hello. before you start reading this, i'd like to explain a few things first. i stopped writing this letter 3 months ago but i decided to finish it before the year ends. why? because it doesn't feel right to leave it unfinished. besides, i did promise someone i'd write this letter. although it's much delayed, i still want to keep that promise and also because i have a few things to say for myself. so i'd like to dedicate this letter to her, whether she chooses to read it or not. oh and by the way, i have 2 weeks to finish writing this letter. yep, no pressure at all :')) fair warning, this letter is going to be ridiculously long. so buckle up, it's gonna be a long~~ S ride🎢🎢🎢🎢🎢🎢🎢
(writer's note: the first part, Dec. 2020 was written 3 months ago.)
Dec. 2020 is hope for the strong or the weak?
When the news broke on that fateful day, i really didn't know how to react. I felt so numb that i couldn't even cry...i was slowly falling apart on the inside. I was so scared of losing you. I told myself that i wouldn't shed tears because i needed to be strong for the both of you. Days passed by like a blur...i'd still eat, sleep and laugh like everyone else but i felt so empty. Depression hit me like a wrecking ball. When i missed everyone, i'd gaze at the moon and talked to her. I'd ask her if everything's going to be alright....and if everyone's doing well. One night i almost cried because the moon made me feel so vulnerable. I could try my hardest to appear strong but the truth is, my feelings are so fragile. Just like a crab. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside. I think my shell cracked a bit...the pain was unbearable but life goes on. The separation lasted for roughly a month but it felt like a century. I became so sentimental with a certain colour. Everytime i saw mint, i'd always think of you. Everywhere i went, i kept seeing it. I'm not kidding...all of a sudden mint was trending EVERYWHERE! It was unbelievable to be honest...it felt like a sick joke. I even bought this because i got so attached to mint.
i think grey/mint would be better
kinda like this? me likey. this mint is softer too. (and yes, i'm team Nike✔)
All because i missed you so much...so much that it hurts like hell. Once, i was in the fitting room when i heard this song. I've loved this song for a long time....so when i heard it at that time, i was overwhelmed with emotions. I...cried a little as it reminded me of you. I didn't understand why your absence affected me so much back then...but i started to realize how much you meant to me. I simply can't imagine life without you. Even if we were occasionally at odds with each other, nothing would stop me from loving you. When i thought it wouldn't get much worse, 2021 happened. Nothing will ever be the same again...
i thought last year was rough...2021 really said, "HAHA GET REKT MATE💀!!"
(writer's note: rekt is a slang that means wrecked or utterly destroyed. usually used by gamers.)
Jan. 2021 the dark night of the soul.
it was the beginning of the year but so many things happened. so many awful things...it was a really stressful and difficult time for me. to give you an idea what it was like, i wrote this on february.
that's only the tip of the iceberg. if i would describe how i felt at that time, it was as if something inside me flipped. i became someone else. my heart grew cold and numb...i was slowly turning to a heartless monster. it's like i became Mr. Hyde. don't believe me? you can ask my older sister. i made her cry because i said really mean things to her face. the scariest part was that i didn't even feel bad...instead, i felt empowered. she also indirectly referred to me as "worse than the devil himself". my reaction? i just chuckled and moved on. true story...but it was a necessary evil. i had to unleash the beast within me so i could survive those difficult times. yes, it sounds dramatic but it's the easiest way to describe it. i just think of it as my defense mechanism. once, i thought of writing a letter to Shawn so that i could hit her where it hurts the most. i was tempted to be honest but i couldn't do it because that's not the real me. that was the monster residing inside me. i know the real me would never hurt anyone on purpose or try to get revenge. but i couldn't keep living like that...it was very exhausting, emotionally and mentally. i hated it so much. it felt really thrilling and empowering in the beginning but then it felt so unnatural and ruthless. i wanted to be myself again, a crybaby who's too emotional for this world. i reverted back to the old me after my oldest sister made me cry like a baby :') i said goodbye to the monster. i hope i won't be seeing it again...but the worst is yet to come.
(writer's note: Mr. Hyde is a reference to Robert Louis Stevenson's novella, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.)
