ALVY
Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd
you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,
did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve
total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...
ANNIE
It was just great!
ALVY
(Thumbing through the book)
Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a
wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the
guy who took you to the rock concert,
we'll call him and he can come over and
kill the spider. You know, it's a-
He tosses the book down on the cabinet.
ANNIE
I called you; you wanna help me ... or
not? H'h? Here.
She hands him a magazine.
ALVY
(Looking down at the magazine)
What is this? What are you, since
when do you read the "National Review"?
What are you turning in to?
ANNIE
(Turning to a nearby chair for
some gum in her pocketbook)
Well, I like to try to get all points
of view.
ALVY
It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get
William F. Buckley to kill the spider?
ANNIE
(Spinning around to face him)
Alvy, you're a little hostile, you
know that? Not only that, you look
thin and tired.
She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.
ALVY
Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock
in the morning. You, uh, you got me
outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't
get a taxi cab. You said it was an
emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up
the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you
going with a right-wing rock-and roll
star? Is that possible?
ANNIE
(Sitting down on a chair arm
and looking up at Alvy)
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
ALVY
Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean?
I-I came over TV --_
ANNIE
(Touching his chest with her hand)
I got the good chocolate, Alvy.
ALVY
Yeah, where is the spider?
ANNIE
It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.
ALVY
Is he in the bathroom?
ANNIE
(Rising from chair)
Hey, don't squish it, and after it's
dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?
And flush it a couple o' times.
ALVY
(Moving down the hallway to
the bathroom)
Darling, darling, I've been killing
spiders since I was thirty, okay?
ANNIE
(Upset, hands on her neck)
Oh. What?
ALVY
(Coming back into the living room)
Very big spider.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.
There's two of 'em.
Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.
ANNIE
Two?
ALVY
(Opening a closet door)
Yep. I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a
broom or something with a-
ANNIE
Oh, I-I left it at your house.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-snow shovel or anything or something.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
I think I left it there, I'm sorry.
Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.
ALVY
(Holding the racquet)
Okay, let me have this.
ANNIE
Well, what are you doing ... what are
you doing with-
ALVY
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.
He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.
ANNIE
Well, okay. Oooh.
Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled
magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up
a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.
ALVY
Hey, what is this? You got black soap?
ANNIE
(Off screen)
It's for my complexion.
ALVY
Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?
Geez.
(Alvy turns and starts swapping
the racquet over the shelf, knocking
down articles and breaking glass)
Don't worry!
(He continues to swat the racquet
all over the bathroom. He finally
moves out of the room, hands close
to his body. He walks into the
other room, where Annie is sitting
in a corner of her bed leaning against
the wall)
I did it! I killed them both. What-what's
the matter? Whatta you-
(Annie is sobbing, her band over
her face)
-whatta you sad about? You- What'd you
want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate
'em?
ANNIE
(Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm)
Oh, don't go, okay? Please.
ALVY
(Sitting down next to her)
Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-whatta
-what's the matter? Whatta you expecting
-termites? What's the matter?
ANNIE
(Sobbing)
Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.
She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder
and leans back against the wall.
ALVY
Oh, Jesus, really?
ANNIE
(Leaning on his shoulder)
Oh, yeah. Oh.
(They kiss)
Oh! Alvy?
ALVY
What?
He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.
ANNIE
Was there somebody in your room when
I called you?
ALVY
W-w-whatta you mean?
ANNIE
I mean was there another- I thought I
heard a voice.
ALVY
Oh, I had the radio on.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
I'm sorry. I had the television set
... I had the television-
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.
CUT TO:
INT. ALVY'S BED
Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down
at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.
ANNIE
Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't
wanna be apart.
ALVY
Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too
mature for something like that.
ANNIE
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
ALVY
It's all right for me, it's been terrific,
you know? Better than either one of my
marriages. See, 'cause. . . 'cause there's
just something different about you. I
don't know what it is, but it's great.
ANNIE
(Snickering)
You know I think that if you let me, maybe
I could help you have more fun, you know?
I mean, I know it's hard and ... Yeah.
ALVY
I don't know.
ANNIE
Alvy, what about ... what if we go away
this weekend, and we could-
ALVY
Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't
we get Rob, and the three of us'll
drive into Brooklyn, you know, and
we show you the old neighborhood.
ANNIE
Okay, okay. Okay.
ALVY
That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.
EXT. HIGHWAY
Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy in the back seat
leaning forward so that his head is between them. They're driving down the
highway.
ANNIE
-me, my God, it's a great day!
ALVY
(Interrupting)
Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the --
ROB
(Overlapping)
Yeah, watch the road!
ALVY
You'll total the whole car.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Hey, you know, I never even visited
Brooklyn before.
ROB
I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.
ALVY
Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.
ROB
We can show her the schoolyard.
ALVY
Right. I was a great athlete. Tell
her, Max, I was the best, I was all
schoolyard.
ROB
Yes, I remember.
(Annie laughs)
He was all schoolyard. They threw him
a football once, he tried to dribble it.
ALVY
Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.
Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the screen. The area's
deserted. Sea gulls are heard.
ALVY
Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's
-that's my old house. That's where I
used to live.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Holy cow!
ROB
You're lucky, Max-where I used to live
is now a pornographic equipment store.
Annie laughs.
ALVY
I have some very good memories there.
ROB
What kind of good memories, Max?
Your mother and father fighting all
the time.
ALVY
Yeah, and always over the most
ridiculous things.
FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE.
Alvy's father sits in his chair. His mother is polishing a door while Alvy
lies on the floor playing. Annie, adult Alvy and Rob quietly walk into the
scene to watch.
ALVY'S FATHER
You fired the cleaning woman?
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was stealing.
ALVY'S FATHER
But she's colored.
ALVY'S MOTHER
SO?
ALVY'S FATHER
So the colored have enough trouble.
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was going through my pocketbook!
ALVY'S FATHER
They're persecuted enough!
ALVY'S MOTHER
Who's persecuting? She stole!
Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat. He sits back down and starts
polishing it.
ALVY'S FATHER
All right-so we can afford it.
ALVY'S MOTHER
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
ALVY'S FATHER
She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
She has no money! She's got a right
to steal from us! After all, who is
she gonna steal from if not us?
ADULT ALVY
(Yelling into the scene)
You're both crazy!
ROB
They can't hear you, Max.
ALVY'S MOTHER
Leo ... I married a fool!
ROB
(Pointing)
Hey, Max! Who's that?
As the three friends watch Alvy's old living room, the scene has suddenly
shifted. A huge crowd stands around the room, laughing, eating, chatting and
vibrating with the turns of the roller-coaster ride.
