binnie!
I want to talk to you about a few things today.
tw for mentions of disability, eating disorders, and drinking
firstly I want to apologise. I always see people being so active on here and writing every day, ot at least every couple of days...and I always feel so bad that lately I've only been able to visit you here every few weeks. I've mentioned in another letter that I have a few things that could be considered a disability to the uk government. one being a heart condition called POTS, and another I'm being checked for. I've been absent while going for tests and blood checks, as it's possible I could have something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which leaves me exhausted after using barely any energy. I'll keep you updated on my results, but for now...that.
secondly, I'm sorry if you've had to read a lot of letters like this over the past 24 hours, but I wanted to talk to you about your pm yesterday. Opening up about a dark or difficult matter in your life is never easy, and especially when it comes down to your mental health. I feel like out of all of the idols I've stanned in my 5 years of listening to kpop, I've never met an idol who is as real and honest as you are. While it pains me to hear you confirm what I worried was the case about your condition during RTK, I'm so proud of you for growing from that experience.
I want to open up and be honest to you, now. I'm 22 years old, still the same age as my first letter, and will turn 23 in november. when I was a teenager, i had a very hard time living life, and took that out on myself. I was bullied to the point I wanted to no longer live, i spent my days getting my things stolen and being pushed down the stairs, only to come home and have to look after my mom (who is disabled). By the time I was in college (age 16-18)...I was peer pressured into drinking, and in the least explicit way possible...I was um..."taken advantage of" while I was half conscious. By age 17, I had fallen into a never ending rabbit hole of worrying about what I ate, if I could eat, what I could eat.
during the summer, I was weighing myself every hour, crying when being forced to eat more than cucumber sticks and lettuce, had to spit out food i couldnt handle, counted calories on everything, and in august 2017, I collapsed during my weekly checkup and was admitted to hospital the next week with a bmi of 14. I was there for 5 months, and every day was a struggle in it's own way. Now, after 2 hospital admissions (the other being the one I mentioned in my first letter), I realise how dangerous that situation was for me, and i promised myself i would never let it get that bad ever again. obviously it did because i dropped to my lowest weight last year and was in hospital again with a bmi of 12...but now I have something motivating me.
it's you. ever since you've been working out and posting photos of your meals, it has inspired me to want to try new foods, and eventually when I figure out what's going wrong with my body, I want to take up exercising so I can be stronger. No idol has ever pushed me forward in that sense, and i can only thank you for that. For helping me see that things like bigger muscles, toned (not caved in) stomachs can be beautiful, and that trying new foods can be so much fun. everyone around me knows how much you mean to me, but I dont think people know why, and I dont really open up about most of this stuff to others. So...yeah. thank you again ♡
finally, you spoke about being grateful the other day on vlive, and a couple days ago I had a moment like that. where I just felt so unbelievably grateful for the people around me, my experiences, and where I will be in however many years time because I chose to get better. Of course, besides my partner, my mom, my friends, and kpop music as a whole for bringing me happiness, you were also included in that. So i made a thread that was basically why you should stan kevin moon and...omg. so many people saw it, it's at 700 likes now, with so many people agreeing you are indeed talented/a good role model/a joy in their lives.
https://twitter.com/peachyminis/status/1546890550019821569?t=Cp2yyn1wg5A6VTten27jTw&s=19 < link if you wanna see it
You have helped so many people during your time as an idol, and I cant thank your past self enough for realising things werent right and getting yourself out of that dark time so you can be here, happy and healthy.
this was a bit emotional to write, as...again...I'm not one to open up to people I look up to. I did it once when I was a teenager and was shrugged off, so i decided to not do that again. but I trust that you wont brush this off, and will be open to reading what I've spoken about with an open mind. I didnt do it for a pity party, I did it so you can see just how much you have helped me through your music and content alone, and that I'm not kidding when I say you saved my life. truly.
please never stop being you. whether it's fun tweets, screaming beyonce at 3am, sharing your bead arts with us...we love you for you. dont ever think you're not enough, because goddammit if i sense a single kg lost mr. moon, I will personally swim to korea and flick your head. I'm kidding I wont do that, but take care of yourself, okay? eating is so important when you're in a job where you constantly are moving and need energy. dont let yourself get to that point, and keep sharing your meal photos with us...they always look really good T^T
I'm going to attempt to tidy my room and blast some TBZ, but I'll see you on pm/vlive/twt when you next decide to visit us.
I love you to the 🌙 and back
-leaf 🌱
p.s. when you get back to korea, if you have the chance, can we get a piano vlive? I suck at sleeping too, but they help me sleep and I havent seen you do one in a while T^T