NBC Saturday Night Live 0125

TV Channel 4 Sat Jan 25 23:31:05 2003 he^f this presidency, and you made history. As the party holding the white house, republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and senate. But because of your support, we actually gained seats, increasing our majority in the house and returning the senate to republican control. Let's look at the senate. Before the election, its 100 members included 50 democrats, 49 republicans and 1 independent -- senator jeffords of vermont, the pee-pants who switched parties. [ Laughter ] that's 50 democrats, 49 republicans and 1 independent. On tuesday, democrats picked up one seat in arkansas. But republicans gained three -- in georgia, minnesota and missouri. Thus, in january, the new senate will have -- [ laughter ] 51 democrats, 52 republicans and 1 independent. No, wait, that can't be right. [ Laughter ] wait, let's try this. [ Laughter ] on tuesday, democrats lost three seats, but republicans only lost one, which means, come next year, the 100-member senate will have -- 47 democrats, 48 republicans and 1 independent. Hang on. [ Laughter ] no, that's right. [ Laughter ] [ applause ] 47 democrats, 48 republicans, 1 independent. Now let's look at the races for governor. Before the election, the 50-state governors included 27 republicans, 21 democrats and 2 independents. On tuesday, 36 states held races for governor. Republicans won 22. [ Laughter ] democrats won 14. So come january, we will have, by my calculation -- [ laughter ] 49 republican governors and 35 democrats. Although i believe i'm counting some of them twice here. [ Laughter ] because that's too many. But the numbers aren't important. You see, this election was about more than how many governors there are. It was about helping your friends. Now, let's be frank. I'm a popular guy. [ Laughter ] I like people with the possible exception of senator jeffords, the little fudge-drawers from vermont. [ Laughter ] and more important, people like me. Perhaps, i thought, if i asked them to, they would also like my friends. That's why, just before the election, I went on a 5-day, 15-state campaign blitz in order to help my friends running for office. Just as on the other side, former president clinton and vice president gore were doing the same, although, in their case, in a losing effort. [ Light laughter ] now the results are in. I congratulate my friends on their victories, and as we try to move america forward, i hope I can count on their support. Just as former president clinton and vice president gore could have counted on the support of those they tried to help, had the outcome been different, and had their help not actually been the kiss of death. [ Laughter ] one final word to the american people -- you gave me the republican senate i asked for, and I won't let you down. And to senator jeffords of vermont -- welcome to hell. [ Laughter ] thank you. And live from new york, it's "saturday night." [ Cheers and applause ] >>> announcer: It's "saturday night live"! [ Applause ] with -- with -- featuring -- lenny pickett and the "saturday night live" band musical guest -- eve and your host -- nia vardalos ladies and gentlemen, nia vardalos! [ Cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >>> thank you. Thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ] I am the girl from "my big fat greek wedding," and I can't believe I'm here! I can't believe it! [ Cheers and applause ] yes. Six months ago, I was trying to get a job at the mall selling shoes -- [ light laughter ] -- and now i am hosting this show. When the movie came out, it's like it exploded, because there are millions of greeks in america, and they all went opening weekend because greeks support each other. [ Cheers ] we're like family. Tina fey is on the show, and she's greek, and already it feels like we're cousins. Tina, come up here. >> Hey. Hi, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] nia, you are such a big deal in my family, you would not believe it. My mom came all the way from philadelphia tonight for the show. >> She did? She's in the audience? Hi. [ Laughter ] >> oh, there she is. >> Hello, nia. >> This is my mom, gina. She made you some spanakopita. >> Oh, that's so nice. Thank you. [ Laughter ] >> oh, and this is my nona, angie. >> Oh, that's so nice. Hi. [ Laughter ] >> and this is their friend, villa voukedis. >> Oh, that's great! Greek cookies for everybody. [ Laughter ] >> nia! >> Hi. >> Nia! >> Hi. [ Applause ] >> oh, nia, you're so skinny. Eat something. Come on. Eat, come on. [ Laughter ] >> hey, who are they? >> Oh, these are my cousins. >> Hi. [ All speaking at once ] >> no, that's