ALVY
It-it-it's the welcome-home party
in nineteen forty-five, for my cousin
Herbie.
ADULT ALVY
(Pointing)
Look, look, there's-there's that one
over there, that's Joey Nichols, he
was my-
(Young Alvy stands next to Joey
Nichols, who's sitting in one of
the easy chairs. They smile at
each other; people and noise all
around)
-father's friend. He was always bothering
me when I was a kid.
JOEY
Joey Nichols.
(Laughing)
See. Nichols. See, Nichols!
(Joey shows young Alvy his cuff
links and a tie pin, which are
made from nickels, as Alvy stands
with hands on hips, unconcerned.
Joey then slaps his band to his
forehead and puts a nickel on
his forehead)
Yuh see, nickels! You can always
remember my name, just think of Joey
Five Cents.
(Laughing)
That's me. Joey Five Cents!
Joey grabs Alvy's cheeks and pinches them.
YOUNG ALVY
(Turning away)
What an asshole!
A group of women stands near a buffet table eating and listening to Alvy
mother and her sister, Tessie, and a young girl, as the three friends watch.
ALVY'S MOTHER
I was always the sister with good common
sense. But Tessie was always the one
with personality. When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.
She touches Tessie's shoulder. Tessie starts to laugh.
ADULT ALVY
(Pointing, to Rob)
Do you believe that, Max? Tessie
Moskowitz had the personality. She's
the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
ALVY'S MOTHER
(To the young girl)
She was once a great beauty.
Tessie nods her head "yes."
ROB
Tessie, they say you were the sister
with personality.
TESSIE
(Addressing the young girl)
I was a great beauty.
ROB
Uh, how did this personality come about?
TESSIE
(Grabbing the young girl's cheek)
I was very charming.
ROB
There were many men interested in you?
TESSIE
(To the young girl)
Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
Tessie gyrates back and forth imitating a dancer while Annie and the adult
Alvy lean on each other laughing.
ROB
(Laughing)
That's pretty hard to believe.
EXT. STREET.
Alvy and Annie walk contentedly down a street; Alvy's arm is draped around
Annie. People walk by them on the street as they move toward their apartment
building.
ANNIE
Well, I had a really good day, you know
that? It was just a real fine way to
spend my birthday.
ALVY
Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not till
tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell yuh.
ANNIE
Yeah, but it's real close.
ALVY
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, darn it.
INT. APARTMENT
Annie and Alvy sit on the sofa. Annie's unwrapping a gift while Alvy watches.
ANNIE
(Making sounds)
This is-
(Making sounds)
Huh?
She pulls out flimsy black lingerie from the box.
ALVY
Happy birthday.
ANNIE
What is this? Is this a...Present?
(Laughing)
Are you kidding?
ALVY
Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?
ANNIE
Uh, yeah, uh ... t-t-this is more like
a present for you, yeah, but it's-
ALVY
Try it ... it'll add years to our
sex life.
ANNIE
(Looking up at Alvy and laughing)
Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it.
Alvy leans over and hands her another box as she puts down the lingerie.
ALVY
Here's a real present.
ANNIE
(Opening the gift)
What... huh?
ALVY
Check it out.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
(continuing)
Let me see. Okay, let's... oooh, God!
(She takes out a watch from the box)
Oh, you knew I wanted this ...
(Laughing)
God, it's terrific, God!
ALVY
(Making sounds)
Yeah, I know. Just-just put on the
watch, and-and ... that thing, and
we'll just ...
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh! My God!
(Making sounds)
Alvy kisses Annie.
INT. NIGHT CLUB.
Annie, spotlighted onstage, stands in front of the microphone, smiling. She
looks downward and sings "Seems Like Old Times. " The audience applauds
loudly as the music fades out.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Thank you.
Alvy sits at the bar, clapping and staring at Annie as she walks over to him
and sits down. The low murmur of the night club is surrounding them.
ALVY
(Reacting)
You were-you were sensational. I mean,
I-you know, I-I told yuh that if yuh stuck
to it, you would be great, and-and, you
know, I-I-you-you were sensational.
ANNIE
(Looking at Alvy, smiling)
Yeah, well, we have the, I mean, they were
just a terrific audience, I mean, you know,
it makes it really easy for me, because I
can be ... huh?
Tony, a famous record personality, pushes through the crowd, moving toward
Alvy and Annie. An entourage follows him as he makes his way to their table.
TONY
Excuse me.
He shakes hands with Annie, smiling.
ANNIE
Oh.
TONY
Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.
ANNIE
Well, hi!
TONY
Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say
that we really enjoyed your sets.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, yeah, really, oh!
TONY
I though it was ... very musical, and I
liked it a lot.
ANNIE
Oh, neat ... oh, that's very nice,
gosh, thanks a lot.
TONY
Are you ... are you recording? Or do-
Are you with any label now?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
No, no, no, not at all.
TONY
Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about
that sometime, if you get a chance.
Seated Alvy looks the other way, reacting.
ANNIE
Oh. What about?
TONY
... of possibly working together.
ANNIE
(Looking for the first time at Alvy)
Well, hey, that's, that's nice. Uh.
Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer.
Do you know Alvy? Uh ... and ... uh ...
Tony Lacey.
TONY
No, I don't-I don't know, but I-I know
your work. I'm a big fan of yours.
Tony reaches over and shakes hands with Alvy. The nightclub crowd surrounds
them all with their low chatter and cigarette smoke.
ALVY
Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.
TONY
(Turning to introduce his entourage)
This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh ... Bob and
Petronia.
ANNIE
Hi.
ENTOURAGE
Hi.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Hi, hi, Bob ...
TONY
Uh ... w-we're going back to the Pierre.
We're staying at the Pierre ... and we're
gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a
drink there, and ... if you'd like to come,
uh, we'd love to have you.
ANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
And we could just sit and talk ... nothing.
Uh, not a big deal, it's just relax, just
be very mellow.
Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.
ALVY
(Fingers to his mouth, reacting)
Remember, we had that thing.
ANNIE
What thing?
ALVY
(Staring at Annie and clearing
his throat)
Don't you remember we-we-we discussed
that thing that we were-
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Thing?
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-yes, we had, uh ...
ANNIE
(Looking at Alvy, reacting)
Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing ...
(Laughing)
... yeah ... yeah.
Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with his hands.
TONY
Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient, eh,
we can't do it now ... that's fine,
too. W-w-w-we'll do it another time.
ANNIE
Hey-
TONY
Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll get
together and ... and we'll meet there.
He shakes hands with Annie.
ANNIE
(Reacting)
Oh.
