눈물로 채운 마음의 강/涙で満たした心の川/A River of Heart Flows with Tears/交織著恐懼與感動

[watanabe hiroyuki]

눈물로 채운 마음의 강

평화를 사랑하는 세계인으로

철이 들면서부터'나는 이 다음에 무엇이 될까?' 하는 문제에 대하여 골똘히 생각하기 시작했습니다. 자연을 관찰하고 연구하는 것을 좋아하니 과학자가 되어볼까도 했지만, 일본의 수탈에 시달리며 끼니조차 잇지 못하는 사람들의 비참한 현실을 목격하고는 생각을 바꾸었습니다. 과학자가 되어 노벨상을 받는다고 해도 헐벗고 굶주린 사람들의 눈물을 씻어줄 수는 없을 것 같았습니다. 나는 사람들의 흐르는 눈물을 닦아주고 마음에 쌓인 슬픔을 없애주는 사람이 되고 싶었습니다. 숲속에 누워 새들의 노랫소리를 들으면 '이 세상을 저 노랫소리처럼 만들어야지.사람들의 얼굴을 꽃처럼 향기롭게 만들어주는 사람이 되어야지'하는 생각이 절로 들었습니다. 과연 어떤 사람이 되어야 그런 일을 할 수 있을지는 몰랐지만 사람에게 행복을 전하는 사람이 되어야겠다는 마음만은 굳어져갔습니다.

내 나이 열 살 무렵 목사인 윤국 할아버지 덕분에 우리 집안은 모두 기독교로 개종하고 열심히 신앙생활을 했습니다. 그때부터 나는 한번도 거르지 않고 성실하게 교회를 다녔습니다. 예배시간에 조금이라도 늦으면 너무 부끄러워 얼굴도 들지 못했습니다. 어린 나이에 무얼 알아 그리했을까마는 내 마음 속에는 그때 이미 하나님의 존재가 커다랗게 자리잡고 있었습니다.그리고 삶과 죽음,인생의 고통과 슬픔에 대해 심각하게 고민하는 시간이 늘어가기 시작했습니다.

열두 살 때 증조할아버지 묘를 이장하는 것을 본 적이 있습니다. 원칙대로라면 문중 어른들만 참석하는 자리였지만,사람이 죽으면 어떻게 되는지 직접 보고 싶은 마음에 기를 쓰고 끼어들었습니다.묘를 파고 시체를 이장하는 것을 지켜보던 나는순간 놀라움과 두려움에 휩싸였습니다. 예를 갖춘 어른들이 모두 모여 분묘墳墓를 열었을 때내 눈에 들어온 것은 앙상한 뼛조각뿐이었습니다.그동안 아버지와 어머니를 통해 들었던 증조할아버지의 모습은 온데간데 없고 하얀 뼈만 흉측한 모습을 드러냈습니다. 증조할아버지의 뼈를 보고난 후, 나는 한동안 그 충격에서 헤어나오지 못했습니다. '증조할아버지도 살아계실 적에는 우리와 똑같은 모습을 하고 계셨을 텐데….그럼 우리 부모님도 돌아가시면 증조할아버지처럼 하얀 뼈만 남는 건가,나도 죽으면 그렇게 되는 건가,사람은 모두 죽어야 하나,죽은 다음엔 아무 생각도 못하고 그저 누워만 있는 건가,그럼 생각은 어디로 가는 건가?'하는 의문이 머릿속에서 떠나지 않았습니다.

그때 집안에 이상한 일들이 많이 벌어졌습니다. 지금도 생생하게 기억 나는 일이 하나 있습니다. 예장을 만들려고 물레에서 뽑은 토끝(베를 짠 끄트머리)을 독에 넣어두었는데 어느 날 밤 그것이 윗마을 오래된 밤나무에 하얗게 널려 있었습니다. 토끝은 한 필 정도의 양이 될 때까지 모았다가 무명을 짜서 자식들 혼례에 쓰는 것인데, 우리 고향에서는 이것을 예장이라고 불렀습니다. 그런데 누가 그것을 한밤중에 집에서 멀리 떨어진 밤나무에 걸쳐 놓은 건지 알 수 없었습니다. 아무래도 사람이 한 짓은 아닌 것 같아 동네 사람들 모두 두려워했습니다. 열여섯 살무렵 열세 남매 중 다섯 명의 동생이 한 해에 세상을 떠나는 비극도 겪었습니다. 한꺼번에 아이 다섯을 잃은 부모님의 상심은 이루 말할 수 없었습니다. 그런데 끔찍한 일은 우리집 담장을 넘어 문중에까지 번졌습니다. 멀쩡하던 소가 갑자기 죽어나가고 잇따라 말이 죽더니 하룻밤 새에 돼지가 일곱 마리나 죽어나갔습니다.

집안의 고난은 민족의 고통,세계의 고통으로 이어졌습니다.  점점 악랄해지는 일본의 압정과 우리 민족의 비참한 처지를 지켜보며 나의 고민도 커져만 갔습니다. 사람들은 먹을 것이 없어 풀이며 나무 껍질을 있는대로 뜯어다가 끓여 먹어야 했습니다. 세계적으로도 전쟁이 끊이질 않았습니다. 그러던 어느 날, 나와 동갑인 중학생이 자살을 했다는 신문기사를 읽게 되었습니다.'그 소년은 왜 죽었을까,어린 나이에 무엇이 그리도 괴로웠을까 ….'마치 내가 당한 슬픔인 것처럼 가슴이 무너져내렸습니다.신문을 펼쳐놓은 채 사흘 밤낮을 통곡했습니다.끝도 없이 흘러내리는 눈물을 주체할 수 없었습니다.