great. [ Laughter ] >> hey. >> Wait, wait, wait. Tina, you know i'm married, right? >> He really needs a green card. >> I got a cousin for him. [ Speaking in greek ] >> ha, i get married. We dance! >> All right, this is kind of like my church basement. We've got a great show. Eve -- [ speaking greek ] [ cheers and applause ] who wants a cookie? Who wants a cookie? [ Cheers and applause ] >>> kids, it's time to put on your jammies. >> What? >> I mean your swiffer sleepers! >> Who said sweeping floors can't be fun? >> Yay! >> Are you guys ready? >> Yay! A dustin' and a slidin' on the floor you're ridin' here comes swiffer sleepers [ kids laughing ] >> swiffer sleepers -- the crawl-around, roll-around dust picker-upper. >> Emily? >> Ya-a-ay! A bobbin' and a wheezin' cleanin' and a sneezin' here comes swiffer sleepers >> this is your ticket to slide. Swiffer sleepers -- make cleaning floors a family affair. Here comes swiffer sleepers >> not recommended for children with allergies. [ Cheers and applause ] >> you look like you had a thumbs-down day. >> Well, let's see -- I hate my job. My friend totaled my car. And I just found out that the guy I've been flirting with on the internet is a 60-year-old woman named lou. [ Light laughter ] >> oh, major bummer. [ Light laughter ] >> i'm getting a nice buzz off this sake, though. I think I'll have another sake. [ Laughter ] >> sake? I'm suki. >> And i'm terry. >> And we're the yaki brothers. >> Terryaki. >> And sukiyaki. [ Laughter ] >> i kind of want to be alone tonight. >> Well, if you're alone, then we'd like to approve that loan. Approved. [ Laughter ] >> i got to warn you, though. This loan's got high interest -- in you. >> Would you like something to start? >> Yeah, a relationship with this lady. [ Laughter ] >> me, too. Make it extra spicy. >> I bring you a mummy. >> Waa, waa, i want my other mommy. [ Light laughter ] >> i'd like some miso soup 'cause me so hungry. [ Laughter ] >> me so lonely. >> Me so want you guys to sit somewhere else. >> How about your lap? [ Laughter ] >> how about your bathtub? >> How about the back of a police cruiser? >> Both: Hi-yo! [ Laughter ] >> i hope they got a poo-poo platter because I got to kind of shitake. [ Laughter ] >> hmm, I think I'll have the shrimp roll. Oh, cancel that, already got one in my pants. [ Laughter ] >> well, this yellowtail is good. >> Any tail is good. [ Laughter ] >> many tail is better. >> Who are you guys? >> Well, i'm kip bloater. This is my brother, wayne. >> And we are the bloater brothers. >> We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators. >> Now we model nude for "playgirl" and "hunk." [ Laughter ] >> "playgirl" and "hunk" are the names of our parakeets. [ Laughter ] >> somebody call the humane society. [ Laughing ] >> ouch, that's good. >> I'm anita. >> And we're a-needy. >> Of a warm body. >> Because we're 40. >> I make you a special bento box. >> Oh, hey, this box is bento. >> Yeah, we want one that's straight-O. >> You guys are lame-o. [ Laughter ] >> hey, wayne -- wasabi! [ Laughter ] >> hey, kid -- wasabi! >> Hey, hey, guys, what's wrong with you? [ Laughing ] can I ask you guys something honestly? What do guys look for in a woman? >> Well, i'm pretty picky. I look for pity and a heartbeat. [ Laughter ] >> i look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father. [ Laughter ] >> you guys are a riot. Do you like to party? >> Well, if partying means dressing up like r2-d2 and one of the mario brothers and driving around a minivan and honking the horn, then we indeed party. [ Laughter ] >> if partying means short cheating our parents' bed, then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then, yeah, we party. >> How about coming over to my apartment and helping me finish off a bottle of russian vodka? >> Ooh, where-ski? >> And when-ski? >> How about now-ski? >> Both: Uh-oh-ski. >> Like, i know I'm wearing sake goggles right now, but you guys are so weird, you're cute. Let's go home, and let our bodies do the talking. >> What's that, body? [ In high-pitched voice ] I'm scared. Please don't let her see my enormous areolas. [ Laughter ] [ in high-pitched voice ] >> please don't let her see the stretch marks on your floppy man-breasts. [ Laughter ] >> okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream. >> Ice cream. >> You scream. >> You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas. >> I have seen them. [ Laughter ] >> yeah, you guys are obviously not into this, and, I mean, I'm drunk, but i don't think i'm drunk enough to have sex with two chia pets. >> Both: Hi-yo! Bye-yo! >> Here you go, guys. >>T'hat's th? >> This is called unagi, 'cause "ooh" not