TONY
It was a wonderful set.
ANNIE
Oh, gosh.
TONY
(Smiling)
I really enjoyed it.
(Looking at Alvy)
Nice to have metcha. Good night.
ENTOURAGE
Bye-bye.
ANNIE
Nice to see you ... bye. Yeah. Bye.
She turns and looks at Alvy.
ALVY
(Reacting)
What's ... you ... well, what's the
matter, You w-wanna go to that party?
ANNIE
(Looking down at her hands,
then up at Alvy)
I don't know, I thought it might be kind
of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be
nice to meet some new people.
ALVY
(Sighing)
I'm just not ... you know, I don't think
I could take a mellow eve- 'cause I-I
don't respond well to mellow, you know
what I mean, I-I have a tendency to ...
if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then
rot. You know, and it's-it's not good
for my ...
(Making sounds)
ANNIE
All right, all right, you don't wanna go
to the party, so uh, whatta you wanna do?
INT. MOVIE THEATER.
The screen is projecting the beginning of "The Sorrow and the Pity": a street
filled with fleeing cars, belongings tied on top and piled in the back seats.
Subtitles pop on:
"The Jewish warmongers and
Parisian plutocrats tried
to flee with their gold and jewels"
as a narrator explains in German.
CUT TO.
Split screen: Annie and her psychiatrist on the left; Alvy and his on the
right. Annie, talking, sits in a white molded chair, as does her doctor.
The office is very modern: stark, white and chrome. Alvy, talking to his
psychiatrist, lies on a deep leather sofa, the doctor seated away from him.
This office looks more like a well-worn den: bookcases overflowing, dark wood.
The dialogue is separated in each screen, though no one talks simultaneously.
ANNIE
(To her doctor)
That day in Brooklyn was the last day
I remember really having a great time.
ALVY
(To his doctor)
Well, we never have any laughs anymore,
is the problem.
ANNIE
Well, I've been moody and dissatisfied.
ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST
How often do you sleep together?
ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST
Do you have sex often?
ALVY
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
ANNIE
Constantly! I'd say three times a week.
Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have
sex.
ALVY
She would not sleep with me the other
night, you know, it's-
ANNIE
And ... I don't know ... I mean, six months
ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it,
just to please him.
ALVY
I mean ... I tried everything, you know,
I-I-I put on soft music and my-my red light
bulb, and ...
ANNIE
But the thing is-I mean, since our
discussions here, I feel I have a right
to my own feelings. I think you woulda
been happy because ... uh, uh, I really
asserted myself.
ALVY
The incredible thing about it is, I'm
paying for her analysis and she's making
progress and I'm getting screwed.
ANNIE
I don't know, though, I feel so guilty
because Alvy is paying for it, so, you
know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go
to bed with him. But if I do go to bed
with him, it's like I'm going against my
own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win.
ALVY
(Simultaneously, with Annie)
You know ... it's getting expensive
...my analyst ... for her analyst. She-
she's making progress and I'm not making
any progress. Her progress is defeating
my progress.
ANNIE
(Simultaneously, with Alvy)
Sometimes I think-sometimes I think I
should just live with a woman.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
Alvy and Annie sit close together on the sofa in some friends' apartment.
Their friends, another couple, stand behind the sofa in the background.
Excited, they talk almost all at once.
WOMAN FRIEND
Wow, I don't believe it ... you mean to
tell me you guys have never snorted coke?
ANNIE
Well, I always wanted to try, you know,
but, uh, Alvy, uh ... he's very down on it.
ALVY
Hey, don't put it on me. You kn- Wh-what
is it, I don't wanna put a wad of white
powder in my nose 'cause the-the nasal
membranes ...
They all start talking at once.
ANNIE
You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
ALVY
(Counting on his fingers)
How can you say that? I mean,
(Making sounds)
who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that
girl from your acting class should sleep
together in a threesome.
ANNIE
(Reacting)
That's sick!
ALVY
Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new.
You know, you didn't say it couldn't be
sick.
Annie laughs, chatters.
WOMAN FRIEND
Just come on, Alvy.
(All four are now sitting on the
sofa. The male friend starts to
prepare lines of cocaine; Alvy
and Annie look at each other,
reacting)
Do your body a favor. Try it, come on.
ALVY
Oh, yeah?
ANNIE
Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.
ALVY
(Moving forward on the couch)
Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause
the Incas did it, you know, and-and
they-they-they were a million laughs.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Alvy, come on, for your own experience.
I mean, you wanna write, why not?
MALE FRIEND
It's great stuff, Alvy. Friend of mine
just brought it in from California.
ANNIE
Oh, do you know something-I didn't tell
yuh, we're going to California next week.
GIRL
Oh, really?
ANNIE
Yeah ...
ALVY
... I'm thrilled. As you know, uh ...
uh, on my agent's advice I sold out,
and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
ANNIE
(Interrupting)
No, no, no that's not it at all. Alvy's
giving an award on television. Gee, he
talks like he's violating a moral issue
sitting here.
GIRL
You're kidding?
ALVY
It's so phony, and we have to leave New
York during Christmas week, which really
kills me.
MAN
(Interrupting)
Alvy, listen, while you're in California,
could you possibly score some coke for me?
Annie laughs.
ALVY
(Over Annie's laughter)
Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll just
put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel that I
have in my boot, you know.
(Alvy picks up the small open
gold case of cocaine base the man
placed on the coffee table and
looks at it, reacting)
H-h-how much is this stuff?
MAN
It's about two thousand dollars an ounce.
ANNIE
God.
ALVY
Really? And what is the kick of it?
Because I never ...
He puts his finger into the drug, smells it and then sneezes. The powder
blows all over the room as the man, woman and Annie react silently.
CUT TO:
CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET-DAY
It's a warm, beautiful day. Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's convertible are
moving past the spacious houses, the palm trees. The sunlight reflects off
the car. Annie, excited, is taking the whole place in. Background voices
sing Christmas carols.
VOICES
(Singing)
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a -Happy New Year.
ROB
(Over the singing)
I've never been so relaxed as I have
been since I moved out here, Max. I
want you to see my house. I live
right next to Hugh Hefner's house, Max.
He lets me use the Jacuzzi. And the
women, Max, they're like the women in
Playboy magazine, only they can move
their arms and legs.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
You know, I can't get over that this is
really Beverly Hills.
VOICES
(Singing)
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Year.
ALVY
Yeah, the architecture is really consistent,
isn't it? French next to-
VOICES
(Singing over the dialogue)
Oh, Christmas ... tree,
Oh, Christmas tree,
How bright and green
Our ...
