binnie ✨
I'm on time somehow...who wouldve thought. anyways I'm here already because I had a nightmare and decided to freshen my mind before I sleep. its yellow today~
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yellow's meaning in sunshine. I dont have tooooo much to say for today as I'm barely awake so get ready for all sorts of almost-English
im taking sunshine as my sunshines in life...so this should be easy. my first sunshine is almost always my girlfriend, annie. Before annie, I never really felt like I deserved to be loved, and she makes me feel all kinds of loved and wanted. I went from people faking liking me (as previously mentioned) to someone who genuinely loves me and who i genuinely love back. I could never get bored of her and I'm so grateful she is in my life.
my next sunshine is the boyz. my girlfriend can't always be around when we have such different lives and timezones, but the best part about TBZ is they are there everywhere I go. Feeling sad? watch content. feeling alone? watch old livestreams. need a laugh? throw on a fanmade funny moments video. You always seem to know when I need someone, even tonight I woke up from a nightmare and found you on bbl. other times I've been having an awful day or a scary thought and one of you has suddenly come on live or bbl (I only have your bbl, but I keep up with all the members via translation accounts)
my last sunshine, despite feeling like one sometimes, is my art. its something I can do with no limits, its something that makes me feel like I have something going for me...it really is my favourite thing I'm able to do. If I have an idea, I can execute it in a way no one else can, and while its taken years to not find fault in everything I do, there are still moments of doubt...just not immediately after posting something. even today, I've been on edge that you found the art I sent in my last letter weird, I've barely been able to focus thinking "ah...did I do the wrong thing again?" because these days, I do worry I have done things wrong, and that like I've been told by people, you hate me for what I create and say. But I'm trying so hard to not let it effect the way I see the art overall. I'm not gonna suddenly get at 7-8 hours of work over a worry that is just me being all "why did I say this why did I do that" again. I'm aware my dumb little brain overworks itself a lot these days
so those are my sunshines. I know, like most sunshines, they have their clouds and rain storms, but sometimes those moments can bring out a rainbow (apt for this month tbh) so I still embrace them regardless
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I have a feeling I'm gonna wake up being like "wtf did I even write" but tbf I felt like I was gonna word yellow's day weird anyway.
I truly hope that whatever I do doesnt make you uncomfortable. it's hard to think that something I did with good intentions could hurt another person, but it's harder to not worry about that with other people's input.
(sometimes it's not what you see, it's how its implied...people can be mean sometimes.)
I'm gonna finally try and sleep. I hope you can also sleep well whenever that rest finds you. you are so loved and wanted by many people, and what you do is amazing. as always, please never lose that part of you.
ilytt🌙ab 💛
leaf 🌱
p.s. you should totally film a tiktok cover of the song from the little mermaid but with that one water filter. that's it that's the extra message today I'm too tired to say anything else