dear kevin,
back with the infamous devastated princess fairytale storyteIler, me!◡̈
my dearest, happy june! i was going to wrote on 1st but i got sick🥲 still not recovered tbh but i can’t sleep (i took a paid leave ystd and sleep for a whole day) so here we are write a bunch of nonsense! but disclaimer i don’t have much things to tell in this letter.
first thing first, it’s june. it’s pride month! if i could looking back at how my world has turned out, i could say there are so many ups and downs. i was born in the middle of a semi-strict religious family, as we all know, typical asian parents—it’s not an unusual sight seeing me in fear to make a decision based on what my heart goes, belong to. my mom always gave us, me and my brother a freedom to live our life, but not in a way she can’t dictate our decisions. my mom does nothing when i decided to ditch natural sciences and went to social sciences instead, out of nowhere in my second year of highschool, after seeing myself can’t bear much of any sciences that time.
but she does something, persuading me to think that, “there are a bunch of lgbtqia+ sinners in there!” as my uni’s faculty, the one i went, is stereotyped like that. which is a useless move—i already consume too much lgbtqia+’s contents in the media, much more, without my mom knowing. that’s a price for being stan tweet for half of my life, ykno, and does made me explore myself more, before stating myself as both pansexual and panromantic. this is a secret that i hide from my family and co-workers though. but i want to come out of the closet in this letter (to feel better for myself).
of course most my friends know about it. i can’t start questioning and exploring my sexuality without them. i met people that encourage me to exploring those in my highschool, and they have been with me until now. my amsterdam friend, my 충주친구, my kumamoto friend, my very first gay friend, and even my ex. they’re the one who really support me to be who i am.
they’re the one who constantly convinced me that even though i never really had a relationship with anything but men, i am still a pan. this was like.. my problem..?? like i just never had a guts to really talk and initiate relationships with women because i am just a panicked gay. like. i am stuttering and made fool of myself everytime i have to interact with women that i crushed. tbh this also applies to men—in general, i am just so passive around people that i like. so most if the time the relationship happens because i interested with them first, but then they approach me first lol😅 if they didn’t approach me first then there is nothing happened, just me and my yearning era😭
like that, sometimes i couldn’t really proud to say that i am pan bc the constant bi/panphobic remarks i found regarding this. like i swear i am confident enough to label myself as that because i am indeed, attracted to any sex and gender. i don’t think i really care enough about their sex/gender identity, like as long as you are really interesting for me, i go for it.
so.. yeah.. happy pride for all of us, as a part and an ally🤗🌈 few first day on june is usually the most fun of the pride month because all things we celebrate like, “welcome to THE month!!” and the euphoria is kinda wearing down on me now because i am just.. sick right now. i tried to still going to work on monday and tuesday and just gave up on yesterday and today. i think i could bounce back tomorrow. i had a packed schedule on weekend so i should bounce back. i had session arranged with my psychiatrist and run some errands on sunday and a whole wedding to attend on saturday. it’s kinda pressure for me to attend those.
i don’t mind if it’s my friend’s wedd as on my age, it’s kinda too early to get married—people won’t ask me when i’ll get married yada yada yada. but next saturday is my mom’s friend’s child’s wedd. i’m very lazy to attend those tbh but my mom ask me to accompany her. like those elders would ask me when i will get married?????? like whoooaaa slow down i just hit 22 last april, ladies and gentlemen!😭
and it’s not like imma get married as soon as possible😭😭😭 mayb i won’t get married until i reach my late 20s or early 30s, or maybe i just won’t do it, at all. all i ask is just a long-term partner to settle. i am, indeed, already on mental/realization where i need to do date more seriously. but the main question is: WHERE DO I FOUND THE ONEEEEEEE???😭😭 duh..
also this just happened in real time: the groupchat with my 충주친구, kumamoto friend, and my first gay friend was in shambles because THEY DOESNT BELIEVE THAT I AM A HUFFLEPUFF???? they believe i am a slytherin😭😭 i said no??? bc last time i took the test (2017/2018ish), i am indeed, a hufflepuff.
then they make me to retake the test.. and i am indeed a slytherin?? LIKE LMAOOOOOO??????😭
also there is something i wanna ask! last night my friend made me to watch a new music video from tw/s and when i finished watching them, there is you???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? i thought it’s just my brain but IT ACTUALLY IT IS???? hello???? mind to tell us more or just gave us a confirmation that this is a real you??????😭😭😭 like look at how shocked i am😭😭😭😭
so..yeah. and as usual i’ll wrap the letter with 오노추, a.k.a today’s my song recommendation: niki — too much of a good things and raveena — honey!
well, i’ll just come back later because i don’t have anything to write anymore😅 don’t forget, to hold hands with me, becoming each other's four leaf clover, and run together, in those flowery roads!🍀
dyva sayang kevin.
yours truly,
dyva🌙