binnie!
hi hi! how are you? I hope you're well. I'm actually gonna bring a really rare occurance to the table (no, sadly I'm not going to not mention hospital for once) BUT I have a relatively happy letter today ^♡^ so buckle up because holy crap so much has happened.
firstly (let's get this out the way) something really scary happened last week!! I got up and walked over to my mom's room, and while doing so, my entire left side just went 🤨 how do we work again? so I flopped to the floor and had to drag myself across said floor to change my clothes because in the process of my left side going numb and limp, my hand started spasming and my drink. went. EVERYWHERE. its kinda funny to look back at (if you ignore the potential mini stroke) but god it was terrifying. anyways I went to the doctors Monday morning and she was like :/ yeah no this isn't good, to a&e you go.
so I went to a&e (my second home at this fckin rate) (I didnt swear, I said frickin) and they got me a CT stan within a few hours, but the doctor said even though its clear he really wanted me to get an MRI. now. in the UK, our healthcare is, excuse my French, absolute shit. I went to a psychotherapy assessment the other day that I had been referred to two years ago. TWO WHOLE YEARS. And yeah some scans take a long time to get, but they're really worried about my body rn, so it took 6 days...even my parents were worried, in their entire lifetime theyve never known anyone get an MRI so quickly.
So I went in, and it was about an hour and a bit to scan my head, neck, and spine (they used fancy words and I only remember lumbar so. you get the simplified version) and before I knew it I had made it the entire hour and a bit without having to come out or start again! I would like to thank the continuous loop of trying to sing Thrill Ride in my head, getting distracted by the machine noises, and then going back to Thrill Ride (I even took Phantasy with me, but they couldn't play it T^T no cd player there, just a radio). but I was okay with that! the machine sounded like rave/edm at one point so I pretended i was in a rave...at 9am. it happens somewhere I guess.
So even though it was a little scary, its really hopeful that they're really trying to look into whats going on with me, which is why I put it in my happy letter- we may actually be getting somewhere T^T
Okay okay now the best part of the letter!!
its been a month now since annie broke up with me, and things have been getting progressively easier. dont get me wrong, I still get little twinges of sadness, but I'm trying not to hone in on them.
actually...this comeback was already a huge comfort for me, having gone through multiple forms of loss in such a short time, but watching the interviews and hearing about how this song brings this era to an end which is sad, but is opening up for the next new exciting era- thats a really hopeful thing I'm stuck to rn. Its like yes this is the end of this specific era, but there's a brand new era around the corner waiting to happen! So, as one would expect, im applying that to this breakup. This album hits hard in like...the acceptance that what has gone, has gone. But the best part is when a chapter closes (unless its the end of a book obviously) a new one will come! and I'm only 24, so I have many many chapters ahead of me.
That being said...I went on a date last night :>
When I say I was nervous oh my god I was NERVOUS. I had only been speaking to this girl for a couple weeks (we actually matched the day after I sent you that letter where I matched with my friend) and we had never met before, so I didnt know if she would match her picture, what she sounded like, if we were compatible in any way. But she mentioned having never tried korean food and I was like holy shit??? we gotta go, and she said okay...SO A DATE WAS MADE !!!
But even though the reservation was at 5:15, you can bet your ass I still spent ALL DAY getting ready. like no joke my hair, makeup, and outfit took over 5 hours because I wanted it to be perfect. You know how :| i am about showing my face to people...but you get "ult bias privileges" though so I guesssssss i can show you.
so then I finally arrive and I'm sat in the korean bbq place like
nervously checking the door to see when she walks in. she was late because of traffic but I didnt mind because it meant I had time to calm down a little. BUT THEN- This girl walks in sees me and waves and I'm like...no way.
theres no-
Holy crap.
*intense gay panic kicks in*
kev. kevin. binnie. kevin moon of the boyz, my guy- SHES GORGEOUS??!?!?!?!?!?
Like I saw her on the dating app and she was verified so her face was hers, BUT SHES EVEN PRETTIER IN REAL LIFE LIKE HELLO???
I was awkward as hell at first and had no idea what to talk about, but we struck up a conversation and I just kept getting these little flutters in my chest and had to hold back saying she was pretty out loud. And then from that point there was just so much giggling and joking around. Its actually crazy how much fun I had, AND I was able to actually eat and didn't feel sick???? which I'm so grateful for omg.
