Good morning Eunho! I hope you will have a great day today!
Woaaa almost a month have passed that I finally have some times to write for you! I miss you so so much Eunho!! How have you been lately, do you have enough time to rest? I have heard you guys’ upcoming plans which will be a very busy period, please at least always remember to drink enough water! Some days I was so busy that I forgot to drink some and it really was tiring and caused unclear thinking, so remember to always do it!
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You know Eunho, I couldn’t write for you for so long due to the amount of work I had to deal with. Those were very tough weeks to me. Some days I kept skipping sleeping because I didn’t have time to. I was the only one who cared for the group project which had to be done by the whole group and due to some unutterable reasons that I couldn’t tell that to my lecturer either. I stayed up the whole nights working while the other ones had time going out and slept so well but they got the same scores as me because I wasn’t able to tell anyone that almost everything was made by only me, not with them.
I was all alone, at some points it was too unbearable that I cried a lot. But of course, to only myself and I had to hide those tears from everyone too.
Some moments I decided to take a small break for a few minutes and I opened those streams of you guys’, especially those OT5 streams. I numbed my pains with them. I truly so envy you Eunho. You guys’ chemistry was what put a smile on my face, but also the same time a knife stabbed right into my heart. I didn’t have enough strength to run away from the fact that I was all alone anymore.
誰か 名前を呼んで 僕の (Someone, please, call my name)
突然悲しくなるのは何故 (Suddenly, I feel sad, but why?)
- Depression of the Young Literati
It was so painful how I could clearly answer for that question, but, couldn’t do anything against it. How amazing of you to be able to find the people who are willing to go through the hard time with you Eunho, I wonder what you have done and how much you have been through to achieve that greatness. Please don’t be mad at me for saying this stupid thing, but I truly am so jealous of you, I have capability, I also worked so hard, even harder than many people and I also put my heart in it, but afterwards what I got was only the unfair pain. The only thing I haven’t achieved is the environment that is suitable for me and the people who cares of me, but concurrently that is the very main cause of the aching of my heart too.
I’m so sorry for expressing such great negativity to you, I just want to give myself a chance to not bear this affliction all in my heart, releasing it out might be a better way. The moment I finished this letter will be the moment I had finished crying while writing too, it does feel nicer to finally face it and accept my weakness instead of keep hiding by saying I’m still fine. We will be weak at some points and pause for a while, right? We can’t keep on walking ceaselessly forever.
And also do you know Eunho, feeling jealous of you guys’ chemistry while rewatching the streams wasn’t the only emotion existed. It also a great hope of being capable of escaping this hurtful present that was there. I wasn’t be able to get away with it, but I still believe the future to be better, and being able to find the places and the ones for me like how you guys found each other, is the dream that keeps me standing up after falling. What happened during those passing weeks, I will assume it as a nightmare I had, now I wake up, those were all just a bad dream.
From time to time during those days, while suffering, I didn’t know why I suddenly thought of you more. Have you ever suffered such an agonizingly inescapable circumstance? Did you have to pay hard for it? Did it haunt your every single minute of living? Have you gotten away from it yet? What did you do to deal with it?... Countless question supposed to be from me to me, but then it was just filled with your image. Who knows due to having the curiosity on something else that my suffering might get decreased. And I happened to read a poem by 유현아 - 오늘의 달력:
어제의 꿈을 오늘도 꾸었다
아무도 위로할 수 없는 절망의 바닥을 보았다
바닥 밑에 희망이 우글우글 숨어 있을 거라고 거짓말했다
한장을 넘겨보아도 똑같은 달의 연속이었다
못 하는 게 없는 것보다 어쨌거나 버티는 게 중요했다
바닥 밑에 바닥, 바닥 밑에 바닥이 있을 뿐이라고
그럼에도 우리는
바닥에 미세한 금들이 소용돌이치는 것을 보았다
바닥의 목소리가 뛰어올라 공중에서 사라질 때까지
당신의 박수 소리가 하늘 끝에서 별처럼 빛날 때까지
오늘도 달력을 넘기는 것이다
우리에게 일어나는 슬픔은 겨우 손톱만큼의 조각
당신의 애인에게서 내일의 꿈을 들었다
We are turning the calendar over again today, so the sorrow happens to us is only a piece the size of a fingernail.
Today is Christmas Eve, I wish you all of the warmest thing in the world! I hope you will spend today and tomorrow fully on things you love! I took my free time yesterday since next week will also be a stressful one with me again, hopping on the Merry PLLIstmas dance challenge, can’t wait to post it on my Tiktok today hehe. I will end my letter with a song recommendation: 톰보이 뮤직비디오 – 혁오. Have a nice day Eunho, I love you so much!! ❤️❤️