세상에 왜 이렇게 이상한 일이 잇따라 일어나는 것인지, 왜 착한 사람들에게 슬픈 일이 생기는지도무지 이해할 수 없었습니다. 증조할아버지의 산소를 이장하면서 그 뼈를 목격한 이후삶과 죽음에 관해 의문을 갖게 된 데다집안에서 벌어지는 이해할 수 없는 일들로 인해나는 종교에 매달리게 되었습니다. 하지만 교회에서 듣는 말씀만으로는 삶과 죽음에 대한 의문을 시원하게 풀 수 없었습니다.마음이 답답해진 나는 자연히 기도에 몰두하게 되었습니다.

'나는 누구인가? 어디서 왔는가?인생의 목적은 무엇인가? 사람은 죽으면 어떻게 되는가?영혼의 세계는 어떻게 되는가? 하나님은 확실히 존재하는 것인가? 하나님은 정말 전능한 분인가? 하나님이  전능한 분이라면 왜 세상의 슬픔을 그대로 보고만 있는 것인가? 하나님이 이 세상을 지으셨다면 이 세상의 고통도 하나님이 만드신 것인가? 일본에게 나라를 빼앗긴 우리나라의 비극은 언제 끝날 것인가? 우리 민족이 당하는 고통의 의미는 무엇인가? 왜 인간은 서로를 미워하며 싸우고 전쟁을 일으키는 것인가?' 등 참으로 심각하고 본질적인 질문들이 가슴속을 가득 메웠습니다. 그 누구도 쉽게 대답하기 힘든 질문들이라 기도하는 길밖에는 다른 도리가 없었습니다. 나를 괴롭히는 마음의 문제를 하나님께 털어놓고 기도를 하는 동안에는 고통도 슬픔도 사라지고 마음이 편안했습니다. 기도하는 시간이 점점 길어지다 급기야 밤을 새우는 날도 하루하루 늘어났습니다.그러던 어느 날 하나님이 내 기도에 화답해주는 진귀한 경험을 하게 되었습니다.그날은 내 평생 가장 소중한 기억으로 남을, 꿈에도 잊을 수 없는 날입니다. 

열여섯 되던 해 부활절 전야였습니다. 그날도 어김없이 마을 뒤에 있는 묘두산에 올라가 밤새 기도하며 하나님께 눈물로 매달렸습니다. 왜 이토록 슬픔과 절망이 가득한 세상을 만드셨는지, 전지전능하신 하나님이 왜 이상을 아픔 속에 내버려두시는 건지, 비참한 조국을 위해 내가 무엇을 해야 하는지, 나는 눈물을 흘리며 묻고 또 물었습니다. 기도로 꼬박 밤을 새우고 난 부활절 새벽에 예수님이 내 앞에 나타나셨습니다. 바람처럼 홀연히 나타난 예수님은 "고통 받는 인류 때문에 하나님이 너무 슬퍼하고 계시니라. 지상에서 하늘의 역사에 대한 특별한 사명을 맡아라" 하고 말씀하셨습니다. 그날 나는 슬픈 얼굴의 예수님을 확실히 보았습니다. 그리고 그 음성을 확실히 들었습니다. 예수님을 현현한 내 몸이 사시나무 떨리듯 심하게 떨렸습니다. 그 자리에서 당장이라도 죽을 것 같은 두려움과 터질 듯한 감격이 한꺼번에 엄습했습니다. 예수님은 또렷하게 앞으로 내가 해야 할 일을 말씀해주셨습니다. 고통 받는 인류를 위해 하나님을 기쁘게 해드리라는 엄청난 말씀이었습니다. "저는 못합니다.제가 그걸 어떻게 하겠습니까? 제게 그렇게 막중한  임무를 내리시다니요?" 정말 두려웠습니다. 어떻게든 피하고 싶어 예수님의 옷자락을 붙잡고 한없이 울었습니다.

나는 극심한 혼란에 빠졌습니다. 부모님께도 털어놓을 수 없고 마음 속에 꼭꼭 담아둘 수만도 없는 큰 비밀을 어찌해야 할지 몰라 쩔쩔 맸습니다. 분명한 건 내가 하늘로부터 특별한 임무를 받았다는 사실이었습니다. 혼자 감당하기에는 너무 크고 엄청난 그 책임을 도저히 다할 수 없을 것 같아 불안하고 두려웠습니다. 혼란스런 마음을 다스리려  이전보다 훨씬 더 기도에 매달렸지만 그마저도 소용이 없었습니다. 아무리 애를 써도 예수님을 만난 기억에서 잠시도 헤어날 수 없었습니다. 울음이 솟구치는 마음을 어쩌지 못해 나는 그 두려움을 시로 썼습니다.  

영광의 면류관  

내가 사람을 의심할 때 나는 고통을 느낍니다.

내가 사람을 심판할 때 나는 견딜 수 없어집니다.

내가 사람을 미워할 때 나는 존재가치를 잃고 맙니다.

그러나 만일 믿으면, 나는 속임을 당하고 맙니다.

이 저녁 나는 머리를 손바닥에 묻고,고통과 슬픔에 떨고 있습니다.

내가 틀린 것입니까? 그렇습니다. 내가 틀린 것입니다.

비록 속임을 당할지라도 믿어야 합니다.

비록 배신을 당할지라도 용서해야 합니다.

미워하는 사람까지도 송두리째 사랑하십시오.

눈물을 닦아내고 미소로 맞이하십시오.

남을 속이는 일밖에 모르는 자들을,

배신을 하고도 뉘우칠 줄 모르는 자들까지도.

오, 주여! 사랑하는 아픔이여! 저의 이 고통을 보소서!

불타는 이 가슴에 주의 손을 얹어주소서.

저의 심장은 깊은 고뇌로 터질 듯만 하옵니다.

그러나,배신한 자들을 사랑했을 때 나는 승리를 쟁취했습니다.

