kevin mooonn
dadadaaaa
hiii
i miss u
tonight is a full moon💓💓 * but every night i'm talkin to the moooOOoOoOoOnnn tryna get to yoooOooUuuuuuu in hopes youre on the other side talking to me toooo * i did find myself talking to the moon and wondering if u were okay and what u were probably up to. The moon is so bright in a cloudless sky. Sometimes it feels closer than it should be and if I stretched just enough i could hold it in my hands. Those days make seeing/meeting the boyz more of a potential reality than a far off dream.
I love u. this cb is so fun? so filled with hope and potential. I think since the last cb youve seen moments u thought were apart of ur wildest dream and spoke with people about topics helensh. I do think it has changed/shaped you. In the best way. You are kinder, and tender towards dubby. I can see the genuine appreciation in ur eyes as they look at you. Your smile reaches ur eyes and down to your soul. Meeting your favs irl can hurt bc we realize their human, but often it opens our eyes to see that we are that exact ray of sunshine after the darkest dawn for those around us. Every concert and event has humbled u in a way that genuinely makes us love you more. You are that for us. For me. So we show up to work; although we want to lay in bed from the paralyzing anxiety and depression. We speak up for ourself; thought it may be easier to smile and nod. We play/mention the boyz as often as drinking water everywhere we go. We may feel lonely at times, but then ray of sunshine catches our attention and we're able to fight for one more day.
For the longest my sole motivation to keep going was to see tbz on tour again. and when it felt like that was so far away i almost gave up. i'm grateful for the upcoming tour. it feels like the past two years have been not just a fight but a war. One against myself, my thoughts, growing pains and alternate realities that could occur from the 'what if' against my family to protect what is as saturated in my mind as sand in the ocean. against idealism of friendships/ family. being present in the here. and now. i don't think words could ever encompass or articulate the past teo year, but we have these letters as a time capsule. my youth.
i think i initially became drawn to kpop bc it seemed you would never be alone if you were in a group with the same love and passion inside each member. I've dealth with deep loneliness and sadness for as long as I can remember. never truly feeling at "home" anywhere nor with anyone. as far back as first grade (?) So the idea of others having a group of ppl sround 24/7 initially sparked jealousy. i thought if i had ppl around me 24/7 i wouldn't be a sad person. a crowd of people or a room of just two, it will magnify what is deep within. but then tbz came along. and it felt like what I wanted so badly, was present amongst the members. not perfection, but family and a place to mess up and grow together. and it felt like quialities i loathed about myself could be seen amongst the members. To watch dubby shower love and adoration on these very qualities I wish were absent, created the journey of acceptance and love . ( ew i'm crying ugh) that I have the capacity to be loved fully for all that i am, not just what i present to be. So as i learned and began to love the members; I began to learn about myself. To question what i always deemed true about my looks, my melanin, my hair, my hobbies, my quirkness, the abilty to love and serve others like a crashing wave on the shore; absent of hesitation. I wouldn't say I love myself atm or even like myself, but the days in which i wanna wake up and be met by the sun, a notification from tbz, a new video or live are becoming frequent.
so thank you. which feels so cheap and elementary to describe the depth of gratittude in my heart.
omg this is way to long and probs the most vunerable i've been.
i really really really love these songs and this comeback
xoxoxo
bukky