getting any tonight. >> Both: Hi-yo! [ Cheers and applause ] oa7g >>> >>> this is a cbs news special report. From new york, here's dan rather. >> Good evening. Breaking news in our coverage of election 2002. The results are in, and the democrats are shut out harder than a nancy boy at a texas cathouse. [ Laughter ] but cbs news aims to give you the most complete coverage. With that in mind, we go now live to stephen douglas high school in lakewood, illinois, and our cbs news correspondent, steven carr. >> Well, dan, I'm standing here in the cafeteria, and amidst the aroma of salisbury steak and day-old tater tots, there is another distinct smell -- the smell of change. Let's take a look at this graphic. In this, one of the most hotly contested student council races that this state has seen in years, all five council seats have been swept by nerds. [ Laughter ] defeating the cool kids in what had been a cool kid hotbed for upwards of 40 years. >> Well, grab me by my ankles, dunk my head in the toilet and give me a swir. [ Laughter ] steven, how did this happen? >> Well, let's take a quick run through the ceras. Secretary was a shocker. Here was a case where a very nerdy girl, erica "square" faust, beat a very slutty girl, noelle laforge. [ Laughter ] >> wow. One usually expects a vote like this to go to the slutty girl. [ Light laughter ] >> one usually does, dan. It was a tough week for sluts. [ Laughter ] with treasurer, it was a case of the candidates having similar names. Jock cool guy john thompson ran against huge nerd tom johnson. Also, their campaign posters were almost identical, both choosing to put pictures of their heads in money. >> Shades of nixon-mcgovern 1972, positively eerie. [ Laughter ] >> our exit polling shows that a lot of the stoners and dumb kids may have been confused. [ Laughter ] whatever the reason may be, tom johnson, nerd, finds himself heading to the renovated storage closet that is the student council office. >> Well, that leaves the big one. Let's cut the rest of the lunch line, because they're running out of sloppy joes, and I don't have a free period. [ Laughter ] steven, something's heating up here, and it's not the stack of porno the weird janitor keeps in the boiler room. [ Laughter ] >> that's right, dan. The -- [ laughter ] -- student council president. This year we had three candidates, and in a surprise upset, gwendolyn schnur, nerd, stole it from two cool guys, shaun cooper and gordo. [ Laughter ] a classic case of the cool guys splitting the vote. The black cools went with cooper, the white cools with gordo. Meanwhile, being a nerd has always transcended race, and schnur ran a nerd-first campaign to perfection. >> What about last year's president, hard-line cool guy, trip keating? >> Interesting story, dan. Apparently, trip was so cool that he took himself out of the running this year, because student council was -- and these are his words -- totally gay. [ Laughter ] I'm getting word that he's about to make his final address to the student body. Let's take you there now. [ Laughter ] >> i guess they want me to make some stupid speech or somethin'. Whatever. "This is lame." [ Laughter ] hey, douglas high can suck it. [ Laughter ] >> wow. That boy is cooler than sister mary margaret's nipples on a cold winter's morning. [ Laughter ] >> that's right, dan. >> I mean -- I mean -- I mean, I'm not gay, but that boy, whoo. >> That's enough, dan. Come on. [ Laughter ] we're going to take you now back to the gymnatorium, where our winner, gwendolyn schnur, is set to make her acceptance speech. [ Laughter ] >> wow. Wow. >> Looking at the stage, it seems to be a sea of queerbaits, pizza faces, derwins, dillweeds and career masturbators. [ Laughter ] is that what i think it is? >> That's right. It's headgear, dan. Let's hear what she has to say. >> Wow, they said it couldn't be done. They said nerds would never run the school. Well, stephen douglas has a new head of hair, and it is oily! [ Laughter ] [ applause ] for too long, the nerds of this school have been splintered -- the marching band nerds, the newspaper nerds, the "build your own go-kart" nerds.H now, we can move aboutu$hh u$u$u$u$u$u$ the school as one.Ju) but our victory is not just hhhlll a victory for nerds.Yhh we would not be here todayhhh without the supporth of the dorks, the geeks,Hl and of course, the kid who wears hhhh the fedora. Y%y4 y4the fedora [ laughter ] what more to say? What more to say? At a time like this, you just kind of want to say, "neat." >> All: Neat! Neat! Neat! >> I'm floating, guys. I really am. I can hardly feel my back brace. [ Laughter ] [ applause ] see you guys in trig. Oh, look at