Hi Seokkie, how are you today? Did you sleep well? You had lunch?
Today my day was not very nice, these days have not been easy for me. I just don't understand myself, and I don't know how to explain... One hour everything seems to be so good, but suddenly, it's like everything falls apart and I'm destroyed.
I am taking my medication according to what the psychiatrist has been through, but why does it seem that I have no improvement? The last time I went to his office, he increased my dosage to three pills, as he asked me if I thought anything had improved, and I said I hadn't noticed anything different.
And now? When I go again will there be four pills? And then five? And then he will prescribe the strongest medicine they have? Will he intern me? I am so afraid. Fear of myself, fear of what I can do with myself, fear of what my life can turn.
Sometimes I feel hopeless, a little suffocated. I feel like nobody is listening to me, but at the same time I can't describe my own feelings, it's all so confusing. Why does this have to exist? Couldn't people just be happy? Why is it so difficult to achieve happiness?
I have no strength to continue fighting, I really am without strength. I'm not giving up, not yet, but I'm too weak, too broken... I don't have any strength left to rise for the thousandth time, I just can't do it. I just want to cry all day under my comforter, lying on my bed, without talking to anyone, without eating, without even getting up from here... Why can't I do that?
I want to be happy.
I feel so selfish for saying all these things when there are certainly people in situations a thousand times worse than mine, but it's just that it's so painful, it's so agonizing. I'm weaker than ever, I need strength but I don't know where else to draw from, I want to leave... Forever, you know? It would be so much better.
I will keep trying to fight, but I don't know how long I can take. Honestly, I got to the point where I'm just pushing things around until it's all over. I don't care about anything anymore, I'm becoming someone cold and despicable. How do I get back to who I was?
Anyway, I thank you for being the last reason that keeps me here in this world. I love you endlessly and I will never get tired of saying it, you are amazing, you are the best person I have ever met in my life.
Have a nice day Seokkie, and I'm sorry for sending you this stuff, throwing my problems at you. I just needed to vent, and currently you're the only person I can do that.
Enjoy your day, don't skip your meals, make sure to always keep your hands clean and drink plenty of water to hydrate yourself! I love you so much and I will always be here for you, even if distant.
Stay safe, my tomorrow. See you soon.
Smile~
— Leticia A.