만일 당신도 나와 같은 사랑을 한다면

나는 그대에게 '영광의 면류관'을 드리오리다.

예수님을 만난 이후 내 삶은 완전히 바뀌었습니다. 예수님의 슬픈 얼굴이 내 가슴 안에 화인처럼 찍혀서 다른 생각, 다른 마음은 전혀 떠오르지 않았습니다. 그날 이후 나는 하나님의 말씀에 매여버렸습니다. 때로는 끝없는 어둠이 나를 에워싸 숨조차 쉴 수 없이 고통스러웠고, 때로는 아침해를 마주하는 듯한 기쁨이 마음속에 가득 차 올랐습니다. 그런 날이 반복되면서 나는 점점 더 깊은 기도의 세계로 들어갔습니다. 나는 예수님이 내게 직접 일러주시는 새로운 진리의 말씀을 가슴에 안고 하나님에게 완전히 사로잡혀 이전과는 전혀 다른 삶을 살아갔습니다. 생각할 것이 너무도 많아 점점 더 말이 없는 소년이 되어갔습니다. 

하나님의 길을 가는 사람은 언제든지 정성과 마음을 다해 그 목적지를 찾아가야 합니다. 이 길에는 집념이 필요합니다. 타고난 고집불통인 나는 본래부터 집념덩어리입니다. 타고난 성질 그대로 집념을 갖고 고난을 극복해가며 내게 주어진 길을 갔습니다. 흔들릴 때마다 나를 단단히 붙잡아준 것은 '하나님으로부터 직접 말씀을 들었다'는 엄중한 사실이었습니다. 그렇지만 단 한번뿐인 청춘을 바쳐 그 길을 선택하는 것이 쉽지만은 않았습니다. 때로는 피하고 싶은 마음도 들었습니다. 

涙で満たした心の川－神の召命と艱難

恐れと感激が交差する中で

自叙伝　P.58

私は物心がついてくると、「将来何になるのか？」という問題について熱心に考え始めました。自然を観察し研究することが好きだったので、科学者になろうかと考えましたが、日本の収奪に苦しめられ、日に三度の食事さえままならない人たちの惨めな有様を目にして、考えを変えました。科学者になってノーベル賞を取ったとしても、ぼろを身にまとい、飢えた人たちの涙をぬぐい去ることはできないと思ったからです。

  私は人々の流れる涙をぬぐい、心の底に積もった悲しみを吹き払う人になりたかったのです。森の中に横になって鳥たちの歌声を聞くと、「あのさえずりみたいに、誰もが仲良く暮らせる世の中を築こう。一人一人の顔をかぐわしい花のように素晴らしくしてあげたい」という思いが自然と沸き上がってきました。一体どんな人になればそうできるのか、それはまだよく分かりませんでしたが、人々に幸福をもたらす者になろうという心だけは固まっていきました。

私が十歳の頃、牧師である潤國(ユングン)大叔父の影響で、私たち一家は全員キリスト教に改宗しました。次姉と兄の精神的な病が按手(あんしゅ)祈祷を通して治癒したことから、猫(ミヨ)頭(ドウ)山標高310メートルのふもとにある徳(トク)興(フン)長老教会に入教し、熱心に信仰生活をしたのです。その時から、私は真面目に教会に通って、礼拝を１度も欠かしませんでした。礼拝時間に少しでも遅れると、あまりにも恥ずかしくて顔を上げることができませんでした。まだ子供なのに何を思ってそうしたかというと、私の心の中には、その時すでに神の存在がとても大きな位置を占めていたのです。そして、生と死や人生の苦しみと悲しみについて、深刻に悩む時間が増えていきました。

十二歳の時、曾祖父のお墓を移葬するのを見たことがあります。本来は一族の大人だけが参列する場でしたが、人が死ねばどうなるのか直接見たいという欲求に駆られて、必死に割り込んで入れてもらいました。墓を掘り起こして移葬する様子を見守った私は、驚きと恐怖に襲われました。儀礼作法を弁(わきま)えた大人たちが集まって墳墓を開けた時、私の目に飛び込んできたのはか細い骨の欠片だけでした。両親から聞いていた曾祖父の姿は跡形もなく、白い骨だけがぞっとするような醜い姿を現しました。

曾祖父の骨を見てから、私はしばらくの間、その衝撃から抜け出すことができませんでした。「曾祖父(そうそふ)も生きておられた時はみんなと全く同じ姿をしていたはずなのに……。そうすると、父や母も亡くなれば曾祖父のように白い骨だけが残るのか。自分も死ねばそうなるのか。人はみんな死ぬけれど、死んだ後は何も考えられず、そのまま横たわってばかりいるのか。思いはどこにいくのか……」そうした疑問が、頭の中を離れませんでした。

その頃、家の中でおかしな出来事がたくさん起きました。今もはっきりと思い出すことが一つあります。礼装を仕立てようと、機織りで作る反物の出来上がったところまでを甕(かめ)に入れておいたのに、ある晩、その白い布地が上の村の古い栗の木に掛かっていました。できた部分は一(いち)疋(ひき)(二反)ほどの量になるまで少しずつ集めておいて、その木綿の生地で子供らの婚礼衣装を縫うのですが、これを故郷では「礼装」と呼びました。ところで、誰が夜中に家から遠く離れた栗の木に掛けたのか、それが分かりませんでした。到底人の仕業とは思えないので、近所の誰もが恐れたのです。

十五歳の頃、十三人の兄弟姉妹のうち五人の弟妹が、わずか一年で相次いでこの世を去るという悲劇も経験しました。一度に五人もの子供を失った両親の傷ついた心は言葉で表現しようがありません。ところが、ぞっとすることに、不幸はわが家の塀を越えて一族にまで及びました。丈夫だった牛が急に死に、続いて馬が死に、一晩のうちに豚が七匹も死んでいきました。

