hii, my best boy ^^
i read the letter i wrote for your birthday last year, and i know now why you thought i'm not going to be a the b anymore. the feeling of the letter is kinda... sad right? so it mayb vague that you might misinterpret my intention.
and now i feel guilt for real for making you thought like that. ㅠㅠ
i'll explain everything here, in hope that you'll understand my true intention, and be a bit more reassure. there's gonna be some part where you might feel uncomfortable, but since it was all in the past, so 많이 신경 쓰지마 ok?
back in early 2022, when the announcement about you caught covid 19 came out... though i knew it was just you encountered bad luck being the first one in the group, and there was nothing wrong being sick during the pandemic, but when the company gave out an unuseful detail about how you got sick from meeting an acquaintance outside of work, i couldn't help but felt a bit disappointed. ㅠㅠ from my point of view, as a member of a team, you should have been more careful. of course the other members might also go out meeting their acquaintances too, but still... if you were at risk due to work, things wouldn't have turned out this way.
i remember it was a very tough week woke up to the announcement of the members being sick one by one. i knew it must be harder for you both physical and mental. i wanted to encourage you but i was afraid. if i write a letter to you while i couldn't put aside my feeling, i'd end up be one of those who hurt you.
and then you went on a hiatus...
when the announcement came out, i had no worry at all. i knew you'd definitely come back, because you love theb more than anyone else.
what i didn't know was it'd take that long.
when you weren't there, some part of the happiness in me had been taken away. i missed you and wondered how had you been. but i still had many things to hold on to, so living my life day by day wasn't that hard for me.
unlike you... the boyz is your everything. it's your life, your job, your hobby, your dream and your love. i couldn't imagine how it was like for you being alone in the States. how many tears you had shed.
then one day while i was watching come on the boyz: god-saeng, i suddenly thought why i could still enjoy the boyz's content even without you. like i got used to the boyz being 10. my heart beated fast. i was really scared of myself.
to me you're a little boy that i adore so much. you may not remember... but during thrill ride promotion i asked if i could be your fairy godmother.
i guessed i felt guilt for not doing my job.
you know those account selling idols' flights right? when your name came up, we were all so excited. even my friend who wasn't a the b contacted and congratulated me. it was like the light at the end of tunnel. we had high hope that you'd finally come back, but the flight kept put off til it got cancelled. there was even a rumour saying your mom came to talk to the company
at that time, i started to think what if you wouldn't come back. wouldn't it be better for you not to come back? because once you came back, you'd have to face those negative comments again and again. it wasn't like you did something wrong but the more famous you are the more haters gonna hate. i saw how people can be so rude and mean and cruel behind their keyboard. wouldn't it be better for you to live peacefully there? if it was for your sake, no matter what choice you'd choose, i'd agree to anything.
by that kind of thought i stopped counting whether the boyz was 10 or 11.
but the good news arrived when you finally came back to seoul at the very end of august. though you didn't join the group activities right away, i was very happy just knowing that you were with us again.
you might think that i wasn't a the b because you didn't see me the past year but i wanted you to know that i really lived my life diligently as a the b.
the b zone in jakarta x1
the b zone in bangkok x2
the b zone encore in seoul x3
the b zone in kobe x2
the b zone in tokyo x2
i won't deny that there were times when i lost my passion being a the b, especially when you guys became so famous like this.
before the pandemic we used to see each others a lot right? i flew to korea every time you had a comeback, waited for your 출퇴근, applied for your pre-recording and even got into some of the live broadcast. i'd go to the fansign event once or twice. i remembered go to a lot of places for the concert too.
but i don't think i can do that anymore.
more than 3,000 people applied for the pre-recording. the face-to-face fansign winners limited to only 30 people. first 5 rows of the concert ticket cost nearly 2 millions korean won.
i went to the b road you know... but while others fans bought expensive tickets from the reseller, i just went with my original ticket on the 3rd floor.
that's why last year i wrote...
'even when you don't see me, i' ll always see you and have you in mind. i'll love and support you no matter how far apart we are.'
it wasn't because i'm not going to be a the b amymore. it's just that i couldn't bring myself to be there where you could see me.
something really bad happened to me in late december 2022... my whole world collapsed. i didn't know what to believe or what to hold onto. while staring at the wall tears flew without me knowing. then you came to pm saying...
'몸이 아프거나, 마음이 아프거나, 육체적으로, 심리적으로 힘든 더비가 있다면
정말 얼마 남지 않은 올해까지만 그러구
내년에는 정말 웃음만 가득하고 건강하고 행복한 2023이 되길 두 손 모아 기도할게'
when you typed that did you have any idea it'd save someone's life? because you saved me.
you've grown up a lot. your words, your actions, your existence mean so much to me even more than before. i felt like i was the one getting love and comfort from you.
but i was glad that i got in for your 1:1 video call. i got to fix your misunderstanding and got to tell you what i wanted to.
i saw the video clip that 릭뭉님 uploaded on twitter. she asked you when do you feel loved by 릭프 the most? i didn't know whether 릭뭉님 did the video call before or after me nor you still remember your answer to that question or not, but i hope that you felt the love i have for you too.
please always remember that you have my trust. i'll believe in no one but you. even if you don't see me, i'll always be there for you. i won't go anywhere. ok?
ahh!! don't forget our promise that you'll be more careful with your body!! that's the most important!!
ps. sorry that it took me so long to finish this letter. it was kinda emotional that i had to stop writing from time to time. :P
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