so much (for) tourdust • 06.21.2023
(some of the timing got thrown off when i exported this, please politely ignore that if you can. :] also it’s in 2 parts bc i could not cut this under 10 minutes and fancafe was fighting me)
like i said at the end, i’m really happy i went despite everything. it was difficult for sure - i cried a lot, and i was really struggling mentally the whole time i was in chicago. god bless cath honestly - we had a lot of really good talks about loss and how to deal with losing a loved one while i was there. it helped me a lot. getting feedback from my support system has been the biggest help throughout all of this.
i think i may have mentioned this , but the last conversation my mother and i had was about this concert. and how excited she was that i was going to a hometown fall out boy show - my dream since i was like , 14 or 15 . so i felt like i owed it to her . and it was difficult not being able to live update her on every single thing that happened while i was there . but i’m still happy that i went . and i had chicago pizza for her (and no, i don’t think it’s better than new york pizza).
i miss her so fucking much, this is genuinely the absolute worst pain in the entire world. i didn’t understand the phrase “take it one day at a time” until now, because now i go to bed and wonder how the fuck i’m going to survive tomorrow. but i will - i’ll do it for her, if not for myself yet. and i’ll continue to make memories. her favorite thing to say to me was “what story do you want to tell?”. and i’ll make it a good one for her, so i can tell her later.
did you know that, even in adulthood, you’re still considered an orphan when you’ve lost both of your parents? “adult orphan”. yuck.
anyways i’m rambling now. i haven’t slept in weeks (wonder why.) i’m gonna try and sleep at least a little.
love u kevin moon. thank you for continuing to read about my stupid little life.
~emma-elayne