家族の苦難は民族の苦痛、世界の苦痛と無縁ではありません。次第にひどくなる日本の圧政とわが民族の悲惨な立場を見つめて、私の苦悩もただ深まるばかりでした。食べる物がなくて、人々は草や木の皮もあるだけもぎ取って、それを煮て食べるほどでした。

そんなある日のことです。新聞で、私と同じ年の中学生が自殺したという記事を読みました。「その少年はなぜ死んだのだろう。幼い年で何がそんなにつらかったのか……」

少年の悲しみがまるで私自身の悲しみであるかのよう感じられて、胸が締(し)めつけられました。新聞を広げたまま三日三晩泣き通しました。とめどなく涙が流れて、どうしようもありませんでした。

世の中でなぜこれほど異様なことが相次いで起こるのか、なぜ善良な人を悲しみが襲うのか、私には全く理解できませんでした。曾祖父の墓を移葬する際に遺骨を目撃してからというもの、生と死の問題に疑問を持つようになった上、家の中で起こる理解しがたい出来事によって、私は宗教に頼るようになりました。しかしながら、教会で聞くみ言だけでは、生と死に関する疑問をすっきりと解くことができません。もどかしく思った私は、自然と祈りに没頭するようになりました。「私は誰なのか。どこから来たのか。人生の目的は何か」

＊「人は死ねばどうなるのか。霊魂の世界は果たしてあるのか」

＊「神は確実に存在するのか。神は本当に全能のお方なのか」

＊「神が全能のお方であるとすれば、なぜ世の中の悲しみをそのまま見捨てておかれるのか」

＊「神がこの世をつくられたとすれば、この世の苦しみも神がつくられたものなのか」

＊「日本に国を奪われたわが国の悲劇はいつ終わるのか」

＊「わが民族が受ける苦痛の意味は何なのか」

＊「なぜ人間は互いに憎み合い、争って、戦争を起こすのか」

等々、実に深刻で本質的な問い掛けが私の心を埋め尽くしました。

誰も容易に答えられない問いなので、答えを得るには祈るしかありません。私を苦しめる心の問題を神様に打ち明けてお祈りしていると、苦しみも悲しみも消えていって、心が楽になります。祈る時間は次第に長くなりました。祈りで夜を明かす日も、一日また一日と増えていきました。そしてとうとう、神様が私の祈りに答えてくださる日がやって来ました。それは何物にも代えがたい貴重な体験で、その日は、私の生涯に最も大切な記憶として残る、夢にも忘れることのできない一日です。

十五歳になった年の復活節を迎える週でした。その日も、いつもと同じように近くの猫(ミヨ)頭(ドウ)山に登って、夜を徹して祈りながら、神様に涙ですがりつきました。なにゆえこのように悲しみと絶望に満ちた世界をつくられたのか、全知全能の神がなぜこの世界を痛みの中に放置しておられるのか、悲惨な祖国のために私は何をしなければならないのか。私は涙を流して何度も何度も神様に尋ねました。

祈りでずっと夜を過ごした後、明け方になって、イエス様が私の前に現れました。風のように忽然(こつぜん)と現れたイエス様は、「苦しんでいる人類のゆえに、神様はあまりにも悲しんでおられます。地上で天の御旨に対する特別な使命を果たしなさい」と語られたのです。

その日、私は悲しい顔のイエス様をはっきりと見、その声をはっきりと聞きました。イエス様が現れた時、私の体はヤマナラシの木が震えるように激しく震えました。その場で今すぐ死んでしまうのではないかと思われるほどの恐れ、そして胸が張り裂けるような感激が一度に襲いました。イエス様は、私がやるべきことをはっきりとお話しになりました。苦しんでいる人類を救い、神様を喜ぶようにしてさしあげなさい、という驚くべきみ言でした。「私にはできません。どうやってそれをするのでしょうか。そんなにも重大な任務を私に下されるのですか」本当に恐ろしくてたまらず、何とか辞退しようとして、私はイエス様の服の裾(すそ)をつかんで泣き続けました。

私は非常に激しく混乱しました。両親にも打ち明けられず、かといって、心の中にぎゅっとしまい込んでおくわけにもいかない大きな秘密を抱えてしまったのです。どうしていいか分からず、途方に暮れました。明らかなことは、私が天から特別な任務を託されたという事実です。しかし、一人でやり遂げるにはあまりにも大きな責任でした。しかもその内容たるや驚くべきものがありました。到底自分には果たし得ないと思って、不安と恐怖におののく毎日でした。混乱した心を何とかしようと、以前にもまして祈りにすがりつきましたが、それすら役に立ちません。いくら努力しようとも、イエス様に会った記憶から少しも逃れられなかったのです。泣き出したい気持ちをどうすることもできなくて、私はその恐れを詩に書きました。

人を疑えば、苦しみを覚え

人を裁けば、耐えがたくなり

人を憎めば、もはや私に存在価値はない

しかし、信じてはだまされ

今宵、手のひらに頭を埋めて、苦痛と悲しみに震える私

間違っていたのか。そうだ、私は間違っていた

だまされても、信じなければ

裏切られても、赦さなければ

私を憎む者までも、ひたむきに愛そう

涙をふいて、微笑んで迎えるのだ

だますことしか知らない者を

裏切っても、悔悟を知らない者を

おお主よ!愛の痛みよ

私のこの苦痛に目を留めてください

疼(うず)くこの胸に主のみ手を当ててください

されど裏切った者らを愛したとき

私は勝利を勝ち取った

もし、あなたも私のように愛するなら

あなたに栄光の王冠を授けよう

イエス様に会った後、私の人生は完全に変わりました。イエス様の悲しい顔が私の胸中に烙印(らくいん)のように刻まれ、他の考え、他の心は全く浮かびませんでした。その日を境に、私は神様のみ言に縛(しば)られてしまいました。ある時は、果てしない暗闇が私を取り囲み、息つく暇さえないほどの苦痛が押し寄せたし、またある時は、昇る朝日を迎えるような喜びが心の中に満ちあふれました。そういう毎日が繰り返されて、私は次第に深い祈りの世界に入っていきました。イエス様が直接教えてくださる新しい真理のみ言を胸に抱いて、神様に完全に捕らえられて、以前とは全く異なる人生を歩むようになりました。考えることが山ほどあって、次第に口数の少ない少年になったのです。