ALVY
-Spanish, next to Tudor, next to Japanese.
ANNIE
God, it's so clean out here.
ALVY
It's that they don't throw their garbage
away. They make it into television shows.
ROB
Aw, come on, Max, give us a break, will
yuh? It's Christmas.
Annie starts snapping pictures of the view.
ALVY
Can you believe this is Christmas here?
VOICES
(Singing)
Oh Christmas tree,
Oh Christmas tree ...
They pass a large house with spacious lawn. Sitting on the lawn is a Santa
Claus complete with sleigh and reindeer. Voices continue to sing Christmas
carols; Annie continues to take pictures.
ANNIE
You know, it was snowing-it was snowing
and really gray in New York yesterday.
ROB
No kidding?
ALVY
Right-well, Santa Claus will have
sunstroke.
ROB
Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.
ALVY
There's no economic crime, you know,
but there's-there's ritual, religious-
cult murders, you know, there's wheat-
germ killers out here.
ROB
While you're out here, Max, I want you
to see some of my TV show. And we're
invited to a big Christmas party.
They continue driving, now in a less residential area, passing a hot-dog stand.
"Tail-Pup" concession; people mill about eating hot dogs.
VOICES
(Singing, louder now)
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all ... from Satan's power
As we were gone astray.
They pass a theater, the marquee announcing "House of Exorcism Messiah of Evil.
Rated R. Starts at 7:15."
INT. TV CONTROL ROOM.
Several monitors line the wall in front of an elaborate console. Rob and Alvy,
along with Charlie, the technician, stand in the small room watching the
screens showing Rob as a television star on a situation comedy. They chatter,
analyzing the footage, over the sounds of the taped television comedy.
ALVY
(Overlapping the chatter)
Oh.
ROB
Look, now, Charlie, give me a big
laugh here.
ROB ON TV SCREEN
A limousine to the track breakdown?
ROB
(Watching)
A little bigger.
TV monitors go black as the technician turns of the monitors to fix the laugh
track.
ALVY
Do you realize how immoral this all is?
ROB
Max, I've got a hit series.
ALVY
Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake
laughs.
Technicians turn the monitors back on, showing Rob on the screen with another
character, Arnie.
ARNIE
Oh, I'm sorry.
ROB ON TV SCREEN
Arnie.
ARNIE
Yeah.
ROB
(Turning to the technician)
Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.
ALVY
Look, uh ...
Loud laughter from the TV monitors.
ROB
(To Alvy)
We do the show live in front of an
audience.
ALVY
Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause
your jokes aren't funny.
ROB
Yeah, well, that's why this machine
is dynamite.
ROB ON TV SCREEN
You better lie down. You've been in
the sun too long.
ROB
(To the technician)
Yeah ... uh, now give me a like a
medium-size chuckle here ... and
then a big hand.
The sounds of laughter and applause are heard from the TV.
ALVY
(Removing his glasses and
rubbing his face)
Is there booing on there?
The monitors show a woman on the screen.
WOMAN
We were just gonna fix you up with my
cousin Dolores.
ALVY
(Overlapping the TV)
Oh, Max, I don't feel well.
ROB
What's the matter?
ALVY
I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy...
(Coughing)
I feel dizzy, Max.
ROB
Well, sit down.
ALVY
(Sitting down)
Oh, Jesus.
ROB
You all right?
ALVY
I don't know, I mean, I-
ROB
(Crouching before Alvy, looking
at him)
You wanna lie down?
ALVY
No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt
queasy all morning. I just started
getting ...
ROB
How about a ginger ale?
ALVY
Oh, Max ... no, I maybe I better lie
down.
INT. HOTEL ROOM.
Alvy lies in bed, one elbow propped up, a doctor sitting next to him looking
concerned. The doctor bolds out a plate of chicken; Alvy listlessly stares at
it. Annie, in the background, is on the phone.
ANNIE
(Talking into the phone)
Yes.
DOCTOR
(Holding out the food)
Why don't you just try to get a little
of this down? This is just plain chicken.
ALVY
(Taking a piece of chicken and
holding it)
Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this.
I'm nauseous.
(He gasps and makes sounds)
If you could-if you could just give me
something to get me through the next two
hours, you know I-I have to go out to
Burbank ... and give out an award on a
TV show.
ANNIE
(On the phone, overlapping the
doctor and Alvy)
Well ... H-h huh ... Oh, good ... Yes,
I'll tell him.
DOCTOR
Well, there's nothing wrong with you
actually, so far as I can tell. I mean,
you have no fever, no ... no symptoms
of anything serious. You haven't been
eating pork or shellfish.
Annie bangs up and moves over to Alvy.
ANNIE
(Sitting on the edge of the bed)
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor.
Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They
said everything is fine. They found a
replacement, so they're going to tape
without you.
ALVY
(Making sounds)
I'm nauseous.
(He sighs and gasps)
Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the
TV show?
Reacting, Alvy puts up his band in disgust, then starts eating the piece of
chicken he has been holding. The doctor and Annie watch him, reacting.
ANNIE
Yeah. Listen, Doctor, I'm worried.
DOCTOR
Now, Mrs. Singer, I can't find anything --
ALVY
Christ!
ANNIE
Nothing at all?
DOCTOR
No, I think I can get a lab man up here.
ALVY
(Grabbing the rest of the chicken
from the plate)
Oh, jesus. Can I have the salt, please?
ANNIE
What do you mean? Do you think he's-
DOCTOR
(Handing the salt to Alvy)
Yes, excuse me.
(To Annie)
Perhaps it would be even better if we
took him to the hospital for a day or two.
Alvy begins to eat.
ANNIE
Uh-huh ... Oh, hospital?
DOCTOR
Well, otherwise, there's no real way to
tell what's going on.
ALVY
(Making sounds, gasping)
This is not bad, actually.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET RESIDENTIAL AREA - DAY
Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's car pull into a long circular driveway as an
attendant walks over to the car. A sprawling house is seen to the right; a
couple moves toward the front door, and the driveway is crowded with other
parked cars. Loud music is heard.
ALVY
(Getting out of the car)
Hey, don't tell me we're gonna hafta
walk from the car to the house. Geez,
my feet haven't touched pavement since
I reached Los Angeles.
INT. HOUSE
A Hollywood Christmas party is in session, complete with music, milling people,
circulating waiters bolding out trays of drinks. It's all very casual. French
doors run the entire width of one wall; they are opened to the back lawn,
guests move from the room to outside and back in. It is crowded; bits of
conversation and clinking glasses can be heard. Two men, California-tanned,
stand by the French doors talking.