But yeah, so we talked a LOT like we sat and ate at the bbq table for 2 hours (not straight lmao) so I got to learn so much about her! Her name is Shay, she's 27, her birthday is in May, she works for CAT (the construction equipment!), she's about a 40 min drive from me, she lived in America for 19 years but she's actually from Brighton so she has the most adorable American accent, she HATES mushrooms unless they're the ones that can be passed off as a steak, her favourite fruit is coconut, she loves anime and gaming (she's a fortnite girlie, I feel you would approve), she likes a bit of kpop but not a huge amount, she's seen lady gaga and paramore live, and she had 2 guinea pigs but can only remember the name of one. its Oreo 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
She ended up loving everything! She really loved the kimchi, and kept referring to 잡채 as jellyfish noodles, but overall she had a great time and we ended up getting the leftovers to go. She poured the whole bowl of honey butter chips in the takeout box though...the bag did NOT survive. it was so sticky >.< but its fine it all got cleaned up and the bag got thrown away so its all good.
but then the bill comes over, and the waitress was like "together or separate?" and she goes "ah, together please" AND PAID???? Like I know that's an etiquette thing BUT I WAS GONNA PAY. I felt so bad holy-
So we got the food and headed out, but she noticed this little Asian supermarket across the way was open, and I love the drinks there so I took her and was showing her around. We literally spent 10 minutes or so while she gasped and got excited over everything from mogu mogu drinks to 불닭. It was really cute ;-; We ended up buying some things in the end because she suggested if we get a bag, we can put the takeout boxes in there (genius move), so I got a peach drink, and she got not one but TWO redbulls that was like...one was a small gold can with kanji on it, and the other was normal redbull, and then these strawberry biscuit cone things? no idea what they were, but she wanted them because they had a cartoon whale, so she got them.
It was raining pretty bad atp so she asked if I needed to get to a stop or if I was being picked up, and when I said ill get the bus she offered to take me home 🥺 So, not wanting to get soaked, I agreed. But oh my god she somehow parked so far out I didn't even think it was possible to park so far 🤣 But it was nice because we just talked the whole time and I told her a bit about coventry (she's from Leicester so she didn't know anything about the buildings or our history).
We finally made it to the car, and she goes to pull out and just stops. cups her hands to the roof of the car. and looks at me like "Uh. what are you like with spiders" and I'm like "not amazing but they're fine ig" and shes evidently trying to keep her cool but there is a HUGE wolf spider crawling in her hand and we just look at her hands, look at each other, look back at her hands, and then she chucked it out the door. But omg it was...it was a big boy. a chunky one too not even a little guy.
But yeah crisis averted, we get to mine and we just chill in her car for a while and talk about things. It was all sorts to do with surgeries she had, the time she got attacked by wasps, and she asked about my art (so I got to talk about you. again. you came up like...3 times djrhsjhdjs). But she's genuinely so lovely. I felt so bad because all I did was help cook the meat and teach her about how to eat certain Korean dishes since she was new to this (unlike my Korean-food-obsessed-ass who has frequented that restaurant for the past 6 years), but she paid for everything, sheltered me with an umbrella, drove me back, made sure I was okay and safe, opened the car door for me, didnt care about my walking stick or any of my health related things, and genuinely listened to everything I was talking about...I've never experienced this like...ever????? So it was such a shock to the system, but I genuinely felt so warm and safe with her. She's so easy to get along with and just....aaaaaaa!!! kevin!!! I can't tell you how cute she is in words alone they just don't do her justice T^T
We are planning another date soon though! Hopefully Birmingham, and hopefully the cat cafe (it can't get gayer than two lesbians having a day out in Birmingham going to anime and kpop stores and eating at a cat cafe) I'm so excited though, I can't wait to spend time with her again ;-;
If you made it this far, again I want to say that you have made this entire breakup period and the bit just before that so much easier to handle in a healthy way. I've either been putting my energy into vent art, or listening to your music as usual, but it has genuinely helped take so much of that initial *everything* away, and I've been dealing with this breakup in the healthiest way I think I ever have. I've been eating and keeping myself safe, using music as a distraction instead of listening to bad thoughts, and working on...things >.> to keep my hands working.
But...yeah :> I'm really happy binnie, it went so well I could cry. actually I kinda did last night. but it was happy tears!!
I'll leave it on this high note with a happy lil photo of me after I got back (and before I took my makeup off again) I never smile in photos, so that's how you can tell I'm genuinely over the moon 🥺
Thank you for being by my side even if not physically, as always. Ulting you out of every bias I've ever had is something I have never regretted, and never will.
ilytt🌙ab
leaf 🌱
p.s. I got some mail the other week and forgot to tell you! Sarah (cherry emoji not sound of music Sarah) was insane once again and sent me SO MANY kevin pcs and postcards. She's actually a doll and I love her sm...like...what did I do to deserve all these amazing friends? I'm so happy you two got to meet again this era (although, you met other Sarah again too right? or am I remembering wrong) Oh, and Keopi!! Theyve been non stop gushing about your video call. it makes me so genuinely happy to see how much you care for every single fan you talk to ;-; I really hope I can too, soon. But for now, here's to ✨manifesting✨ for all my friends
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