神の道を行く人は、常に全力で事に当たり、心を尽くして、その目的地に向かっていくべきです。この道には執念が必要です。生来、頑固一徹な私は、元から執念の塊(かたまり)です。生まれつきの性質そのままに、苦難にぶつかっても執念で克服して、私に与えられた道を進んできました。試練に遭って翻弄されるたびに私を深いところで支えてくれたのは、「神様から直接、み言を聞いた」という厳粛な事実でした。しかし、一度しかない青春をかけてその道を選ぶことが、たやすいことだったでしょうか。逃げたい気持ちになったこともあります。

知恵のある人は、どんなに困難でも、未来への希望を抱いて黙々と歩いていきますが、愚かな人は、目の前の幸福のために未来を無駄に投げ捨ててしまいます。私も若い盛りには愚かな考えに染まったこともありましたが、結局は、知恵ある人が行く道を選択しました。神が願うささ道を行くために、一つしかない命を喜んで捧げました。逃げようとしても逃げ場がなくて、私が行く道はただその道以外にありませんでした。

ところで、神はなぜ私を呼ばれたのでしょうか。九十歳(数え) になった今も、毎日、神がなぜ私を呼ばれたのかを考えます。この世の中の無数の人の中から、よりによってなぜ私を選ばれたのか。容貌が優れているとか、人格が素晴らしいとか、信念が強いとか、そういうことではありません。私は頑固一徹で、愚直で、つまらない少年にすぎませんでした。私に取り柄があったとすれば、神を切に求める心、神に向かう切ない愛がそれだったと言えます。いつ、いかなる場所でも最も大切なものは愛です。神は、愛の心を持って生き、苦難にぶつかっても愛の刀で苦悩を断ち切れる人を求めて、私を呼ばれたのです。私は何も自慢できるものがない田舎の少年でした。この年になっても、私はただひたすら神の愛だけに命を捧げて生きる愚直な男です。

私は自分では何も分からなかったので、すべてのことを神に尋ねました。「神様、本当にいらっしゃいますか」と尋ねて、神が確かに実在することを知りました。「神様にも願いがありますか」と尋ねて、神にも願いがあるという事実を知りました。「神様、私が必要ですか」と尋ねて、こんな私でも神に用いられるところがあると知りました。

私の祈りと至誠(しせい)が天に届く日には、イエス様は必ず現れ、特別なみ言を伝えてくださいました。切実に知りたいと願えば、イエス様はいつでも穏和(おんわ)な顔で真理の答えを下さいました。イエス様のみ言は鋭い矢のように、一直線に私の心深くに突き刺さりました。それは単なるみ言ではなく、新しい世界を開く啓示のみ言、宇宙創造の真実を明かすみ言でした。イエス様は風が傍(かたわ)らを通り過ぎるようにお話しになりましたが、私はそのみ言を胸に抱いて、木の根っこを抜(ぬ)く思いで切実な祈りを捧げ、宇宙の根本と世の中の原理を少しずつ悟っていきました。

その年の夏休み、私は祖国巡礼の旅に出ました。一文無しでもらい食いをして、運が良ければトラックに乗せてもらいながら、全国津々浦々を巡ってみました。祖国はどこに行っても涙の坩堝(るつぼ)でした。飢えた民衆の苦痛に満ちた息遣いが絶えることはなく、彼らの凄絶(せいぜつ)な悔恨(かいこん)の涙が川のように流れました。

一日も早くこの悲惨な歴史を終わらせなければ。もうこれ以上、わが民族を悲しみと絶望に陥るままにしておいてはならない。何としてでも日本にも行き、アメリカにも行って、韓民族の偉大さを世界に知らせる方法を探し求めなければならない」

祖国巡礼を通して、私はもう一つの新たな課題を得て、今後の志をさらにしっかりと立てました。「必ず民族を救い、神様の平和をこの地に成し遂げます」両拳(りょうこぶし)をぎゅっと握るや心も引き締まり、進む道がはっきりと見えました。

A River of Heart Flows with Tears

As a Peace Loving Global Citizen
Pages 46-55

Between Fear and Inspiration

As I grew older and more mature, I became preoccupied with the question, “What will I be when I grow up?” I enjoyed observing and studying nature, so I gave some thought to becoming a scientist. However, I changed my mind after I saw the tragedy of how people were plundered by the Japanese colonial authorities. They suffered so much that they could not even feed themselves. It didn’t seem that becoming a scientist, even if it led to my winning a Nobel Prize, would be a way for me to wipe away the tears of suffering people.

I wanted to become a person who could take away the tears that flowed from people’s eyes and the sorrow that was in their hearts. When I was lying in the forest listening to the songs of the birds, I would think, “The world needs to be made as warm and tender as those songs. I should become someone who makes people’s lives as fragrant as flowers.” I didn’t know what career I should pursue to accomplish that, but I became convinced that I should be a person who could give happiness to people.

