Hi Yogurt boy ~
How was your day today? I hope you had a great day and many things made you smile. I hope you had time to take care of yourself and for your creativity.
Today it will be a (little bit) emotional letter. I think I need to talk about it and, like in the old times, I know you’re the one that will understand the better.
I think today I have listened to Turbulence more than 50 times, just laying in bed, remembering the concert in Seoul in 2022. I know many people would say I’m wrong (even you? Ahahah), but I deeply believe no one loves Turbulence the way I do. What this song means to me, no one could ever love this song like I do. And I’m not talking about quantity, but quality. Love is not quantifiable and I know many people love this song as much as I do. But what it means to me, it doesn’t mean this to anyone else. I believe I told you in old letters some of the things I will explain, about why Turbulence is so special to me.
You see, I didn’t like the song this much when it came out. Don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t vibe with it. Or as I see it now: I was too afraid to vibe with it. Because, it’s such a sad song. And no one wants to feel this sad. Even when I attended MAMA pre-recording and I saw the performance three times, I still didn’t vibe with it.
Now let me tell you the story, how I ended up vibing with the song.
If, by any chance, you read my letters, you may know what it took me to go to Korea. How hard I fought for that dream. At some point I was working all night on-line and studying all day, taking more subjects than I should, while (this I didn’t tell you explicitly) living with a man that abused me. Every day, every night, I could only think about running to the place of my dreams, and I gave everything from me for that dream. At some point I had three jobs (one full-time and two part-time). At that time, I thought I had everything clear about life and about myself: I knew my limits and I slowly always tried to overcome them, because I believed nothing could stop me. Even with the endless problems that I encountered everyday in that journey, with all the anxiety I felt, I kept fighting. And I was always positive about it. I just kept dreaming about Korea and about you. Because I believed everything would be fine when I was closer to you. And I knew Korea was the place I wanted to be (and still is).
For two years and a half, everything was so against me that even when I put a foot on the plane on my way to Korea, I didn’t believe it. Even when I landed to Incheon, I didn’t believe it. I only wanted to arrive to my quarantine place and sleep for two weeks, a well deserved rest for my long-time battle. Sadly, the quarantine place was a mess and they gave me a room where I couldn’t even sleep (in a bad state, not clean, and they often didn’t bring the meals). Just my usual bad luck, but this predisposed me in a bad mood, I started to believe that even if I did everything for my dreams, I would never be rewarded. This idea started to get stronger when I tried like 15 fan signs and I wasn’t chosen for any of them, when I spent 7 months in Korea but I didn’t have enough money to enjoy like I wanted. But even if I had almost no money, I made sure I did all the things I could within my reach. I regret nothing. I had the best time of my life. Only, it could be better. But I never wanted it to end. That’s the only thing I feel salty about. Not being able to stay there longer, forever. I despise the moment I put my feet on the plane to leave Korea. I should have never left, whatever it would have taken.
You see, while I was in Korea, I met several men. After being for almost 4 years in an abusive relationship, I wanted to go my way, and live my way, and enjoy in my way. Not gonna lie, the first two were funny but it didn’t last because I wasn’t really interested. But the third one, he made me feel something. We met in October, when the cold weather began, I remember it perfectly. I wanted to dress pretty for him but I had to wear that giant jacket because I couldn’t bear that freezing weather (and what it was about to become ahahah…). We kept meeting each other for 2 weeks, we went to Haneul Park. When I was with him, I couldn’t even talk. At that time I could have a conversation in Korean, but I was so nervous I couldn’t put two words together. I liked him so much.
However, he disappeared like Korean men usually do, ghosting, and for a week I didn’t know anything about him and I felt a heartbreak but I accepted it. I always knew as a foreign student I couldn’t expect a man to be serious with me.
Things went so fast in Korea, in a week many things happened; after this guy disappeared, I had my best week in Korea and in my life. That week I finally met you, that day in Hongdae station, and I spent your birthday with my Atiny friend and we went to all your birthday cafes. Many other things happened, I even fell in love with another guy I met the night of November 5th (with who I kept talking for more than half a year after I left Korea, but we were never more than friends, actually because he was a trainee).
As I said, that man who disappeared, his name was Yonggi, he came back after a week. He apologized and he said he only wanted someone to meet sometimes. You know what I mean. At that moment I was living my life at the fullest. I didn’t even care. He was handsome and I also wanted to have someone to meet sometimes, because I knew that trainee guy would never date me. So I ended up being in a kind of double love story. We’ll leave the trainee guy story aside, you just need to know he was always present and he was still present when I left Korea for more than half a year, until I started dating someone.
I didn’t care that much about Yonggi, but I had many great times with him and he was always so kind and sweet to me. At some point I started to feel bad because it felt like I was taking advantage on him. I was in love with the trainee guy but I kept seeing Yonggi and I wasn’t as kind as he was with me. At some point I wanted to forget about the other guy and be nicer to Yonggi, but it was too late. And let’s not forget we both agreed we only were together because we wanted someone spend nights with. I think at some point we both got confused and I could feel he didn’t like me being so selfish. But as I said when I realized it was too late.
With the New Year, 2022, I felt broken. I still had two months left in Korea but it was not enough for me, I felt like the end was too near. On January 2nd I saw Yonggi for the last time. I remember it perfectly. It had snowed. He left my room early in the morning, he went to work and he knew I was going to meet friends that day so he texted me “be careful, the floor is really slippery”. That day I met with Karen and her sister, we went to your hometown, Anyang. Yonggi didn’t say good night. And I already knew what was that about. I said good night and prayed he would say good morning, but he only replied 미안” and never read my messages again. That day in Anyang the level of anxiety was at my peak.