May & June 2021 my..spiritual/kundalini awakening?
about 9 months ago, i decided to stay at my aunt's house for a while. i wanted to get away from everyone and all the drama...it was too much for me. i couldn't stand my older sister, who also happened to be my roommate. yes, the same sister that i mentioned before. we had a nasty argument last year and our relationship has been on edge since then. can't say we got along well at all...but i just couldn't tolerate her behavior anymore. i needed to take a break from her and de-stress so badly. the first few months were quite relaxing and mostly stress-free, apart from babysitting the kittens. then came 23rd may...my life changed completely overnight.
this sounds dramatic but it really felt like i had a near-death experience that night. honestly, i've never been that sick before...it was terrifying. i didn't want to close my eyes and drift to sleep because i was so scared i wasn't gonna wake up. i think i stayed up until 7 a.m? since that day my health has been declining. about 2 months later, i figured out what made me violently ill that fateful night...it was the take-out food that my brother bought for dinner. (pictures taken from g👀gle)
⛔banned for life⛔
looks really tasty, right?
that's cuz it is...especially the sauces
no more manhattan for me😢
never..again...😔
i like to suffer like this..🥲
after the doctor ran some tests, i was diagnosed with bacterial infection. it's probably half true..i'm not 100% sure but i highly suspect it might've been MSG poisoning too. that's because some of the symptoms of bacterial infection overlapped with MSG poisoning. whatever that was inside the food triggered a severe reaction and sucked the life outta me💀 it's weird because i've eaten here before...but that was a long time ago. as i mentioned before, i tried eating again a month later. HUGE MISTAKE!!! i ate just a tiny bit and got really sick for a few days🤬 sigh...never again. it's not like i'm allergic to MSG. i just don't tolerate it well, i think? my body's sensitive to stuff like this, that's all. sigh, i'm getting old..it took quite a while for to me to recover but i never did fully regained my strength. i just don't feel the same anymore. little did i know, i was going through a life-changing transformation...a spiritual awakening. consequently, i experienced this thing called kundalini awakening as well.
thing is, i'm not sure how to explain it. since they're both internal processes...meaning it can't be seen by others. although it's true that seeing is believing, but if you haven't experienced it then you wouldn't believe in it. it's definitely not for the faint-hearted, especially when it comes to kundalini awakening. however, it's not like i had a choice. once it starts, there's no going back. somehow, i believe that my spiritual awakening began much earlier than i realized. perhaps...a few years back? but it hit me really hard this year. SO HARD that i can't look at this world the same way anymore. i thought i had it all figured out...but i was so wrong. needless to say, i spent a considerable amount of time reflecting upon myself in solitude. i gained a lot of valuable insight into the human nature and the meaning of life. i understood how important it is to not be ruled by ego, as too much of it equals destruction. i learned that to navigate the sea of life, i must depend on my mind, heart and gut feeling. i realized that we are already suffering enough now so i don't want to add oil to the fire. honestly, i'll never understand blind hatred...it feels like this world is full of people who are fueled by hatred instead of love. it's easier to hate than love, i suppose. no, i'm not talking by experience but through observation. my apologies, i got a little sidetracked...but you get what i'm trying to say, right? i might be able to explain it better verbally due to its complexity. anyhow, that's my take on enlightenment, albeit a simplified one.
lastly, i'll explain a bit on kundalini awakening. it all started about 6 months ago, in june. unlike spiritual awakening, it's more towards physical sensations. honestly, it was terrifying at first. i thought i was losing my mind...the things i felt made zero sense to my human mind. it was absolutely surreal.
in sanskrit language, kundalini means coiled snake. the flowers represent the 7 chakras (sanskrit for wheel) in the human body.
some of the symptoms:
warmth in chest (mild/intense)
pain in chest (mild/intense)
feeling like there's 2 hearts beating simultaneously (seriously)
heart palpitations
heavy pressure in chest
electricity in body
feeling like my body's buzzing/vibrating
muscle spasms
feelings of intense pleasure
increased 𝓵𝓲𝓫𝓲𝓭𝓞
increase/decrease in appetite
sleep problems
headaches/migraines
there's more but this is what i can recall for now. if you're curious and want to learn more, you can read this. if you want to understand more about chakras, read this. the symptoms related to the heart is due to my heart chakra activation. i learned that it's not something that happens spontaneously. it was triggered by someone...i'll let you guess who that person was. i'm still experiencing some of these symptoms but it's not so crazy now. i don't have difficulty sleeping and i can take short naps, at least. i don't think i'll ever get used to this...so please, don't mess with it. i'm telling you, kundalini awakening is truly one of the biggest M̷̡͖̝̻͇̦̥̥̥͒̆͆̿͐͗̏͠Ȉ̸͉͓̭̯̔͠Ǹ̶̙̘̅̄̎́̀̕Ḑ̷̭̟̦̺̦̎̈͜F̶̢̤̭̗̠̻̪̪̀̏̃̌̐̊͝͠*̶̳͈͈̅̉̐*̴̡̛̗͍͔͔̩̻̠̙̏̇̋̆̆̄͋Ķ̶̹̘̝͕̰̟͑̉͘!̴̤͊̐̉͠ ever.