When I was ten our family converted to Christianity by the grace of Great-Uncle Yun Guk Moon, who was a minister and led a fervent life of faith. From then on, I attended church faithfully, without ever missing a week. If I arrived at service even a little late, I would be so 47 . a river of heart flows with tears . ashamed that I could not even raise my face. I don’t know what I could have understood at such a young age to inspire me to be this way, but God was already a huge presence in my life. I was spending more and more time wrestling with questions dealing with life and death, and the suffering and sorrows of human existence.

When I was twelve, I witnessed my great-grandfather’s grave being moved. Normally, only adults in the clan would be allowed to attend such an occasion, but I wanted very much to see for myself what happened to people after they died. I eventually persuaded my parents to allow me to come along. When the grave was dug up and I saw his remains, I was overcome with shock and fear. While the adults opened the grave with solemn ceremony, all I saw was a scrawny skeleton. There was no trace of the features my father and mother had described to me. There was only the hideous sight of white bones.

It took me a while to get over the shock of seeing my great-grandfather’s bones. I said to myself, “Great-grandfather must have looked just like us. Does this mean my parents, too, will turn into just a bunch of white bones after they die? Is this what will happen to me when I die? Everyone dies, but after we die, do we just lie there unable to think about anything?” I couldn’t get these questions out of my head.

Around that same time, a number of strange events occurred in our home. I have a vivid memory of one in particular. Each time our family wove cloth, we would take the snippets of thread from the spinning wheel and save them in an earthenware jar until we had enough to make a bolt of cloth. The cloth we made from these snippets, called yejang, was a special cloth used when a child in the family was getting married. One night, these snippets were found scattered all over the branches of an old chestnut tree in a neighboring village. They made the tree look 48 . as a peace-loving global citizen . like it had turned white. We couldn’t understand who would have taken the snippets from the jar and carried them all the way to the chestnut tree, which was quite a distance from our home, and then spread them all over the tree. It didn’t seem like something that could be done by human hands, and it frightened everyone in the village.

When I was sixteen, we experienced the tragedy of having five of my younger siblings die in a single year. No words could describe the heartbreak of our parents in losing five of their thirteen children in such a short time. Death seemed to spread. Other clan members lost their livestock. One home’s cow suddenly died, though it had been in perfect health. At another home, several horses died, one after another. At a third home, seven pigs died in one night.

The suffering of one family seemed connected to the suffering of the nation and of the world. I was increasingly troubled to see the wretched situation of the Korean people under Japan’s increasingly tyrannical rule. People didn’t have enough to eat. They were sometimes forced to take grass, tree bark, and whatever else they could find, and boil these for food. There seemed to be no end to wars around the world. Then one day I read an article in a newspaper about the suicide of a middleschool student who was the same age as I.

“Why did he die?” I asked myself. “What would drive a person to kill himself at such a young age?” I was devastated by this news, as if it had happened to someone who had been close to me. With the newspaper open to that article, I wept aloud for three days and nights. The tears kept coming, and I couldn’t make them stop.

I couldn’t comprehend the series of strange events, or the fact that tragic events were happening to good people. Seeing the bones of my great-grandfather had inspired me to start asking questions about life 49 . a river of heart flows with tears . and death, and the series of unusual events in and around our home caused me to hang on to religion. The Word of God I was hearing in church, however, was not sufficient by itself to give me the clear answers I was seeking. To relieve the frustrations in my heart, I naturally began to immerse myself in prayer.

“Who am I? Where did I come from? What is the purpose of life? What happens to people when they die? Is there a world of the eternal soul? Does God really exist? Is God really all-powerful? If He is, why does He just stand by and watch the sorrows of the world? If God created this world, did He also create the suffering that is in the world? What will bring an end to Korea’s tragic occupation by Japan? What is the meaning of the suffering of the Korean people? Why do human beings hate each other, fight, and start wars?” My heart was filled with these serious and fundamental questions. No one could easily answer them for me, so my only option was to pray. Prayer helped me to find solace. Whenever I laid out the anguishing problems in my heart to God, all my suffering and sorrow vanished and my heart felt at ease. I began spending more and more time in prayer, to the point that, eventually, I began praying through the night all the time. As a result, I had a rare and precious experience in which God answered my prayers. That day will always remain as the most cherished memory of my life—a day I can never forget.

It was the night before Easter in the year I turned sixteen. I was on Mount Myodu praying all night and begging God in tears for answers. Why had He created a world so filled with sorrow and despair? Why was the all-knowing and all-powerful God leaving the world in such pain? What should I do for my tragic homeland? I wept in tears as I asked these questions repeatedly. 50 . as a peace-loving global citizen . Early Easter morning, after I had spent the entire night in prayer, Jesus appeared before me. He appeared in an instant, like a gust of wind, and said to me, “God is in great sorrow because of the pain of humankind. You must take on a special mission on earth having to do with Heaven’s work.”

That day, I saw clearly the sorrowful face of Jesus. I heard his voice clearly. The experience of witnessing the manifestation of Jesus caused my body to shake violently, like a quaking aspen’s leaves trembling in a strong breeze. I was simultaneously overcome with fear so great I felt I might die and gratitude so profound I felt I might explode. Jesus spoke clearly about the work I would have to do. His words were extraordinary, having to do with saving humanity from its suffering and bringing joy to God.

My initial response was, “I can’t do this. How can I do this? Why would you even give me a mission of such paramount importance?” I was truly afraid. I wanted somehow to avoid this mission, and I clung to the hem of his clothing and wept inconsolably.

The More It Hurts, the More You Should Love

             I was thrown into extreme confusion. I couldn’t open my heart to my parents and share my huge secret with them. But neither could I just keep it to myself. I was at a loss over what to do. What was clear was that I had received a special mission from Heaven.

