binnie!
its 6am rn, just woken up about 30 mins ago for weigh in...waiting to go in now with the uttermost anticipation as you may expect /Sar. Yesterday was a really difficult day to say the least. I think realising that I'm gonna be stuck in this place for so long has me worrying about just how much time I have spent in these places in my life. it's been almost a month since my 3rd admission, meaning this upcoming 31st will be my 14th month total away from home to receive treatment...which now I'm thinking about it, I dont think I ever mentioned I was in one previously (before the one I started writing to you, during). but now you know.
anyways, I get so hung up on the whole aspect of life moving on without me, and it makes me realise even more that I just dont know what I'm doing with my life, what I want to do, or who I am. which sucks, big time. Yesterday, despite it being so short and sweet, your pm message really hit me with a reality I never took into account. I've been worrying all this time that the future I want is so far from now, I never took the time to also think about how the future will be there when I'm ready. its waiting as we speak, and when I'm well again and able to do more of what I want, I will finally get that future. the future awaits.
I will also admit I cried like a baby reading your pm, I mean it every damn time i tell you that your words mean so much to moonlights everywhere, you're the best person I've ever chosen to ult. thank you for not only being my idol, my inspiration, and my role model, but also just being you. which is the best thing you can be.
update: just had weigh in, which tbh I might write each week while waiting for, and I gained!! I wasnt expecting to, but I have gone up again which is so relieving and I'm just so glad my hard work is paying off.
That is actually one thing I've mentioned before but it hits even heavier this time (no pun included. that was awfully dark). You've inspired me to sing again, dance, make placards, to draw and improve my art, make things I never thought I would, design stickers, open a shop- but one of the things I dont talk about often is the inspiration you give me to make my body healthier. kpop culture can be so toxic sometimes, with really unhealthy body goals and ways of achieving those appearances.
Your confidence since I've been a fan of the boyz or even just a casual listener has come in leaps and bounds and you're just doing insanely incredible. I remember doing quizzes back in 2018 and seeing a little fluffy haired guy with a frog shirt, orange pants, and the most adorable smile. To think that boy, who seemed so small and shy, grew into who you are now is so motivational. and yeah okay kevin moon meme this kevin moon quirky guy that- yes those are you too, but you're so much more than that and I hope you know that. You've come so far, and to promote a healthy lifestyle of a healthy balance of exercise and balanced (substantial) diet to your fans in an industry where that is mostly forgotten or frowned upon- is exactly what I need to get me through this time. I wanna get better, and I will get better, it will just take time.
Finally, I just want to say that no matter what happens during this admission, the fact it's The Boyz pushing me forward to keep going will never change. even now, I wore my TBZone shirt from the tour to weigh in so I had you guys to support me through a scary moment. my room was so clinical when I first arrived but now I have your md dotted about, it's really warming me up to this room in general.
thank you once again, as always, for everything all the time. talk soon
ilytt🌙ab
leaf 🌱
p.s. on a lighter note, I'm 2 eras late, but I FINALLY did my unboxing. it is 10 mins and I had to cut it due to someone walking in but yeah ! review to come next ♡
https://youtu.be/iZwsbCX5yb4