Hi Eunho! I hope it has been a great day for you!
The week has started again, wish that it will be filled with joy for you hehe! I’m having a 3-week holiday which is such a great thing a for me because I can get to write more for you!!
Almost 3 weeks ago, my favorite animation channel on Youtube – JJALTOON, just released the full version of the song [언제나 네 곁에].
It is my favorite song from their channel! Although the full version sounds so chill and joyful, the original one in an episode in fact was very sad 😢😢, whenever I rewatch it, I always cry.
You know Eunho, last week, in spite of not being too busy and I thought I would write for you more than usual, I couldn’t. I was having quite severe a fever. My body was in such great pain, it has been so long since the last time I got such awful coughing, I felt like my throat was being torn apart and could bleed at anytime due to how bad the situation was.
And one of the bad things about me is that whenever I have a high fever, my mind is such a mess and I am always full of great negative thoughts like maybe I should die so the world can be cleaner without me, afterwards I still have to be the only one going through this hurtful road, no magic things would happen because how could someone be there and take over the pain for me?
Nevertheless, you know what is beautiful Eunho? Like I once told you, whenever those awful moments happen, I will try to grab my device and listen to your singing.
Oh just,
Something in your voice, it, it softens me, softens the world. Millions voices screaming suddenly turns silent when you sing, lava turns honey pouring to my brain, a tight warm hug so that I can never let everything go.
A sentence: “I will always be by your side”.
That night, I listened to you sing, my body was so heavy and numb but I’m glad that tears were able to fall off. The pain from the sickness was a reality that I couldn’t run away from, but that night somehow I could feel myself slowly and peacefully fall asleep, it was the feeling of you being able to take a rest while your whole world is not thing but chaos. Those next days when I woke up, although I still had to suffer from the sickness, your beautiful voice was there being my sedative and I knew the pain I was going through wasn’t as bad as it would have if I hadn’t got to listen to your singing.
Oh Eunho! Many questions flowed across my mind. I wonder what my past self would feel when they knew that they didn’t have to go through all of this completely alone anymore, I wonder what they would feel to know there really is someone out there can reduce the pain they have been suffered, I wonder what would happened if I never had a chance to know about you and got to listen to you Eunho.
“Every morning, I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car parts, bottles, and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit, a way to start the day
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you”
Hyperballad – Björk
Sometimes I really keep questioning myself, if you obviously do acknowledge that someone out there is suffering in their life, while you are asleep safe and sound, is the time they are fighting against those suicidal thoughts. But, you are the reason they are fighting for. They fight, so that they can join in protecting you, they fight, so that they can watch you grow, they fight in order to be happier watching you. And you are the power that helps they fight too, your voice is the voice in their head that convinces them to not give up, the answer to the longing question “What exactly am I keep trying hard for?”. Eunho may never know about me, but the Eunho in my heart is always there for me, is the reason why I am still here. Really Eunho, it really is a haunting question – what would my life turn into if I have never known about PLAVE, about you from the beginning? I always remember the last question requiring answer for being able to access to PLAVE’s fancafe in April: Write a short cheering message for PLAVE, and I wrote something like “Thank you for following your dream, you are the reason why someone is still alive”, it still is, and it will always be. Thank you so much Eunho, for choosing this road, for showing the world your beauty, for saving me.
Today I want to recommend you 2 songs I mentioned earlier in the letter: 언제나 네 곁에 – 짐승친구들 and Hyperballad – Björk, they’re perfect songs to summarize what I want to say in this letter. Have a good night and good day Eunho, I love you so much!! ❤️ ❤️