p.s my older sister and i are good now. she started talking to me again 3 months ago. we haven't fought ever since :))
heart2heart talk.
if you've made it this far, here's a cookie for your trouble. if you skipped through the walls of texts to get here...still, thanks for the effort. you're probably wondering when this will end, right? well, this is the last stop. the heart of this letter. i wanted to write this more than a year ago and i finally did it. my initial thoughts about the content of this letter were a lot different back then. it was more darker and serious...whereas this is more about being honest and forthcoming. i also wrote this letter with the intention of owning up to my past mistakes...sorry seems to be the hardest word. i decided that i don't want to end this year with unresolved matters...i want to bring closure the proper way this time. not just for her, but for me as well.
to Shawn,
hey. i just wanna say i'm sorry.....for everything. sorry for deleting those letters that i wrote for you. i thought it would make me feel better but it didn't. sorry for giving you the silent treatment afterwards. i understand if you won't forgive me but please know that i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for my manipulative ways. it's not fair for me to get mad at you when i'm no better...but i'm not that kind of person anymore. i've learned my lesson the hard way. sorry i couldn't give you the attention and love that you crave for. it's not that i don't want to, i'm just not capable of doing it. i don't have the capacity to love someone (or myself) in a healthy and balanced way. i'm not even sure if this is real love...or is it fake love?
it's a sad thing but i seem to have a critical blind spot when it comes to love. sorry for getting your hopes up with my sweet nothings. let's be real, someone as broken as me shouldn't be dreaming of being with someone else.
how broken am i? you don't wanna know, trust me.
deep down, i want you so bad it hurts but i know i shouldn't because of the reasons stated above. i'm sorry for breaking my promise over and over again. i'm not gonna make lame excuses because i've disappointed you enough with my empty words. sorry that i get jealous and possessive. honestly, it's pathetic...i rarely get jealous so i don't know how to deal with this emotion. i need to get a grip, seriously. am i being too real? sorry, i can't help myself. i'm too honest for my own good...but i'm even more brutally honest with myself.
still, i think it's better this way. i'd rather leave no room for doubts so you don't have to keep wondering about my feelings for you. i've learned that if you really love someone, you need to let them go. i'm still learning the lesson of letting go...it's not easy but i'll get there someday. for the time being, i'm still stuck with you. will it be forever? i sure hope not. but everything happens for a reason, right? i still have a lot to learn from this connection and so do you. whether you choose to be receptive or not is up to you...i'm not gonna tell you what to do.
lastly, i wanna make this clear...i don't wanna chase you anymore. i'm done. i'm not gonna pursue you or anyone romantically for now. i'll be content with just loving you from afar, like a not-so-secret admirer. so whenever i reach out to you, don't take it the wrong way. it's just my way of letting you know that i'm here and still care about you. once in a blue moon, i get the urge to check on you...then i go back into my shell. if you're seeing someone, good for you. frankly, i don't wanna know what goes on with your love life but i hope you're being honest with yourself...you get me? if not, then nevermind. i don't know what the future holds but i want us to be on good terms with each other, if possible. before this year ends..let's not hold grudges, okay? let's not keep hurting like this. if we can't be lovers nor friends, let's just be there for each other. honestly, i don't ask for much...just your understanding. that's all. it would mean the world to me. i think i've said everything that i wanted. until next time, take care my twin flame.
sincerely, Sya
p.s why Shawn? no particular reason. just because. and my first name's longer than that.
bonus?
2016-2019 blast from the past. enjoy♡
(also, i attached the early draft of heart2heart talk if you're interested. )