It was such a huge and tremendous responsibility. I shuddered in fear to think that I might not be able to handle it on my own. I clung to prayer even more than before, in an attempt to quiet my confused heart. But even this had no effect. No matter how much I tried, I could not free myself for even a moment from the memory of having met Jesus. My encounter with Jesus changed my life completely. His sorrowful expression‎ was etched into my heart as if it had been branded there, and I could not think of anything else. From the day on, I immersed myself completely in the Word of God. At times, I was surrounded by endless darkness and filled with such pain that it was difficult to breathe. At other times, my heart was filled with joy, as though I were watching the morning sun rise above the horizon.  In an effort to quiet my heart and my tears, I composed the following poem:

Crown of Glory

When I doubt people, I feel pain.

When I judge people, it is unbearable.

When I hate people, there is no value to my existence.

Yet if I believe, I am deceived.

If I love, I am betrayed.

Suffering and grieving tonight, my head in my hands,

Am I wrong?

Yet I am wrong.

Even though we are deceived, still believe.

Though we are betrayed, still forgive.

Love completely, even those who hate you.

Wipe your tears away and welcome with a smile

Those who know nothing but deceit,

And those who betray without regret.

O, master, the pain of loving.

Look at my hands.

Place your hand on my chest.

My heart is bursting such agony.

But when I love those who acted against me,

I brought victory.

If you have done the same thing,

I will give you the Crown of Glory.

             I experienced a series of days like those that led me into a deeper and deeper world of prayer. I embraced new words of truth that Jesus was giving me directly and let myself be completely captivated by God. I began to live an entirely different life. I had many things to think about, and I gradually became a boy of few words.

             Anyone who follows the path of God must pursue his goal with his whole heart and total dedication. It requires a steadfastness of purpose. I am stubborn by birth, so I have always had tenacity. I used this God-given tenacity to overcome difficulties and follow the way that was given to me. Anytime I began to waver, I steadied myself by remembering: “I received God’s word directly.” It was not easy to choose this course, because it would require me to sacrifice the rest of my youth. At times, I felt I would rather avoid the path.

             A wise person will place hope in the future and continue to move forward, no matter how difficult it may be. A foolish person, on the other hand, will throw away his future for the sake of immediate happiness. I, too, at times held foolish thoughts when I was still very young, but in the end I chose the path of the wise person. I gladly offered up my life in order to pursue the way God desired. I could not have run away if I tried; this was the only way I could have chosen. So why did God call me? Even now, at ninety years of age, I wonder every day why God called me. Of all people in the world, why did He choose me? It wasn’t because I had a particularly good appearance, or outstanding character, or deep conviction. I was just an unremarkable, stubborn, and foolish young boy. If God saw something in me, it must have been a sincere heart that sought Him with tears of love. Whatever the time or place, love is most important. God was searching for a person who would live with a heart of love and who, when faced with suffering could cut off its effects with love. I was a boy in a rural village with nothing to show for myself. Even now, I insist uncompromisingly on sacrificing my life for God’s love and nothing else.

             There was nothing I could know on my own, so I took all my questions to God. I asked, “God, do you really exist?” and that was how I came to know that He did, in fact, exist. I asked, “God, do you have any cherished desires?” and this was how I came to know that He, too, had cherished desires. I asked Him, “God, do you need me?” and this was how I discovered that He had use for me.

             On those days when my prayers and dedication connected to Heaven, Jesus appeared to me without fail and conveyed special messages. If I was earnest in my desire to know something, Jesus would appear with a gentle expression‎ and give me answers of truth. His words were always on the mark, and they struck deep into my bosom like sharp arrows. These were not mere words; they were revelations about the creation of the universe that opened the door to a new world. When Jesus spoke, it seemed like a soft breeze, but I took his words to heart and prayed with an earnestness strong enough to uproot a tree. Gradually, I came into a new realization about God’s purpose in creating the universe and his principles of creation.

             During the summer of that year, I went on a pilgrimage around the country. I had no money. I would go to homes and ask to be fed. If I was lucky, I caught a ride on a truck. This was how I visited every corner of the country. Everywhere I went, I saw that my homeland was a crucible of tears. There was no end to sorrowful sights of suffering from hungry people. Their woeful lamentations turned to tears that flowed life a river.

             “This wretched history must end quickly as possible,” I told myself. “Our people must not be left to suffer in sorrow and despair. Somehow, I need to find a way to go to Japan and to America so that I can let the world know the greatness of the Korean people.”

             Through this pilgrimage, I was able to redouble my determination toward my future work.

             As I clenched my two fists, my mind became totally focused, and I could see clearly the path I had to follow in my life: “I absolutely will save our people and bring God’s peace on this earth.”

交織著恐懼與感動——思考人生方向

熱愛和平的世界公民

自懂事起，我就一直在認真思考︰我將來要成為怎樣的人？我那麼喜歡觀察和研究自然，所以曾想立志做一名科學家，然而目睹了日本人的無情迫害與掠奪，使百姓陷入民不聊生的慘狀之後，我的想法改變了。因為，縱使將來成為科學家，獲得了諾貝爾獎，我還是無法為饑寒交迫的人們擦乾眼淚。

我希望自己成為一個為別人擦乾眼淚，撫平心中悲痛的人。當我躺在森林中聆聽小鳥的歌唱時，自然而然地想到：「我要改變世界，讓世界洋溢著像小鳥歌聲般的溫馨；我要成為一個能讓人們的臉龐散發出花朵般芬芳的人。」雖然當時還不明白究竟要成為怎樣的人才能做到這一點，但我還是下定決心要成為散播幸福的人。

十歲那年，受到當牧師的潤國叔公影響，我們全家受洗改信基督教，開始過熱忱的信仰生活。我熱心虔誠地去教會參加禮拜，一次也不曾錯過，要是稍微遲到，便會羞愧得抬不起頭來。雖然當時年紀尚小，所知有限，然而神在我心中早已佔據了極重要的地位。同時，我對生與死、人生的痛苦與悲傷之問題，也思考得越來越多。