that. Ow. Ow. Ow, my eye. [ Applause ] ow. [ Laughter ] >> well -- well, there you have it. The voters have spoken, and they have spoken in klingon. [ Laughter ] that's part of our world this evening. For the cbs evening news, dan rather. Good night. [ Chee and applause ] 's changed my life. I've got more energy, < Oh, this is your first time waxing. [ Laughter ] >> no. No, it's not. >> Mm. You wait too long in between. >> Oh, i was here a week ago. >> No. [ Laughter ] who did you? >> I had the other girl. Magda. >> No, no, no. You don't go to magda. She is no good. You come to me. How many fingers you want? >> What? >> How wide the landing strip? You want brazilian? [ Laughter ] >> no, no, no. [ Laughter ] just american is fine. [ Laughter ] >> okay, pleas you put your leg here and other leg here. [ Laughter ] okay. Okay. Okay. [ Scraping sounds ] >> yipe! Aye! Ooh! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Whoo. >> So stubborn. Move legs, now like this. Oh, you have children? >> No, why? [ Laughter ] >> never mind. [ Laughter ] [ scraping sounds ] >> eek! Ooh! Argh! >> Okay, this part's going to hurt a little bit. [ Laughter ] [ scraping sounds ] >> aah! Eek! >> Okay, i go a little more in. >> No, no, no. That's plenty. That's plenty. >> Oh, for your husband, for your husband. >> I don't have a husband. >> I make room for one. [ Laughter ] >> you don't have to go too far. It's not even bathing suit weather or anything. >> Listen, if you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, "ah, that is a crazy person's house." [ Laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and you run away. I don't want you to have a crazy house. [ Laughter ] >> okay. [ Scraping sounds ] eek! Ooh! >> Okay, finished. >> Oh, thank god. >> Turn over. >> What? >> What? I got to do the back. >> No, no, no. Maybe let's just -- let's just skip the back. >> You got a bunny tail rabbit thing back there. [ Laughter ] a little furry rabbit there. Come on, turn over. >> Oh, brother. >> Okay. [ Scraping sounds ] >> ooh! Eek! Yikes! >> It's like i can't even make a dent. [ Laughter ] [ scraping sound ] >> ooh! >> You are hungarian? [ Laughter ] >> no. [ Scraping sound ] >> russian? >> No. [ Scraping sound ] aah! I'm half english, half irish. >> No, no, no, no. [ Laughter ] you ask your mother. She will tell you, you are adopted. [ Laughter ] [ scraping sound ] >> argh! >> No english lady is this hairy. [ Scraping sound ] >> ooh! Are we done yet? >> You pay double, okay? [ Scraping sound ] >> ah! Really? It's that bad? >> Honey, you got robin william's forearms in your panties. [ Laughter ] [ applause ] >> don't say that. >> Don't be embarrassed. [ Scraping sound ] >> ah! >> I fix for you, but it's going to take a long time. Okay, sasquatch? [ Laughter ] [ scraping sound ] >> ooh! [ Cheers and applause ] [ chee(? >>> ladies and gentlemen, eve. [ Cheers and applause ] >> yeah. Come on, you all. Oh, oh, oh. Come on. Come on, you all. I just wanna rock you uh-oh all night long i need you to understand me, daddy i ain't ya average baby girl doin' it, dawg i'm well-established i ain't tryin' to lead ya on just wanna ask if ya might wanna gimme ya name it's on your status ya know i see ya time to time you seem available don't mean nothing i know these chicks wanna settle you gotta say you on mshort list, a few okay them other dudes is okay but I'm feelin' you want you in the best way what you gonna do about it why don't you just test me you won't wanna do without it no, I'm comin' at you hard meetin' a thug and I ain't givin' up till i get that gangsta love come on, yo i just wanna rock you uh-oh all night long come on come on come on want to rock you i just wanna rock you uh-oh, yeah all night long i know you see me this night, that night always i look tight hair done, outfit crazy skirts fit just right wife beater wit' a bangin' tan walk in demandin' all lines daddy, here I am ain't ashamed of my frame and I know you're watchin' puttin' on a show for you, pop and I ain't stoppin' lotta action and ya horny yeah, you doin' it, too only thing to make it better, though, is me wit' you and i know your feelin' that regardless of your frontin' and i heard through the streets it was me you wantin' lemme find out you shy or somethin' but I know you'rnot so stop the games and the 'proches you're really not wrong i just wanna rock you uh-oh all night long come on come on come on i wanna rock you i just wanna rock you all night long okay, numbers exchanged now it's in play shouldn't a took you so long in the first place i'm just playin' cutie yeah, gimme a call no, it's cool you ain't gotta see me to my car see, I'm a big girl but you'll