1ST MAN
Well, you take a meeting with him, I'll
take a meeting with you if you'll take
a meeting with Freddy.
2ND MAN
I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy
took a meeting with Charlie. You take
a meeting with him.
1ST MAN
All the good meetings are taken.
CUT TO:
FULL GROUP SHOT
A man stands talking, people in groups behind him. Two born like gadgets are
attached to his shoulders; he's wearing a bizarre space costume.
3RD MAN
Right now it's only a notion, but I
think I can get money to make it into
a concept ... and later turn it into
an idea.
CUT TO:
Alvy and Rob stand near the French doors leading to the back lawn, eating and
drinking and watching the people walking in and out of the house.
ROB
You like this house, Max?
ALVY
M'hm.
ROB
I even brought a road map to get us to
the bathroom.
ALVY
Whee, you shoulda told me it was Tony
Lacey's party.
ROB
What difference does that make?
Alvy looks into the room, where Annie and Tony Lacey are having an animated
conversation.
ALVY
I think he has a little thing for Annie.
ROB
Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max. He
goes with that girl over there.
ALVY
Where?
Rob nods his head toward a tall woman dressed all in white conversing with a
group of people close-by.
ROB
The one with the V.P.L.
ALVY
V.P.L.?
ROB
Visible panty line. Max, she is gorgeous.
ALVY
Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's great
for you because you're -you're used to
twos, aren't you?
ROB
There are no twos, Max.
ALVY
Yeah, you're used to the kind with the-
with the shopping bags walking through
Central Park with the surgical masks
on muttering.
ROB
M'hm.
ALVY
And ... uh-
ROB
(Interrupting)
How do you like this couple, Max?
A couple moves over toward Rob and Alvy. The man's arm is around the woman;
they stand very close. In the background, Annie and Tony are still talking.
ROB
And I think they just came back from
Masters and Johnson.
ALVY
Yeah, intensive care ward.
(Watching the woman in white)
My God-hey, Max, I think she's ... I
think she's giving me the eye.
As Rob and Alvy observe the guests, the woman in white starts walking toward
them.
ROB
If she comes over here, Max, my brain
is going to turn into guacamole.
ALVY
I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Hi.
GIRL IN WHITE
You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't
we meet at EST?
ALVY
(Reacting)
EST? No, no, I was never to est.
GIRL IN WHITE
Then how can you criticize it?
ALVY
Oh.
ROB
Oh, he-he didn't say anything.
ALVY
(Laughing)
No, no, I came out here to get some
shock therapy, but there was an energy
crisis, so I ... He's my-my food taster.
Have you two met?
ROB
(Shaking his head)
Hi. How do you do.
GIRL IN WHITE
Do you taste to see if the food's poisoned?
ALVY
Yeah, he's crazy.
The girl in white laughs.
ALVY
(Looking at Rob and the girl)
Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It must
be in the stars.
ROB
Yeah. Right.
ALVY
Uri Geller must be on the premises
someplace.
ROB
We're gonna operate together.
Rob and the girl walk of together as the camera moves in on Tony and Annie
standing by the buffet table.
TONY
We just need about six weeks, in about
six weeks we could cut a whole album.
ANNIE
I don't know, this is strange to me,
you know.
TONY
just ... that's all you need. You can
come and stay here.
ANNIE
Oh.
TONY
There's a whole wing in this house.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh yeah, stay here? U-huh.
TONY
You can have it to use. Why-why are
you smiling?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I don't know. I don't know.
She picks up an hors doeuvre.
CUT TO:
The two men still talking about meetings surrounded by other groups of people
milling about.
1ST MAN
Not only is he a great agent, but he
really gives good meetings.
2ND MAN
M'mm.
Tony, band in band with the girl in white, is leaving the party room with Alvy
and Annie to show them the rest of the house.
TONY
This is a great house, really. Everything.
Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
You know who the original owners were?
Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond. Then
you know who lived here?
ALVY
Trigger.
Annie and the girl in white laugh.
TONY
Charlie Chaplin.
ALVY
Hey.
TONY
Right before his un-American thing.
They stop in a den-like screening room. A man is slouched back on one of the
comfortable sofas that fill the room. It is much quieter in here; a contrast
to the noise and crowd downstairs.
ALVY
Yeah, this place is great.
ANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're still
New Yorkers.
ALVY
Yeah, I love it there.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah.
TONY
Well, I used to live there. I used to
live there for years. You know, but
it's gotten-it's so dirty now.
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
ANNIE
Boy, this is really a nice screening
room. It's really a nice room.
TONY
Oh, and there's another thing about New
York. See ... you-you wanna see a movie,
you have to stand in a long line.
ANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
It could be freezing, it could be raining.
ANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
And here, you just-
GIRL IN WHITE
We saw "Grand Illusion" here last night.
ALVY AND ANNIE
(In unison)
Oh, yeah?
MAN ON THE SOFA
(Looking over his shoulder at
the group)
That's a great film if you're high.
(The group laughs, looking down
at the man on the sofa. He looks
up at them, smiling, a joint in
his hand, and offers them a cigarette)
Hey, you.
TONY
(Shaking his head no)
Come and see our bedroom. We did a
fantastic lighting job. Okay?
ANNIE
Oh, good. Okay.
ALVY
I'm cool.
Tony and the girl in white leave the room, Annie and Alvy following.
ANNIE
(Taking Alvy's arm)
It's wonderful. I mean, you know they
just watch movies all day.
ALVY
Yeah, and gradually you get old and die.
You know it's important to make a little
effort once in a while.
ANNIE
Don't you think his girl friend's
beautiful?
ALVY
Yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa- A
pat on the androgynous side. But it's...
They pass a man talking on the phone in the hallway.
MAN ON THE PHONE
Yeah, yeah. I forgot my mantra.
As they come down stairs the party is still in big gear. People are looser
now; conversations are more animated, some talk quietly in more intimate
corners, some couples are dancing. Alvy stands alone sipping a drink near the
huge Christmas tree. A tall woman, passing by, shakes his hand, then leaves.
He continues to sip his drink, alone, watching Tony and Annie in the center of
the room dancing.
The screen shows a plane in flight, Los Angeles far below, then:
CUT TO:
AIRPLANE. INT. AIRPLANE
Annie and Alvy sit, the stewardess behind them serving other passengers. Annie
stares out the window bolding a coffee cup; Alvy reads. Both are preoccupied,
thinking their own thoughts.
ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
(To herself)
That was fun. I don't think California
is bad at all. It's a drag coming home.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
(To himself)
Lotta beautiful women. It was fun
to flirt.
ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
(As she sips coffee)
I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy,
but our relationship doesn't seem to
work anymore.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
(An open magazine lies in
his lap)
I'll have the usual trouble with Annie
in bed tonight. Whatta I need this?
ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
If only I had the nerve to break up,
but it would really hurt him.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
If only I didn't feel guilty asking
Annie to move out. It'd probably
wreck her. But I should be honest.
He looks over at Annie.
ANNIE
(Looking back at Alvy)
Alvy, uh, let's face it. You know
something, don't think our relationship
is working.
ALVY
Tsch, I know. A relationship, I think,
is-is like a shark, you know? It has
to constantly move forward or it dies.
(He sighs)
And I think what we got on our hands
(Clearing his throat)
is a dead shark.
INT. ALVY'S LIVING ROOM-DAY
A lighted Christmas tree stands in the middle of boxes, books, and the general
disarray of packing and figuring out what belongs to whom as Alvy helps Annie
move out.
ALVY
(Holding up a book)
Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?
ANNIE
(Walking into the room with an
armload of books)
Well, let's see now ... If it has my
name on it, then I guess it's mine.
ALVY
(Reacting)
Oh, it sure has ... You know, you wrote
your name in all my books, 'cause you
knew this day was gonna come.
ANNIE
(Putting down the books and
flipping back her hair)
Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break up
just as much as I do.
ALVY
(Riffling through the books)
There's no-no question in my mind. I
think we're doing the mature thing,
without any doubt.
ANNIE
(Holding a framed picture and
moving about)
Now, look, all the books on death and
dying are yours and all the poetry books
are mine.
ALVY
(Looking down at a book)
This "Denial of Death". You remember this?
ANNIE
Oh-
ALVY
This is the first book that I got you.
Annie goes over to Alvy. They both look down at the book; the fireplace,
burning nicely, is behind them.
ANNIE
-God.
ALVY
Remember that day?
ANNIE
Right. Geez, I feel like there's a
great weight off my back. M'mmm.
ALVY
Thanks, honey.
ANNIE
(Patting Alvy's shoulder)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you
know, no, no, no, I mean, I think it's
really important for us to explore new
relationships and stuff like that.
She walks away.
ALVY
There's no-there's no question about
that, 'cause we've given this ... uh,
uh, I think a more than fair shot,
you know?
He tosses the book into the carton.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is
keen for me.
ALVY
(Off screen)
Yeah, and I-I tru- you know, I trust
her, because my-my analyst recommended
her.
ANNIE
(Walking in with another
armload of books)
Well, why should I put you through all
my moods and hang-ups anyway?
ALVY
Right. And you-and you know what the
beauty part is?
ANNIE
What?
ALVY
(Holding a small box of buttons)
We can always come back together again.
Because there's no-there's no problem.
'Cause ... Right.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Exactly, but ... exactly. Ooooh!
ALVY
You know, I-I-I don't think many couples
could handle this. You know, they could
just break up and remain friends.
ANNIE
(Taking a button from a box)
Hey, this one's mine, this button.
This one, you rem-
ALVY
(Interrupting)
Yeah.
ANNIE
I guess these are all yours. Impeach, uh,
Eisenhower ... Impeach Nixon ... Impeach
Lyndon Johnson ... Impeach Ronald Reagan.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET-DAY
People milling about on the sidewalk as Alvy walks out of a store and moves
toward the foreground.
ALVY
(Into the camera, to the audience)
I miss Annie. I made a terrible
mistake.
A couple, walking down the street, stops as the man talks to Alvy.
MAN ON THE STREET
She's living in Los Angeles with
Tony Lacey.
ALVY
Oh, yeah? Well, if she is, then the
hell with her! If she likes that
lifestyle, let her live there! He's
a jerk, for one thing.
MAN ON THE STREET
He graduated Harvard.
ALVY
Yeah. He may- Listen, Harvard makes
mistakes too, you know. Kissinger
taught there.
The couple strolls away as an older woman walks up to Alvy while others walk by.
OLD WOMAN
Don't tell me you're jealous?
ALVY
Yeah, jealous. A little bit like Medea.
Lemme, lemme-can I show you something,
lady?
(He takes a small item from his
pocket to show the woman)
What I have here ... I found this in the
apartment. Black soap. She used to wash
her face eight hundred times a day with
black soap. Don't ask me why.
OLD WOMAN
Well, why don't you go out with other
women?
ALVY
Well, I-I tried, but it's, uh, you know,
it's very depressing.
RECENT FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S COUNTRY KITCHEN
Alvy's arms and legs fill the screen as he slowly gets up from the floor
bolding up a live lobster. He puts it on a grill tray.
ALVY
(Pointing to the lobster)
This always happens to me. Quick, g-go
get a broom.
His date, a girl wearing short shorts, leans against the sink and lights a
cigarette. She makes no move to help.
GIRL DATE
(Smoking)
What are you making such a big deal about?
(As she talks, the lobster drops
from the tray to the floor. Alvy
jumps away, then gingerly scrapes
the tray toward the lobster)
They're only lobsters. Look, you're a
grown man, you know how to pick up a
lobster.
ALVY
(Looking up in stooped-over
position)
I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
GIRL DATE
(Still leaning against the sink,
her hand on her hip)
Oh, when'd you quit smoking?
He gets up of the floor with the lobster on the tray.
ALVY
Sixteen years ago.
GIRL DATE
(Puzzled)
Whatta you mean?
ALVY
(Mocking)
Mean?
GIRL DATE
You stopped smoking sixteen years ago,
is that what you said? Oh, I-I don't
understand. Are you joking, or what?
CUT TO:
A solitary Alvy walking along the FDR Drive where he had walked with Annie. -
The New York skyline is still in the background, the sea gulls go by, the fog
horn blows. He walks slowly, moving off screen.
INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Alvy sits on his bed talking on the phone.
ALVY
Listen, honey, Central Park's turning
green ... Yeah, I sa-I saw that lunatic
that we-where we used to see ... with
the, uh, uh, pinwheel hat and, you know,
and the roller skates? . . . Listen,
I-I want you to come back here ... Well,
I-I-then I'm gonna come out there and
getcha.
CUT TO:
An airborne plane.
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT.
People milling about as Alvy, in the outside phone-booth center, talks.
ALVY
Whatta you mean, where am I? Where do-
where do you think I am? I'm-I'm out
... I'm at the Los Angeles Airport.
I flew in ...
(Sniffling)
Tsch, I-well, I flew in to see you ...