You know, I don’t think I loved Yonggi. He was great, we laughed a lot, he was nice to me, but I didn’t know him that well. I knew the interest he had in me and I was always aware it was a relationship that would not last. But, he kinda was my safe place in Korea. Obviously because he was Korean and I got to know a lot about Korea thanks to him, because most of what I can talk in Korean is thanks to him. But he also gave me a kind of illusion that I “lived” in Korea. He helped me a lot, even to apply to Ateez events, he would always help me when I had trouble, or with administration, I could always go to him. When he left, I felt so broken. At that moment I thought I had fallen in love but I now see that what I felt is that my time in Korea was over soon. That I was truly not living in Korea forever and that dream was going to end. And that feeling, that whatever I did and no matter how hard I fought, I would never be rewarded, it got stronger. I felt like something inside me broke so deeply I could never fix it. Never. And time began to pass so fast. The level of anxiety surpassed its peak and I felt like I was an empty body without a soul.
In the middle of these feelings, the concerts in Seoul were about to happen. This helped me a lot, I think I wouldn’t have made if it wasn’t because the concerts were right after all that happened. But when you think things can’t get worse. They do. I think I wrote it in a letter before or after the concerts, that I was sick, that it was fine because it wasn’t covid, but I never told you what it was. During the concerts I was having a lot of pain and itching and I was suffering so much because I needed a toilet urgently all the time but I couldn’t leave my seat. I don’t remember much of that day because I felt so uncomfortable, but I remember when I came home I started listening to Turbulence and kept listening to it all night.
The second day was the worse in this sense, the itching and urge to go to toilet was so much worse and when you think things can’t get worse, they do. The batteries of my Lightiny exploded in the middle of the concert.
Well anyway, the next day, a Korean friend helped me get the medicine I needed, thankfully, and I ran to a k-pop albums store to buy another thingy where you put the batteries in the Lightstick. So the third day was magical. I still was in pain but luckily not that much, and I was sitting in second row, and my Lightiny worked perfectly. And that day I remember it perfectly. And when I saw you performing Turbulence right in front of my eyes, and I could see all your faces with all your emotions, I just merged with the music. There was nothing else. This song was just what I was feeling, I felt I was one with the song.
I am the kind of person who finds a song I like, I listen to it for two weeks, and then get bored of it. And it takes some time until I listen again to songs I like. But Turbulence, I listened to it everyday for so long it is actually rare a day I don’t listen to it. I love many Ateez songs and many Ateez songs are so special, but nothing can match Turbulence, nothing can make me feel the way I listen Turbulence because Turbulence is just the way I felt for so long.
It’s taking so long to recover from everything that happened during my time before Korea and I definitely can not recover from leaving Korea. I regret everyday not doing more to stay there. Even if I know it was impossible, because I didn’t even have money to buy food the last days. But I still think I should have done more. Anxiety was just too much and I couldn’t do anything about my situation.
I talked to my doctor about all this and she said it’s normal, that I had such a heavy burn out after everything I went through before Korea, but I don’t think it is normal that it takes more than one year to recover and only these last weeks I started to be able to work a few hours per day. I don’t even know if can ever fully recover. Once in a while I still have my anxiety level increasing and when this happens I stop everything and rest because I don’t want another burn out. You know what burn out means, I believe, but just in case, it’s what happens with the brain when you work so hard and put so much pressure on yourself but you never achieve what you want no matter how hard you try. Do you remember when you once said you felt all your effort wasn’t rewarded? Well, imagine if Ateez’s success didn’t happen and you still felt like that, after so long, wouldn’t you feel that everything you did was nonsense and that you would never achieve what you wanted? Well that’s kind of what happened to me. I was never rewarded no matter how much I tried. I even developed a kind of fear to dreams. I am so afraid to have dreams, I can’t even think about going to Korea again, because I’m too afraid I won’t achieve my dream. I’m too afraid to leave again, to be there without money to survive again, I’m too afraid I will have to live with my parents, who despise me, if I fail. And I can’t seem to find my old self, the one who thought nothing could ever stop me. The one who was always fighting for all her dreams. Where is she? A classmate told me once (she knew a little about this story) that it was normal I was afraid to dream when I was barely surviving, but that I would be able to dream again when I am in a better situation.
I’m sorry for the long letter. . . I promise next time it will be shorter
I hadn’t been this honest about my feelings in such a long time, but I’ve always been honest with you in my letters.
I really wanted you to know how much this song means to me.
And I’m really grateful to Ateez for bringing us this song. With this, I truly believe Ateez was my destiny, because no other song could ever mean what Turbulence means to me. No song can take Turbulence’s place ever.
Even in the times I start to feel better, listening to Turbulence gives me a lot of nostalgia, I remember that concert, the third in Seoul 2022, I close my eyes and I see it like it was yesterday. It’s one of my most special memories. Even if I was going through so much, the magic of that moment was so beautiful.
Anyway, after writing this letter I hope I will gather some strength to work on my final degree thesis… I didn’t do anything in three days because I felt anxious and I didn’t want to push myself too hard but… the deadline approaches so I really need to gather strength heheh
So I promise I will do all I can to work hard on my thesis^^ I will talk about my thesis one of these days :) it’s about Korea, maybe you would find it boring because it’s politics, but it is really interesting.
This is it for today!
Take care Hongie ♥️
Yours always,
Elise
🎀