find out stuck for me while I drop top and ride out wheels spinnin' wanna know what shorty all about but it's cool i'm doin' and these words comin' out my mouth it's that gangsta lovin' that just got me buggin' come on come on it's that gangsta lovin' that just got me buggin' come on come on, y'all i just wanna rock you uh-oh all night long come on come on come on i wanna rock you yeah oh, yeah all night long >> "snl," e-v-e -- perfect combination, y'all. [ Cheers and applause ] >> announcer: Tonight's musical guest is brought to >> announcer: Tonight's musical guest is brought to you by michelob light, the beer with a smooth taste and a nice finish. >> Announcer: From studio 8h in rockefeller center, it's "weekend update" with jimmy fallon and tina fey. [ Cheers and applause ] >> hi, how you doing? I'm jimmy fallon. >> I'm tina fey. >>> And here are tonight's top stories -- this week, for the first time in 50 years, republicans have taken control of the house, the senate and the presidency, leaving the democratic party in shambles. It's the end of the clinton/gore era, people. Elvis really has left the building. [ Laughter ] much of the republicans' success was due to president bush, who made campaign appearances in 15 states in 5 days. This is the hardest bush has worked since that time he tried to walk home from mardi gras. [ Laughter ] >>> elizabeth dole claim victory on election day with a big win in the north carolina senate race, defeating democrat erskine bowles. Bowles said he will now focus on his other lifetime goal -- finding a tiny bikee plate that says nekinekinekine." [ Laughter ] >>> former florida secretary of state katherine harris was elected to the house of represent tes tsday.Vovo sai cey ceyhose katherine harris because, "i done seen her on my tv box before. I'm gonna vote for her." [ Light laughter ] >>> jeb -- jeb bush's victory in florida avoided a potential embarrassment for his brother george and the gop, which spent upwards of $30 million on his campaign, most of which appears to have gone towards -- towards snacks. [ Laughter ] I flubbed that one, didn't i? >>> A rare bright spot for the democrats was the victory of 78-year-old former senator frank lautenberg, who stepped in at the last minute for robert torricelli and will now returntotototo t shet ost likely on a jazzy. [ Laughter ] [ cheers ] >>> a new pediatric report says that gastric bypass surgery for obesity, once viewed as suitable only for adults, is emerging as an option for children -- fat, lazy children. [ Laughter ] >>> it was announced this week that red lobster will open a restaurant in times square next year. Finally, just like the old days, you'll be able to go down to times square and get crabs. [ Laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> let's hear it for crabs. [ Laughter ] >>> in a stirring victory for the U.S. Legal system this week in los angeles, prosecutors finally convicted this country's most dangerous criminal. Cwe can all sleep soundly tonight, my fellow americans. We can all sleep soundly tonight. [ Laughter ] >>> singer bobby brown was arrested early thursday in atlanta and chargedwiseosseosssio mof marijuana, eespng, no proof of insurance and no driver's license. He's still got it. [ Laughter and applause ] >>> at a james bond trivia contest held in times square last weekend, "sopranos" star jamie-lynn sigler beat out robert wuhl to win a watch from pierce brosnan. Spectators at the event said, "what the hell are we doing here?" [ Laughter ] >>> this week, the spacecraft "galileo" ended its 13-year mission, and nasa has decided to crash the unmanned ship into jupiter for disposal. In the best case scenario, "galileo" will harmlessly burn up while entering jupiter's atmosphere. The worst case scenario -- jupiter will launch a war of terror against earth. [ Laughter ] >>> scientists at the georgia institute of technology have developed a security system that uses sonar to identify people by the way they walk. "Weekend update" has obtained the device, and we are gonna test it out right now. Jimmy, are you ready? >> Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. Okay, we're gonna go see if this device can identify people by the way they walk. Here we go. [ Laughter ] [ beep ] >> yep, george jefferson. That's right. [ Laughter ] try another one. >> Okay. [ Beep ] >> michael stipe. [ Laughter ] exactly right, yeah. >> Okay, let's see if they can get this one. [ Beep ] if they can get this one here. [ Beep ] >> nick nolte. Anna nicole smith, oz yr osbourne. Okay. A little confused on that one, but it's still very good, though. Try one more. >> Okay, let me try this one. [ Beep ] >> what? [ Laughter ] I don't walk like that. This thing's broken. I'm going back to the desk. [ Laughter ] [ beep ] >> tina, i think it seems to be working. It seems fine to me. This is great. [ Beep ] [ laughter ] >>> the cover of "people" magazine this week features a picture of al roker in a pair of his old pants, demonstrating how he lost 100 pounds. I know what al is going through. In the last year, I've gained 400 pounds. [ Laughter ] my pants. >>> The first season of "felicity" is out on dvd this week. Fans who waited online for over 24 hours to buy the dvd didn't really have to, because there were no lines. [ Laughter ] >>> an advertising company in london is using dogs to carry around ads. This makes london the only place in the world where you can see a mcdonald's ad sniffing a wendy's ad's balls. [ Laughter and applause ] >>> this week, nbc bought the bravo network and may start airing reruns of their shows on the cable network. Hopefully, that will include this program, because you just don't see enough "snl" reruns on cable, do you? [ Laughter ] >>> and now joining us is our very own seth myers. >> Hey. [ Cheers and applause ] thank you. Thanks, tina. Well, it's a special night for me. It's my ten-year high school reunion tonight. Obviously, i can't go, and i'm pretty disappointed because I'm on tv now. I have this awesome job, and to be honest, I wasn't that cool in high school. >> Wow, I find that really easy to believe. [ Laughter ] >> well, thank you, tina, but it's true. Anyway, since I can't go, I thought it would be nice if i got a chance to have my half of the conversations i would have had if I'd been there. So here goes. [ Playing "little miss" by the spin doctors ] hey, what's going on, nelson? Henderson, good to see. All right, looking good. Hey, anybody know if megan larocca is comin'? You know her. Superhot, usedo ignore me? All right, cool. Yeah, yeah, no, thanks, man. I'm not drinking tonight. Hey. Hey, man, how's it goin'? Am i still gay? I never was gay. Everybody? Who's everybody? Two amstel lights, please. [ Playing "baby got back" by sir mixalot ] [ light laughter ] hey, well, if it isn't glory boy quarterback doug stradley. Good to see you, man. Yeah, I guess I'm doin' okay. I'm on tv now. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on, ow! I'm not hitting myself. You're making me hit myself. [ Laughter ] I'm not gonna say that. Because I'm 28 years -- I'm a girl! I'm a girl! [ Laughter ] give me a shot of jaeger. Hey, is megan larocca coming or not? What can i say, man? "Snl" is a crazy life. I mean, it's really long hours, and there's so much pressure. What do you do? Brain surgeon? Right, so you know what I'm talking about. [ Light laughter ] I'll take a bottle of chivas with a straw. [ Playing "unbelievable" by emf ] whoo! I love this song! Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, tina fey is amazing. We hang out all the time. [ Laughter ] whoo! All right! Whoo, go blue knights! All right, whoo! Has anyone see megan larocca?! I am trying to hook up with megan larocca because i'm on tv! Hey, get off of me, dude! [ Playing "yesterday" by boyz 2 men ] dad? I need you to pick me up. [ Laughter ] the football team has my shoes, and I have a little bit of throw-up on me. [ Laughter ] yeah, I know "mad tv" is on. I don't know. Tape it. You signed a s.A.D.D. Contract with me. Honor it! Honor the contract! Megan larocca -- I've never stopped thinking about you. Wow, you're as big as a house. [ Laughter ] I'm on tv, and yes, I would love to do it with you. Happy ten-year, west high! >> Seth myers, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] >>> for "weekend update," I'm jimmy fallon. >> I'm tina fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. [ Cheers and applause ] ??e < TV Channel 3 Sun Jan 26 11:22:49 2003 >> hey! Good to see you! How's everybody doing tonight?! [ Cheers and applause ] all right! All right! Good -- [ slurs incoherently ] -- to you all. [ Laughter ] oh, let's see what's in the news, man. >> Okay. >> Oh, boy. Of course, the big news, election -- the big election. -- The new prime minister. You hear about this? >> I hear about it. >> Oh, my god. He win with 34% of the vote, which is a landslide. 