(Muttering)
Hey, listen, can we not debate this
on-on the telephone because I'm, you
know, I-I feel that I got a temperature
and I'm-I'm getting my-my chronic Los
Angeles nausea. I-I don't feel so good.
Alvy's conversation is still heard as the screen shows him behind the wheel of
a car on a busy street; he causes a near-accident by jerking the car too slowly
toward an intersection.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
Well, where-wherever you wanna meet, I
don't care. I'll-I'll drive in. I
rented a car I'm driving ... that ...
Whatta you mean? What-why is that such
a miracle? I'm driving myself --
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFƒ - DAY
People sit at umbrellaed tables with checkered tablecloths at a Sunset
Boulevard outdoor cafe. Street traffic goes by while they dine. There's a
mild California breeze. The restaurant is somewhat crowded as Alvy makes his
way around the tables looking about. He finally sits down at an empty table;
nearby sits a woman with a younger man. A waitress brings Alvy a menu and
waits for his order.
ALVY
(To the waitress)
I'm gonna...I'm gonna have the alfalfa
sprouts and, uh, a plate of mashed yeast.
Annie, wearing a flowered dress and wide hat, moves into view. Alvy,
noticing her, watches as she walks over to his table. He rises and they shake
hands.
ANNIE
Hi.
Alvy wipes at his nose as he stares. He smiles, the street traffic moving
behind him. Annie smiles back.
ALVY
You look very pretty.
ANNIE
Oh, no, I just lost a little weight,
that's all.
(Alvy adjusts his glasses, not
exactly knowing where to start;
a bit uneasy)
Well, you look nice.
ALVY
(Nodding his head)
You see, I-I've been thinking about it
and I think that we should get married.
ANNIE
(Adjusting her sunglasses)
Oh, Alvy, come on.
ALVY
Why? You wanna live out here all year?
It's like living in Munchkin Land.
ANNIE
(Looking around)
Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's
perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's
very nice and, uh, well, I meet people
and I go to parties and-and we play tennis.
I mean, that's ... that's a very big step
for me, you know? I mean ...
(Reacting, Alvy looks down at
his hands, then up)
I'm able to enjoy people more.
ALVY
(Sadly)
So whatta you ... You're not gonna come
back to New York?
ANNIE
(Smiling)
What's so great about New York? I mean,
it's a dying city. You read "Death in
Venice."
ALVY
Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice"
till I bought it for yuh.
ANNIE
That's right, that's right.
(Still smiling)
You only gave me books with the word
"death" in the titles.
ALVY
(Nodding his head and gesturing)
That's right, 'cause it's an important
issue.
ANNIE
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life,
you know that? I mean, your life is New
York City. You're just this person.
You're like this island unto yourself.
ALVY
(Toying with his car keys)
I can't enjoy anything unless I ... unless
everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is
starving someplace, that's ... you know,
I-I ... it puts a crimp in my evening.
(Looking down at his hands, sadly)
So wanna get married or what?
ANNIE
(Seriously)
No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends.
ALVY
(In disbelief)
Okay.
(Louder, to the waitress)
Check, please. Can I -can I ...
Can I ... Can I ...
ANNIE
(Interrupting)
You're mad, aren't you?
ALVY
(Shaking his head)
No.
(Then nodding)
Yes, of course I'm mad, because you
love me, I know that.
ANNIE
Alvy, I can't say that that's true at
this point in my life. I really just
can't say that that's true. I mean,
you know how wonderful you are. I
mean, you know ... you're the reason
that I got outta my room and that I
was able to sing, and-and-and, you know,
get more in touch with my feelings and
all that crap. Anyway, look, I don't
wanna- Listen, listen, listen, uh
(Laughing)
h'h, so whatta you up to anyway, huh?
ALVY
(Shrugging his shoulders)
The usual, you know. Uh, tryin't'write.
I'm workin' on a play.
(Sighing)
Jesus. So whatta yuh saying? That
you're not comin' back to New York with
me?
He nods his head in disbelief.
ANNIE
(Nodding)
No!
(Pauses)
Look, I gotta go.
She starts to rise.
ALVY
You mean that ...
(He gets up and starts following
her past diners at other tables)
I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to
see you.
ANNIE
I'm late.
ALVY
Air miles, you know. I mean, you
know what that does to my stomach?
They move down the steps of the cafe' toward the parking lot.
ANNIE
If you must know, it's a hectic time
for Tony. The Grammys are tonight.
ALVY
The what?
ANNIE
The Grammys. He's got a lotta records
up for awards.
ALVY
You mean they give awards for that
kind o' music?
ANNIE
Oh!
ALVY
I thought just earplugs.
Annie gets into her car. Alvy moves over to his rented convertible.
ANNIE
Just forget it, Alvy, okay? Let's
just forget the conversation.
She closes the door, starts the motor.
ALVY
(Yelling after her)
Awards! They do nothing but give out
awards! I can't believe it. Greatest,
greatest fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler!
Annie drives away. Alvy gets behind the wheel, starts the motor. Putting the
car in gear, he inadvertently moves forward, hitting a bunch of trash cans with
a loud crash. Putting the car in reverse, Alvy notices a beige car that has
just turned into the parking lot. For a brief moment, the screen shows a
flashback of the bumper-car ride at the Brooklyn amusement park. Alvy's father
is on the Platform directing traffic; young Alvy is in a small car bumping
others right and left. Alvy, hack in the parking lot, backs up his convertible,
purposefully smashing the side of the beige car as another flashback of bumper-
car ride appears, this time-as, Alvy's father directs traffic-a Marine in a
small car bits the back end of a soldier's car, and Alvy, back in the parking
lot, moves his car over to another parked car and bits it full force.
Another flashback appears. people in the small cars really racing around the
track now, bumping into one another over and over again, Alvy's father
directing the flow, as the film cuts back to the parking lot, where Alvy
reverses the convertible and rams it into the front end of yet another car.
He sits behind the wheel as people rush out of various cars and as sirens
start blaring, coming closer and closer, stopping finally as a motorcycle cop
gets off beside Alvy's car and walks over to him.
ALVY
(Getting out of the car)
Officer, I know what you're gonna say.
I'm-I'm not a great driver, you know,
I-I have some problems with-with-with-
OFFICER
(Interrupting)
May I see your license, please?
ALVY
Sure.
(Searching, he finally fishes
his license out of his pocket)
just don't-don't get angry, you know
what I mean? 'Cause I-I have - I have
my-my license here. You know, it's a
rented car. And I've ...
He drops the license and it falls to the ground.
OFFICER
Don't give me your life story
(Looking at the piece of paper
on the ground)
-just pick up the license.