十二歲時，我親眼看到曾祖父的墳墓遷墓的情景。按理來說，那種場合只有長輩才能參加，但我真的很好奇人死後究竟如何，就苦苦央求許久，硬是擠進人群之中。然而，當我看到大人掘開墳墓，搬動屍骨的那一幕，簡直嚇呆了，剎那間被一種令人顫抖的恐懼所包圍。當開墳儀式結束，人們挖開墳墓，一根根枯骨映入眼簾，原本從父母親那裡記憶猶新的曾祖父身影，竟然蕩然無存，剩下的只是一堆令人毛骨悚然的白骨！

目睹曾祖父的遺骸後，有好一陣子我無法擺脫那股衝擊。「曾祖父在世時，應該也和我們一樣吧？……難道父母死後，也會像曾祖父那樣，只剩下一堆白骨嗎？我死後也會那樣嗎？人都會死嗎？死後是不是完全沒有思想只能躺在那兒？那麼，思想會去哪裡呢？」我腦中滿是疑問…。

那時，家裡接二連三地發生怪事，其中有一件事我至今依然印象深刻。有一晚，原本收藏在家裡陶甕內的一塊塊布頭，竟然披掛在前村的一棵老栗樹上。這些亞麻線頭是紡車裁剩的，通常會把它累積起來，直到一定的數量後，再拿來織成布，待女兒出嫁時做成禮服。但不知是誰三更半夜把它從陶甕中盜出來，掛在離家很遠的栗樹上，這件事怎麼想都有些蹊蹺，因為實在不像是人類所為，一時之間，村裡的人都感到心驚膽顫…。

快十六歲的時候，我的十三個兄弟姐妹中，一年之內竟有五個過世了！父母一下子失去了五個孩子，心中的悲痛可想而知。然而，悲劇並沒有就此停止，彷彿越演越烈地蔓延開來，首先是好端端的大黃牛突然暴斃，然後馬匹也突然死了，甚至有一天，七隻豬在一夕之間就全部暴斃。

家族的苦難延續到民族的苦難，民族的苦難又延續到世界的苦難。眼看日本的壓迫越來越囂張，民族的處境也越來越悲慘，而我的苦惱也就越發嚴重。由於食物匱乏，人民饑不擇食，不論樹皮或草根，只要是能煮來吃的，都把它拿來填進肚子，而世界各地也是戰火綿延。這時，我從報上讀到一則新聞，一名與我同歲的中學生選擇自殺的道路。為什麼那名少年要尋死？小小年紀有什麼痛苦讓他無法忍受呢？彷彿悲劇就發生在自己身上一樣，我一下子就崩潰了，面對報紙整整痛哭了三天，淚水不斷流出，根本無法止住。

我無法理解，世界上為什麼會發生這麼多不幸的事情，為什麼好人總是遭遇悲哀與不幸？自從目睹曾祖父的骸骨後，我就產生一連串關於生死的疑問，加上家中匪夷所思的事件，讓我對宗教越來越感興趣。可是，教會裡的講道，並不能清楚地解答我對生死的疑惑，這些都讓我深感苦悶，於是我慢慢開始深切的禱告。

「我是誰？從哪裡來？人生的目的是什麼？人死後會變成什麼樣子？靈界果真存在嗎？神確實存在嗎？神是全知全能的嗎？如果神是全知全能的，為什麼只是旁觀這個世界的不幸呢？假如是神創造這個世界，那麼世界上的痛苦也是神製造的嗎？韓國被日本蹂躪的悲劇，何日是盡頭？我民族受苦的意義為何？為什麼人與人之間互相仇視、衝突甚至爆發戰爭？」我的內心充滿了很多這種深刻而本質性的疑問。

沒有人能輕易地給我這些問題的答案，除了禱告之外，我幾乎無路可循。當我把這些困擾內心的問題向神坦誠以告時，我發覺痛苦和悲傷消失了，內心也感覺到平安。於是，我禱告的時間變得越來越長，不久，徹夜的禱告也日漸多了起來。有一天，我體會到一個非常珍貴的經驗——神回應了我的禱告，那是我一生中最難忘懷的一天，是我人生中最寶貴的記憶。

那是我滿十六歲那年的復活節前夕，當晚我一如往常地去村後的貓頭山進行徹夜禱告。我淚流滿面，懇切地問神：「神啊！為什麼祢要創造出這樣充滿悲傷與令人絕望的世界？為什麼全知全能的神，卻任憑世界在傷痛之中煎熬？我又能為悲慘的祖國做些什麼？」

我以禱告度過了整個夜晚，之後在復活節的凌晨，耶穌出現在我面前，像風一樣飄然而至，他對我說：「由於人類的痛苦，神更是萬分悲傷，相應於上天的旨意，你必須在地上承擔起特別的使命。」

那天，我清清楚楚地看到了愁容滿面的耶穌，也清晰地聽到了他的聲音。當他顯現時，我的身體宛如風中的樹葉，顫抖不已。一股彷彿當下就會死亡的恐懼，以及快要爆炸的感動同時向我襲來。

耶穌明確告訴我未來的任務，那竟是「拯救苦難中的人類，並撫慰悲傷的神。」對我而言，這是何等驚訝的內容！

「我做不到！我怎麼可能？如此龐大的任務，怎麼可能交託給我？」我既害怕又著急地想逃避，緊緊抓住耶穌的衣襟，不停地嚎啕大哭。

[최호덕]

감사합니다

[5남매]

나는 사람들의 흐르는 눈물을 닦아주고 마음에 쌓인 슬픔을 없애주는 사람이 되고 싶었습니다.