34% is a landslide. This country has more parties than p. Diddy! [ Laughter ] >> whoo! >> Thank you, yebet. Yebet farak and the ferey muhtar band, everybody! Give it up. [ Cheers and applause ] all right. Okay, say hello to my main man, pound for pound, the classiest man in show business, mr. Tarik ozekial. [ Cheers and applause ] whoo! Oh, man. Hot show, bro. Hot show. >> Hot show! >> Whoo! >> Big show. >> Tarik, how's it going, my bro-bro? >> Oh, yeah, yeah. >> Nice suit. I didn't know a&p had a men's department. [ Laughter ] oy yoy yoy yoy yoy yoy yoy! Holy moly, tarik, I'm kidding. But seriously, my bro, was that suit a prize in a box of frosted hamakashans? [ Laughter ] yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yo! Wha ta ta! Holy moly. >> Well, your mother gets boned by goats. [ Laughter ] >> what the hell, man? It's called banter, bro. Banter. [ Light laughter ] geez, louise. I just got finished calling you the classiest man in show business. >> I'm sorry, ferey. Things are weird at home, you know? >> Okay. Well, let's forget about it. Let's just bring out our first guest. Oh, she is the hottest actress in turkey. Please welcome the lovely, the beautiful, jacaleechy alaal. [ Cheers and applause ] >> hello. >> So beautiful. >> Sexy. >> Hi, ferey. Thanks for having me. [ Laughter ] >> welcome to the show. Oh, you are super fine tonight, jacaleechy. You're a stone-cold fox. >> Thank you. Whoo. Whoo. Better. >> Better. Much better. Okay, so now you're on this show, "sexy lifeguard ladies." You are so happening. The show is so great. >> Yes, it's great for what is happening for me right now. I got the show, doing great. I got six movies coming out in may. [ Laughter ] I just recorded my first cd, going to drop like june 16th. [ Laughter ] I designed a set of steak knives for kmart. The calendar is to the max. It's great. [ Light laughter ] >> you are so beautiful. >> We have a -- [ laughter ] -- sneak preview of the calendar. And, jacaleechy, my god, you are unbelievable in this thing. Show them the calendar, tarik. Oh, take a gander at this, mo fos. [ Laughter ] holy cow, man, you are one red-hot fox in that thing, baby. >> Thanks. We shot all of this over at the oil refinery in baku. [ Laughter ] I know, tough life, right? My favorite one is hoctober. >> Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ] >> that is the best one. >> Okay, man. Be cool, bro. Take it down. [ Laughter ] it's okay. Just open it up and show them october. >> I cannot show them october. I used it. [ Laughter ] >> oh! Oh, my god. Okay. Well, let's move on. You know, this is a funny story. The other day I was at -- oh, man, this is a hot club. Oh, my god, man. You got three dance floors. Oh, they got steam tables full of eggs, my bro. Ooh, incredible. And I got un-sober, and who do i see? The lovely, beautiful jacaleechy alaal. >> I know. I saw you. That was so fun dancing with you, ferey. We did the hustle for like three hours. >> Oh, yeah, baby. >> Yeah. >> Jacaleechy, i asked you to dance like ten times, but you treat me like I'm some kind of armenian or something. Oh, boy, you and ferey are doing the bop, and i am by myself holding cats. >> Get off my face, okay, toilet face. I'll tell you something. You think I don't notice every time you drop your fallakh, you try and look up my skirt? You think you are drunk. You think when i go to the restroom, i don't notice your shoes in the stall next to me? [ Laughter ] >> okay, okay, okay. >> Oh, no, no, no, no, no. >> Please. Okay, let's cool it down. Let's take it down a notch! >> You have to believe me. I was sober as a kalib. >> Oh! >> Come on, man! Come on! >> I was sober. >> You think i'm some kind of spaceman, bro? [ Laughter ] did I see you buy an rc? And I also see you pull out the goatskin full of rachi, and you put the rachi in your seat, and you make rachi in our seats, and you drink it. You think I don't have eyes? >> Ferey, I swear to you on my mother's grave, I have stopped the drinking. Never -- i will never take the goatskin with me. Never. >> Cut the bull jive, bro! >> You're yelling at me. >> Brother, you got the goatskin in your jacket right as we speak! >> My man -- >> okay. >> Oh. [ Laughter ] >> okay. >> You are so busted. You are so busted. >> Totally busted. Totally. >> Oh, my god, man. You are so busted. You got to lay off the hard stuff, mister! Oh, no, I can't believe it. That music. This is not good time, dynamite. You can't jive the bull jive. It's time to stop the show. We are out of time. I want to thank my guest -- jacaleechy alaal. >> My pleasure! >> And tarik ozekial. This is ferey muhtar saying good night. >> Good night. [ Cheers and applause ] [ applause ] #h## #?? >>> in 1992, ken mortimer was an advertising executive in baltimore, maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as "the falconer." >> Donald, we're starving to death. This land that once filled us with life is now barren. One of us must search elsewhere, and only one of us can fly. [ Bird squawks ] no, donald, you! Oh, donald, even in these desperate times, you still retain that dry sense of