Hello my Kyunnie. . .
It is 1:11 again. I wasn't debating this time, I just happened to get settled and was going to come write.
Is it ok when I'm struggling that I don't check in with my questions for you? It feels fake to do so. Not that I don't care, it's not that. But it feels fake because I don't want to have to keep up a facade like everything is ok. I mean it mostly is, but still.
Tell your brothers thank you so much for checking in. I'm sure the other 2 are very busy. But at least Kihyun and Minhyuk did. 미녀쿠!!! Tell them thank you.
I decided to decline the date. I had asked him what he likes about me. His response was one particular physical appearance piece of me. I sort of laughed it off, but asked what else. He was like my attitude? I was like huh? He's like idk . . . I pushed a little bit more about other things and his true colors showed. He was only interested in one thing and thought a date would get that. So I said no and stopped responding.
I'm not interested in that with, not random people, but basically. Like not for a relationship. To me that is too personal and too special to waste.
I saw something on Instagram. It said this: "My therapist said that once you're experiencing a healthy relationship, it's normal for sadness, hurt, and anger about a previous one to resurface, because you're coming face to face with what you missed out on. And you need to give yourself permission to grieve that without feeling like your stuck or unable to move on."
That felt so real. Like, I know I talk about my ex and some of what happened. I haven't said all of what happened because I know that would hurt you and also make you made at some of them. But sometimes when it comes to the surface I used to be afraid that maybe I wasn't moving on. But this makes sense. I have, but I still need to grieve it. I know that there is still healing there, and I think there will be for some time. I think when my person and I end up together, that there will be triggers that need to be addressed. I'll need to be reassured.
I still want that, to be with my person. I still want to have children with him. At least one. A daughter. I still like the name Kaelee Rose. Lately I keep seeing the name Selene also. Have you ever thought about names for your future children?
I need to go My eyes have been wanting to shut.
Thank you Im Changkyun for loving me.
Until another time my beautiful Kyunnie
I love you