ALVY
Pick up the license. You have to ask
nicely 'cause I've had an extremely
rough day. You know, my girl friend-
OFFICER
(Interrupting)
Just give me the license, please.
ALVY
Since you put it that way.
(He laughs)
It's hard for me to refuse.
(He leans over, picks up the
license, then proceeds to rip
it up. He lets the pieces go;
they float to the ground)
... have a, I have a terrific problem
with authority, you know. I'm... it's
not your fault. Don't take it personal.
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL-CELLS CORRIDOR.
A guard moves down the ball to the cell where, Alvy stands with other inmates.
He unlocks the door and opens it, letting Alvy out.
ALVY
So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
He walks down the corridor off screen.
EXT. A STREET IN FRONT OF THE COURT HOUSE - DAY
Policemen are walking up and down the courthouse steps as Alvy and Rob move
out the door of the building, down the steps to the street.
ROB
Imagine my surprise when I got your
call, Max.
ALVY
(Carrying his jacket over his
shoulder)
Yeah. I had the feeling that I got
you at a bad moment. You know, I heard
high-pitched squealing.
They walk over to Rob's convertible and get in.
ROB
(Starting the car)
Twins, Max. Sixteen-year-olds. Can you
imagine the mathematical possibilities?
ALVY
(Reacting)
You're an actor, Max. You should be
doing Shakespeare in the Park.
ROB
Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max.
I got mugged. I was playing Richard the
Second and two guys with leather jackets
stole my leotard.
He puts on an elaborate helmet and goggles.
ALVY
(Looking at Rob's helmet)
Max, are we driving through plutonium?
ROB
Keeps out the alpha rays, Max. You
don't get old.
CUT TO:
INT. REHEARSAL HALL OF A THEATER.
An actor and actress sit on hard wooden chairs in a sparse rehearsal ball.
They face each other. The actress resembles Annie; the actor, Alvy.
ACTOR
You're a thinking person. How can you
choose this lifestyle?
ACTRESS
What is so incredibly great about New
York? It's a dying city! You-you read
"Death in Venice".
ACTOR
You didn't read "Death in Venice" till
I gave it to you!
ACTRESS
Well, you only give me books with the
word "death" in the title.
The camera pulls back, showing Alvy sitting with two men at a table set up
near the actors. A mirror, running the whole width of the wall, reflects the
two actors, a script lying on the table between them. It is obvious now that
they are rehearsing a scene that Alvy wrote.
ACTOR
(In mirrored reflection)
It's an important issue.
ACTRESS
(In mirrored reflection)
Alvy, you are totally incapable of
enjoying life.
The camera moves back to actual actor and actress.
ACTRESS
You're like New York. You're an island.
ACTOR
(Rising with emotion)
Okay, if that's all that we've been
through together means to you, I guess
it's better if we just said goodbye,
once and for all! You know, it's funny,
after all the serious talks and passionate
moments that it ends here ... in a health
-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
Goodbye, Sunny.
The actor begins to leave as the actress jumps up from her chair.
ACTRESS
Wait! I'm-I'm gonna ... go with you.
(The actor comes back. They embrace)
I love you.
The camera cuts to Alvy, who turns and looks straight into the camera.
ALVY
(To the audience, gesturing)
Tsch, whatta you want? It was my first
play. You know, you know how you're
always tryin' t' get things to come out
perfect in art because, uh, it's real
difficult in life. Interestingly, however,
I did run into Annie again. It was on the
Upper West Side of Manhattan.
Annie, singing "Seems Like Old Times, " overlaps Alvy's speech and continues
over the next scene, where Alvy, standing in front of a Manhattan theater,
shakes hands with Annie and her escort. The theater marquee reads "OPHULS
PRIZE FILM: 'THE SORROW AND THE PITY'."
ALVY'S VOICE
(Over the theater scene and,
Annie's singing)
She had moved back to New York. She was
living in SoHo with some guy.
(Laughing)
And when I met her she was, of all things,
dragging him in to see "The Sorrow and the
Pity." Which I counted as a personal
triumph. Annie and I ...
(Alvy's voice continues over the
scene shot through a window of
Manhattan cafe showing Alvy and
Annie sitting at a table, laughing
and enjoying themselves)
... we had lunch sometime after that, and,
uh, just, uh, kicked around old times.
A series of flashbacks following in quick succession while Annie continues to
sing:
Annie and Alvy going up the FDR Drive, the day they met playing tennis, Annie
driving, Alvy bolding up partially eaten sandwich.
Annie and Alvy in the Hamptons house kitchen, Annie banding a live lobster to
Alvy, who drops it in the pot on the stove.
Annie and Alvy walking side by side by the shoreline.
Alvy at the tennis club, packing his bag, as he looks over his shoulder and
sees Annie, hands on her face, then clapping, as she offers him a ride home
in her car.
Annie opening the door to Alvy the night he came over to kill the spider; Annie
and, Alvy in the bookstore buying the "Death" titles; Annie and, Alvy in
their Hamptons house, Annie reading a school catalogue, the night Alvy puts
in the red light.
The memories continue to flash on the screen: Annie and Alvy at a friend's
house, Alvy blowing the cocaine all over the sofa; Annie and Alvy playing
tennis; Annie and Alvy having a picture taken backstage at the college
performance in Annie's hometown; Alvy bolding Annie close, the night he came
over to kill the spider.
And continue: Annie carrying her luggage and clothes into Alvy's bedroom, Alvy
following, the day she first moved into his apartment. Annie holding up her
sexy birthday present from Alvy, then leaning over and kissing him; Annie and
Alvy walking down a city street, holding each other close; sitting on the park
bench, observing the people; and kissing, on the FDR Drive, the New York City
skyline behind them.
The music stops.
Returning to the present, the camera, focusing through the cafe window, shows
Annie and Alvy across street. They look about at the city traffic. Lunch is
over; it's time.
Alvy and Annie shake hands and kiss each other friendly like. Annie crosses
the street, Alvy watching her go. Then he turns, and slowly walks down the
street off screen. His voice is heard over the scene:
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
After that it got pretty late. And we
both hadda go, but it was great seeing
Annie again, right? I realized what a
terrific person she was and-and how much
fun it was just knowing her and I-I
thought of that old joke, you know, this-
this-this guy goes to a psychiatrist and
says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He
thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the
doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn
him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but
I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
pretty much how how I feet about
relationships. You know, they're totally
irrational and crazy and absurd and ...
but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it
because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
THE END
DISSOLVES INTO:
BLACK BACKGROUND;
credits popping on and off in white.