Kevin moonnnn
dadadaaaa
how are youuuuu <33333
it's been a min ^^' all for good things i've been away.
God has been doing a lot of work in my heart the past week or so.
BECAUSE GUESSS WHATTTTT NEXT WEEK IS MY LAST WEEK @ THE TURMOILOUS JOB THAT THOUGHT WOULD BREAK ME BUT OH NO NO !! ( PLAYS BREAK MY SOUL ON LOP FOR THE NEXT 7 DAYS!!!) Though it was genuinely a terribe time, God redeems all things and used the past year even as satan wanted to break me. I grew a lot, in my faith in Him, confidence in myself, understand of my worth, and ability to stick up for myself. Even if tomorrow i'm in a pit of sadness it doesn't diminish all the hard work done in therapy and with God and alone. Constantly showing up when I didn't wanted to see the next minute. I don't write this to beautify all the pain and heartache, bc that would be disrespectful to past me who was hurting. It was real and hard and extremely painful. I can acknowledge that and acknowledge that flowers bloomed from those rainy days.
Here's a cool God moment. So the doctor that owns the practice found out about the mistreatment that was going on bc we were venting at the nurse's station and she had no idea (this place is really big on chain of command so there's two ppl under her that are entrusted to ensure everything goes smoothly, but also we were all scared to say something in fear of retaliationn and work becoming even more terrible) and she asked for feedback and said to send her a message of all our ideas so we don't feel burnt out, we feel heard and vauled. Funny thing is when we were talking about no getting the 40hrs a week we were told would be a guarentee , the nurse manager came out to silence us. tho she didn't say to stop talking directly, she started tell us "why are you eating in front of the doctor?" " don't you have a patient here" and the doctor noticed and told us we would talk in private later. That was about a week and half ago. So this past week the nurse manager and office manager were both on vacation BRO I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE RELAXED MY SHOULDERS WEREN'T EARRINGS!!!! and the doctor brought in the department chair over all peds office to come in and for us to share with her our concerns about the mistreatment. she said she wanted to make sure they weren't there so could talk freely. DUUUDDEEEEEEE honestly at first I thought it was a set up. but no. Each person took an hour or more with her. Just talking. and venting. honestly i went last bc ya girl cries and I used to think crying was my weakness but, seeing tbz be moved to tears from the b and their passion, i realize crying is good. Okay so it's my turn and she was liile " i wanna couple this and your exit interview" bro balls to wall I shared EVERYTHING. now, i def started crying after she said " i won't ask any questions, whatever you wanna say i'm here to listen." SHHHIIIIIIIII YA GIRL LOST ITTTTTTTTTTT. SHE WAS BOOHOOOINNNGGGG. All I wanted for the past year was to be heard. I spoke up, spoke out, stood for what I thought was the right thing, my passion to be a doctor was celelbrated when hired but my light was constantly being told to dim down, and I felt like I was walking around withh a target on my back. it got to the point i couldn't poop at work ㅠㅠ bc i was so anxious!. I shared how i felt mistreated and that I was pushed to this point to leave. I told her how I even asked HR for advice but I was too scared to do anything bc I thought the only thing that would come of it would be even more mistreatment. which, is bad. she loved all the ideas I gave her and said they were valid. I told her my mental health was not valued and that " oh you gotta hold your mental breakdown until friday after 5 bc we don't have coverage" that I wasn't treated as a human in a field where humanity is the focus. not numbers, stats, results. i shared how my peformance rating (which the higher you get the greater the raise you get) was not reflective of my performance. ( okay backstory,a year ago I was a CMA student and had only been there a month so she didn't have any encounters to go off of when writting the review for 2022. fast forward to a year later I get the same rating. no justification as to why, in fact she had even more praise to provide about me but didn't change the number. but when I address the rating I was challenged with why I believed I deserved higher, so i provided evidence. ultimately it was bc i hadn't been there a year. but i got certified 6mo ago, and was hired as a student! so in no way would I have been a year of experience at the time of evaluation to even be considered for a rating that I rightlfully proved in a six month period. knowing your worth changes things. never forget kevin. then she threw it in my face that I was leaving so i probs won't get higher next time either bc i keep hoping around 😂 THE AUDACITY but it's bc they gotta do extra work if they say i deserve a 4 and they wouldn't do that) ultimately it was a full circle moment that I never thought would come. being in the same office and finally being heard. nothing is wasted.
I will also be playing this the next week when I feel let down. I've also been reading more and not really on my phone and I feel like that has helped my mental state. Currently listening to assassin's blade on audio when I drive, but also reading the physical copy. In terms of scripture i've been reading psalms (makes me feel better about my dark thoughts that I feel are dramatic ^^') and I'm reading through the new testament. which funny thing you know how sunwoo is always like "sunwoo of tomorrow will worry about it" IT'S A THING!! LIKE IN DA SCRIPTURE. Matthew 6:34. THE WOMAN WAS TOO STUNNED TO SPEAK. but as someone who is a worrier and super anxious vs 25-34 is really comforting. health anxiety is real. brain always go brr like a chainsaw with thoughts. okay wow this is really long already (everyone act stunned as if this is offbrand for her)
i'm really proud of you. your love, light, :3 smile, art, voice, heart, humor, and insane tan line changes everything. for so many ppl. you brighten this world. both verbal and non verbal. i know there is more you want to say, but right here all that needs to be said we hear. tell 어문이 i said hii and I hope you get to taste every country's food/drinks and sightsee to your hearts content while singing and producing anything and everything at your own pace of creativity.
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