dear kevin,
back with the infamous devastated princess fairytale storyteIler, me!◡̈
my dearest sir moon, this letter is still kinda angsty but this time is kinda positive? idk like i don't wanna write anything but my gratitude to you. but it's kinda angsty lol
so it's just.. i kinda get sentimental with how my life turned out. from nothing but a mess, to a life full of something i want to achieve. and it's mostly because of you, sir. it's rough to begin with, as my will to live is kinda disappear in one night and extended to days, weeks, even months. yeah. classic depression. i am still trying to be better, of course, but if we compare it with me before meeting you, it's magically better and faster to be back, at least, minimum, to could be stand by myself.
i've been thinking abt it some time, but the way i engraved your answer on that google form everywhere, like my twitter and my wallpaper.
it definitely grounds me. like i constantly reminded that my existence made a significance, even just a little, for someone else. i really engraved the 'thank you for existing with me' sentence seriously and religiously. like my mindset is try to exist gracefully so you, my sir moon, our kevin moon, didn't feel regret on your own words.
because you know, the manifest should start with our words. something that left from our mouth and mind, and let the universe work wonders. my psychiatrist said i have to go back to meditate and do yoga because my anger issues worsened (lol) so i kinda meditate more these days, and yeah, this is the fruit of them lol. maybe it's also adulting. this year i am turning 22, and i already feel a crisis through my bones lmao. also like idk maybe i am getting my period so i am naturally more sappy past days. nevertheless, there has been a significant shift on my brain since my birthday last month (oh, it's an exact month gap! now i am 22 years 1 month old) (i wrote this on 2nd tbh so the time i sent this my age is added by one day).
it's like an enlightment. it's like a wave of a realization. like everytime i saw ur face i close down to broke myself and crumble but because i adored you so much. like i love you so much (platonically!). it's a surge of emotion wave hit me. kinda mellow and sappy shiet, it is, but i dont care. because to think about it, if i didn't found you, there is no me, there is no happy, full dyva today. i found my strength to stand again. i found many great friends, (potential lover), and anything sugar spice and everything nice. like life is good.
maybe because i am extrovert (been retaking those mbti test but i keep get the E), or maybe because it's just how human live, but basking with love from people around me is just enough to keep me alive, and it's because of you, sir moon, of course, because if not because of you, i won't met new good people that love me (and i love them so much too!).
like april 2023 dyva won't believe april 2024 dyva that i will get this enough love.
when we talk about love, realistically, i am the loves hard typically. i go all out. platonically or romantically, all my effort is just for loving someone is beyond. unrealistically, it's my aries way to love. but we are talking realistically, not everyone deserve to be loved hard, right? i believe that so i never loving people as hard as i could. because been there and been always betrayed by those. i love them realistically and restraintly. i love them minimally because i always regretting how i didn't got the same love from people when i love hard and maximally.
sorry for the rambling.
but yeah, like that. so when i found a lot of new friends in deobiland, i restrain myself first. but actually (gra pls don't see this) gra proved those wrong. she is the one who love hard first and make me believe that it's okay to be myself. so i opened myself, and i never regret any bit of it. she introduced me to a lot of people, and i made some best friend along the way. we share most of our inner circles. like my private account grown quickly because of her actually. we shared same view of world, so it's hard to miss. we argue a lot but it's harmless. i could say bickering.
there is sarah웅니, the one who let me know that there is an unlimited space for patiently face the world. we all know i have the worst temperament, anger issues, that even my psychiatrist worry about it. they're used to be better before pandemic because i am regularly meditate, do yoga, even do pilates during those periods. so i found her in my worst brain and emotional intelligence phase and i learn a lot from her. a fun 웅니 to be around. i forever grateful with everything she do with me (she is my #1 source for sourcing my tbz photocards, esp. yours lmao).
tookie웅니, my best yapping partner. our age gap is kinda too wide, that i sometimes consider her as my real 웅니, because she close to my 오빠 age side more. but despite the wide age gap, we are kinda same mind think alike, resulting on how we could yap for hours. the other treating our midnight yapping time as a lullaby podcast considering how often they fall asleep while listening to us lol. she makes me learn to be brave and taking the risk more than i could before.
diqi, our 'apple' (LMAOOOOO). my half. my soulmate. we are same age friends, even he is older by only one month, and i am being the youngest; but come to think abt it, he is way much babied than me (because i am the one who babied him). the real description of whatever grace that god sent. to the point, i wouldn’t mind stick with him in my whole life.
rey웅니, the one who pulled the most random things the most. tbh i didn’t learn anything from her lol but she is fun and good to be around with. i really comfortable with her. then jija (our newest addition the fancafe gang aka she finally started to write something in here too!). my another same age friend. we bicker a lot but i could say i am very grateful with her existence. sometimes bickering with her is relieving my anger issues lol😭😭
and last but not least, our newest addition on our lil groupchat, hepy. can’t say much abt it for now but i am very grateful with her existence. like a fresh addition. my life isn’t really dull these days but she added some more spice on it. also most of my friend like kinuy, michelle, alice, lily, etc. like we couldn’t meet and be friends if it’s not because of you, sir moon.
lol idk i’m just rambling this time just want to pour all of my emotions here. like you played a very big role in my life so i want to describe it in bery wholesome way. you said thank you for existing with you to me but i am the one who needs to say those to you forreal instead. like if we have a chance to met personally, all i wanna do is just to hug you and tells you all this by my mouth, so you’ll know how grateful i am for your existence.
so yeah, that’s it for today! back to the usual, i’ll end this with 오노추, a.k.a my song recommendation: kenshi yonezu — lady! it’s a lively and spring-like song that i got introduced by a friend a while ago.
and as usual, i’ll come back later for another letter! don’t forget, to hold hands with me, becoming each other's four leaf clover, and run together, in those flowery roads!🍀
dyva sayang kevin.
yours truly,
dyva🌙
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