humor. Now you must fly away from these woods and bring back something -- a possum, a squirrel, anything to keep us alive. So be gone, my friend! Bring us life. Bring us life! [ Bird squawks ] >> ah, mr. Falcon, it's so good to see you. Your usual table? >> It's an '82 rothschild. [ Bird squawks ] yes, it's our finest burgundy. [ Laughter ] for dessert, cherries jubilee. [ Bird squawks frantically ] >> sorry, sir. Sorry. For dessert, cherries jubilee. [ Bird squawks frantically ] >> sorry, sir. Sorry. A 100% tip? Thank you, mr. Falcon. You're too generous. [ Cell phone rings ] [ bird squawks ] >> i heard you were in town. Why don't you come by and say hello? [ Bird squawks ] [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah. [ Bird squawks ] oh. Oh, yeah. That was amazing. [ Bird squawks ] so soon? Why don't you ever stay for breakfast? Damn you, falcon! [ Laughter ] [ bird squawks ] [ bird squawks ] >> oh, donald, i knew I could count on you. We shall split this in half and eat as if it were our feast, and we two mighty kings. [ Bird squawks ] what? The whole thing for me? [ Laughter ] [ bird squawks ] even the head? Oh, you are a true friend. Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the falcon, and I will remain -- >> "the falconer"! [ Applause ] >>> you look stressed, sister moon. You need shopping therapy. Pier 1! I feel the vibe already. >> Ow, watch it. >>Ere, smell this candle. Smell it! >> Hello, police, I've been kidnapped by that woman from "cheers." No, the second one. I'm at the crabtree valley mall. >> Kirstie alley is no longer an employee of pier 1 international. [ Hums ] >> let me go, please. I'm going to scream. >> If kirstie alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle and offers to take you to a pier 1 store, do not go with her. >> Relax, it's like we're in a meadow, but we're not. >> If you are confronted by kirstie alley, speak in quiet tones and do not look directly into her eyes. >> Pier 1. >> Only you can protect yourself from kirstie alley. >> I'm in a meadow. I really am. [ Hums ] >> paid for by pier 1 international and the kirstie alley prevention task force. [ Applause ] >>> having a hard time fitting into your high school prom dress? Need to squeeze into your college marching band pants just one more time? Then you need the hottest new exercise video on the market -- "dropping the lbs with missy e," starring missy elliott. >> He, he, he, he, haw! He, he, he, he, haw! Are you thick, thick, thick, and want to slim down to just thick? 'Cause lord knows I was. I was tired of taking off my thongs and watching my ass go -- [ speaking gibberish ] [ laughter ] so me, missy e, and timberland produced these exercise videos to help y'all drop the lbs. >> Combining her off-the-hook dance moves and physically impossible computer-generated stretches, missy helps you burn the fat and trim yo' waist. Your weight fluctuates like a roller coaster stick with me missy e and i'll turn your ta-tas ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta ta-ta-ta-ta-ta listen to my home girls >> i love this exercise video. It is so challenging. Now, i still can't do the part where her neck stretches out like chewing gum and hoop-de-hoops through her leg several times. But just kind of bopping my head makes my heart rate skyrocket, and I have lost two pounds of neck fat. Thanks, missy elliott. Want to look like halle berry in a nice poster then start losing weight with me tomorrow blah, blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah starting to sweat need a glass of water [ laughter ] >> i love missy's workout, and it requires no fancy equipment, no expensive gym membership, just the natural ability to get your freak on, which I do not have. But I lost 20 pounds trying. Missy e, your workout is over! You be dropping pounds that's what make a sound stomach muscle bound hootie burn around ladies >> i lost over 14 pounds. I felt so good about myself, I went out and got my nails done, got a pedicure, got my her did. [ Laughter ] I highly recommend this exercise video. Holla back, y'all. [ Laughter ] >> take it from me, missy E. I reached my goal. So can you. Just listen to what my doctor has to say. >> Hi, i'm dr. Simone. It has been clinically proven that if you lose weight, more people will want to have sex with you. So get in bed with your old man and go half on that baby. >> Go half on that baby. Do your exercise watch your portion try to stay slim just like a martian >> "dropping the lbs with missy e." $29.95 for the videotape. >> C.O.D. For an extra $4! [ Cheers and applause ] to shoot from deep, joins the paratroopers club and may have gotten away with a bit <