HEY, JACOB...
It is already December 31st, 2022. 💨
Every end of year brings me an ambiguous feeling, like, "this year finally ended", but also, "another year passed by", something like that (?)
The last OT11 Vlive made me smile a lot when I got home that day, I really feel happy to be a Deobi 🥹 OH! No, I didn't forget the last DJ Cob of 2022!! I really really missed you... 🤧 It was quite short (hehehe me being a deobi used to getting 2h-vlives 😂), but just having a little time with you was enough. We finally listened to Why Don't We 😭 8 Letters is a song one of my friends recommended me years ago and I remember how I got addicted to it before What Am I became my fav. Do you know Love Back, but the Stripped version? That is also one of my favs from them :)
"Baby, I just want my love back
I'd love to love someone new
But I gave it all to you"
That hits deep hehehe
Ahm... So...
Guess lately I've been running out of words, sometimes I feel so lost that I don't even know what I want, or what I want to say. There are these days when I just exist and the worst is: not wanting to feel like this, but never knowing what to do to change it. That's why I considered a lot whether to come take this cup of coffee or not, knowing my own self, these not so positve feelings always end up affecting the result. Obviously, I don't wanna bring you down or screw up the NYE vibes so... I'm doing my best to keep good words while still being honest - it may be just homesickness hitting after all.
…
* Went back to check my previous letter and saw your pic again... "What would I say if you were right in front of me?", "If I was the artist, I'd want you to be honest with me, even when things weren't going well"... Maybe I need to share those 20kg...
In the end, guess I can't lie to you...
I'm just not feeling good today :( And it keeps getting worse because I don't wanna feel like this, I had told myself a month ago that this end of year would be different than the last one, but when I woke up today... I just :( I miss my family, I miss having the whole New Year's Eve mood, everyone in the kitchen, getting my devices ready to watch the performances, waiting for the fireworks... I miss feeling like I'm ending the year on a good note, as if the days-off were a reward for everything I worked for throughout the year. But it's been 2 years that I don't feel like that. New Year's days-off seem meaningless when I have worked for nothing. There is nothing I accomplished. There's also nothing in my plans. I feel like... if it was possible to walk on time, I'd be stuck in place. I walk, I get tired, but still get nowhere. It's hard talking about it like this to other people. Everytime a few words leave my mouth, I crumble down and cry like a 5-year-old. Plus, I don't wanna say all of this to my mum when she's doing her best to keep everything going to our family. Which is another point on why I'm feeling this way. It's okay to be lost at times, I know that, everyone has their own timing, but... I'm almost 23 and it just kills me seeing I can't help her better than this, that I can't do more, that I'm behind everybody else when she invested everything in me. The other day I sadly opened Instagram. Before, I used to compare myself to my former high school classmates and ended up getting depressed. But now, thankfully I got better, I got a liiiiiittle bit stronger at it. The only point is that, about my mom. I don't feel bad for myself, I feel bad for her, knowing how much she wanted me to graduate.
I do know we are where we’re supposed to be. I know God has His plans and they're perfect. But I'm still human, I still get scared seeing how my life is unfolding, insecure after going through this 360-degrees turn.
*phew*
Sorry for putting everything out like that 😔
I'll probably forget about all of this when Gayo starts~ I just want to break this cycle and get things done, bring everything out of paper, out of my mind and into reality. I just wanna stop being a coward.
Now let me get the sugar 'cause this coffee got way too bitter 😅😅
Have an amazing night performing and celebrating getting through 2022 until the end, Bae. You were the best part of it to me, the chapters in full color even when the book seemed to be written in black and white. I'll never be able to thank you or say I love you enough times.
2023 will be TBZ year, THE BOYZ WORLD DOMINATION! Wishing the best transition to you all, ot11! Excited to see the special stage too, I'll be here waiting and cheering!
And, Jacob...
Considering you read these letters/pms, I wanna say thank you again for bearing with me... I kinda write too much and too frequently hehehe Do you think one day I'll be able to become such a safe and comfortable place to somebody too? I don't know how you do it, but you just do. Not only for me, but for so many people. Hope you can stay true to your purpose, and I'll keep on looking for mine. Keep eating well - I know that outter beauty weights a lot in your job, but to me you're always perfect. You wouldn't have to diet/get abs if you don't want to kekeke I know you're doing your best and you'll probably work even more in 2023, so stay strong, okay? Whatever may come our way, we'll be fine having each other here, right? Mutual support kinda-thing~
Wish you health, happiness, accomplishments, strength, a thousand reasons to smile your beautiful smile and a thousand more to be thankful for. Wish you love too, I hope God brings you good people around you and that you find your special one to give and receive love, respect, care and faith. Wish you even stronger bonds with the boys, I hope you guys can grow this friendship day by day for a long time - let's find eternity even in our counted days together.
Here's to a Jacobful year.
Make it worth it, Cobie!
Have a safe and incredible New Year's Eve and a happy 2023~ 🤍
Thank you and sorry 🤍
Is it okay to say I love you this much?
ily~
- E ☕️
#TSR🎧: One Day at a Time - A TEE Z
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