dear kevin,
back with the infamous devastated princess fairytale storyteIler, me!◡̈
my dearest, it’s been a while since i bought up this topic: grief. i promise i won’t talk about this anymore in the future except the time his birthday (january) and passed away (april) approach us. like i have told someone, i need one-two day to just grieving and remembering.
yesterday is the day. yesterday is one year when my cat ‘Moon’ passed away. i remember vividly when i found the news. until now, even the year have passed, but i just couldn’t. i though i’ve moved on. turns out the wound is still fresher than i thought. i thought i could remember him without crying and in pain, but i guess not. this time it’s like someone squeezing my heart harder than usual days. i thought it’ll get better. but i guess not.
maybe because i have a very close connection with him. he have been a constant for a years. it’s different. like we went through a lot of grief but the closest one is something different than usual. how to describe it;; i would like to describe it as the circle of grief (i totally made up this in my head but i think we all know what i’m talking abt). griefs over stranger, acquaintance, friend, and best friend-significant other-family is something different.
when we grief for stranger, we did it as empathy, when we grief for acquaintance, we would bother it a bit as they involved in our life bits of bits, more than bits when we applied this for our friend. then we entered the core of circle; someone who involved a lot on our life, in form of best friend, family, or significant other (could be idol we’ve been hold close to heart, lovers, or anything else). yes, people whom grief as a stranger, an acquaintances, a mere friend won’t be same like the one in the core circle.
and maybe, some people won’t comprehend the way i grief twice a year for this. won’t comprehend the idea of me taking a break. won’t considering whatever i’ve been through. but i don’t mind. my friend have been supportive to me to taking a break for those specific days. so i do. i did.
tbh my work hates me if i took a paid leave for this. so i didn’t. but it’s good though, to immersive myself in grief while doing something. it makes my brain works more better and makes me learn more acceptance on it.
so yesterday, like what i did on last 26th january, i turn off all the notifications and going offline. the online i did is only working and listening to music. it kinda feels peaceful not gonna lie. eventhough i ended up crying all day😂 i had a meeting with auditor teams and they keep asking me if i’m okay because of my bloated eyes. tbh felt grateful that i also been sick since thursday (sore throat and flu yada yada), so they think i haven’t recovered, so they only ask if i’m okay bc of the sickness lol.
but then, when the lunch break came, and i found myself on my gallery and read one-by-one letters for him last year. him, the reason why i am taking social media rest for this specific day. then i realized, a lot people expressed their regret so much that they can’t express their love to him, and i think also same. i also think i can’t express my love much to him, to you, to people around me. and the thought of it make my mind in turmoil.
to think, loving people around me wordless, with my action, with my touch, with my bicker, is something i’ve been doing all of this time. but to realize, that sometimes i rarely said i love you to people that have been with me until now. i suppressed the thought a while, a side, to focus more to my work but my brain just.. refuses. you know those times when you just can’t refuse because those thoughts bugging you, right?
so instead resuming my analysis on the strategy for next project, i write a few letter for my friend. i sent them from imessage, something accessible from my ipad (because i’m away from the phone, of course).
i said countless ‘i love you’s, and i felt so much better after sent them. i didn’t need any i love you back from them, i just want to expressing my love, my fondness. but because again, i was too used to loving people wordless, it’s very awkward for expressing my fondness to everyone. but i think: i have to say i love you more to all people around me. i have to express more.
so another reason why i wrote this exactly after i went online again.
kevin, i love you, aku sayang kamu, 사랑한다, 愛してる, 我爱你, je t’aime. i always said the love phrase even can’t describe how i love you. but this time, i want to spell one by one, love phrases for you. to remind both you and me, that i love you and i need to express it more. before it’s too late.
i love you, i love you, i love you, always do.
lol writing this kinda makes me crying again.
so to lighten the mood of this letter! i will attach some of my favorite responses from people because tbh the way i sent them letter is so sudden and everyone knows i’m kinda offline yesterday.
also i tried to make a caramel..? like it’s just me and my random brain after work lol it turned okay but i feel it’s too grainy. i think the sugar crystallized because i kept stirring them. i will try tweak some more to perfected it. i still have the pancake batter.
this also had a funny episode. my mom accidentally blow up the mixer a week ago😂 i usually makes japanese souffle pancake and bc of that, i can’t. i’m not gonna whip the meringue by my hands only💀 so i switch the recipe to the classic american pancake. and after researching, i just realized this is why they’re so fluffy but more hold structure than airy souffle one?!!! they added a bunch of baking powder and baking sode, there is no way they won’t be fluffy then😭 but as long as it’s good, i don’t mind. lol.
and yeah, that’s it for today! as usual i’ll end this with 오노추, a.k.a my song recommendation: twlv 트웰브 ft. jiselle 지셀 — 짝꿍 youth, and jinjin 진진 ft. moonbin 문빈 — fly!
just last letter i said i’d take a break from recommending missy for a while but here we are HAHAHAH. it just released two days ago. and as always missy never fails. also yes twlv! i also adore him so much. i’ve been hearing about him for a while and i noticed him first during his collaboration with chancellor, babylon, moon sujin, bibi, and jiselle on automatic. then i saw artistock game (yes, the one jogon went it (again) (lol at this point he has phd at mn*t survival shows)) bc jogon and ji suyeon then i found him! and oh! i kinda loves his voice. but i didn’t keep updated on him. then there is. boom. he features missy on his album. automatically added them to my apple music library!😆
and the second song. also just released yesterday. it’s good. i have no more explanation other than good. because if i’m trying to describe more of this i will going to cry a bunch again. and i’ll tell you i love all over again, lol😭
and as usual, i’ll come back later for another letter! don’t forget, to hold hands with me, becoming each other's four leaf clover, and run together, in those flowery roads!🍀
dyva sayang kevin.
yours truly,
dyva🌙
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