바보 네이빈 (The Jerk) 대본
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The Jerk
Story by Steve Martin and Carl Gottlieb
Screenplay by Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb, and Michael Elias
[Beside a theater, in the alley]
(Our hero, Navin, is sitting at the bottom of a staircase, looking
like a bum.)
Navin
Huh? I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the
love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends
and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for
me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days sitting on the
porch with my family singing and dancing, down in Mississippi.
[Outside of Navin's house]
(Everyone is dancing and singing on the porch. Navin has no rhythm.)
Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton,
Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of hay...
[Inside, at the kitchen table]
Mother
Well I hope everybody's good and hungry! Corn bread...
Father
Ain't we forgetting something?
Mother
No I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
All
Happy Birthday!
Mother
And I cooked up your favourite meal: tuna fish salad on white bread
with mayonnaise, a Tab and a couple of Twinkies. Here darling.
Navin
Gee mom, thanks!
Elmyra
I got you a present.
Navin
Gee Elmyra!
Elmyra
I made it myself!
Taj
We got you something too. A half bottle of Lilac Vegetal from both of
us.
Pierre
I drew you this picture.
Young Brother
Here!
Navin
Thank you!
Father
I want you to have my Zippo.
Navin
Gee, you've had this since the war. Thanks. Thanks everybody. God
bless us, everyone.
Mother
Navin!
[Navin's bedroom]
Father
(from kitchen) Well, can you pass me the potatoes and the collared
greens?
Mother
Navin darling?
Navin
(crying) I'm sorry I spoiled the party for everyone.
Mother
You didn't spoil the party. I brought you a Twinkie.
Navin
I'm not hungry right now.
Mother
Feeling different again, huh?
Navin
It's like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here.
Mother
It's your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our
natural born child.
Navin
I'm not?
Mother
You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of
us.
Navin
You mean I'm going to stay this color? (Navin cries)
Mother
Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboons ass. (Navin and
his mom hug. Taj walks in.)
Taj
Navin? I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it.
You wanna, wanna come in and sing some blues?
Navin
No thanks Taj. There's something about those songs. They depress me.
Mother
Come here darling.
(They hug. Navin's mom is singing, Navin is trying to snap his fingers
along with it, but alas, he has no rhythm.)
Mother
That's it darling! You're getting the rhythm, see!
[Navin's bedroom, at night]
(Navin can't sleep, he's listening to the radio.)
Announcer
... and that concludes this Sunday night gospel hour. Live from the
Four Square Gospel Church of the Divine Salvation in St. Louis,
Missouri. The Reverend Willard Wilton, pastor. And now music
throughout the night, music in a mellow mood.
(Music is playing on the radio. Navin turns on his light, his toes are
tapping to beat. His fingers begin to snap, first the left, then
right. He gets up out of bed, slips his slippers on; all the while
dancing and moving to the rhythm. He leaves the room.)
[Grandma's room]
Navin
Grandma! Grandma! Look! Look at the radio! Turn it up! Turn it up!
It's unbelievable! I've never heard music like this before! It speaks
to me! Taj, Dad, this is unbelievable! Now watch, watch! Well if this
is out there just think how much more is out there! This is the kind
of music that tells me to go out there and be somebody!
Mother
But Navin!
Father
Let him go.
[Outside, at the side of a barn]
(there is a large pile of shit on the ground)
Father
Son, now that your going out into the world, there's something you
should know. You see that?
Navin
Yeah.
Father
That's shit. And this: shinola.
Navin
Shit, shinola.
Father
Son, you're going to be all right. Now what town are you going to try
for first?
Navin
Well I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis, because that is where that
radio program was coming from.
(as they walk away, Navin walks through the shit)
[In front of the house]
Mother
And remember, the Lord loves a working man.
Navin
Lord loves a working man.
Father
And son, don't never, ever trust whitey.
Navin
Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey.
(he hugs his mom)
Mother
Ah baby!
Navin
Daddy! (he hugs his dad)
Navin
Pierre come here. Don't you forget to grow up now.
Father
O.k. Now let the boy go. We got work to do.
Mother
And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Navin
I will Ma. I know it's out there.
Taj
It's out there alright, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid
of it.
Navin
See a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj
Good luck.
Navin
Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a
doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma!
[Later that day, at the kitchen table]
Mother
Oh, I sure do miss Navin.
Brother
Is he ever coming back?
Father
Take away his place setting - it's making us too god damn sad.
Mother
I wonder if he's doing alright?
Sister
(shouting out window) Hey Navin! How you doing?
Navin
Don't worry about me! I think I see a car coming - no wait - it's a
truck! It's a truck!
Mother
Oh Lord, help our little boy.
[Outside the house, on the street]
Navin
I'm hitchhiking.
Driver
Where are you going?
Navin
St. Louis. How far are you going?
Driver
To the end of this fence.
Navin
O.k. (he gets in the truck) I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Driver
Here we are!
Navin
O.k. Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.
[Various scenes of Navin hitchhiking - he ends up at the Firebird
Motel]
(Navin is in bed, snoring. There is barking outside his room. Navin
wakes up and opens the door.)
Navin
Well what is it boy? Are you lost? Do you want to play? (more barking)
Is it trouble? Trouble? Is it a accident? A drowning? A fire?
Shithead
(more barking) Yeah! Yeah!
Navin
Fire!! Oh no! Gosh! We've got to warn everybody! I've heard about dogs
like you! You're going to be famous! You're gonna get your picture
taken and they'll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting! You
saved my life! Come on, lets warn everybody!
[Outside of the motel]
Navin
Arf! Arf! Arf! Fire! It's a fire! Everybody! Wake up! It's a fire!
This dog, he's saving everybody's life! He's unbelievable! This is
some dog! He's a lifesaver! That's what I'll call him too! Ol'
lifesaver! That's going to be your name.
(the fire department shows up and checks the place out)
Fireman
Folks, false alarm. There's no fire.
Guest
Hey mister? Don't call that dog lifesaver.
Navin
No?
Guest
Call him Shithead.
Navin
Good. Shithead.
[Down a dusty road, Navin is carrying Shithead]
Navin
This is exciting. This is exciting to have this kind of life on the
road. A guy and a dog.
(there is honking from a truck passing by)
Driver
St. Louis?
Navin
No, Navin Johnson.
Driver
No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?
Navin
Oh! O.k., thanks!
Driver
Hop in.
(the truck pulls up to gas station)
Navin
This will be fine, right here. Thank you.
[At a gas station]
Harry
Where are you going?
Navin
To the bathroom.
Harry
You've got to have a key.
Navin
Can I get one?
Harry
My key is for customers who buy gas.
Navin
Oh, I'm buying gas.
Harry
I don't see no car.
Navin
I, I just need enough for my lighter.
Harry
Oh look at this. And my wife wanted me to stay home today. Look what I
would have missed! A complete fill up for a whole lighter. (Harry
points inside) On that wall.
Navin
Thank you.
(Navin is dragging a key chained to a wheel rim)
Harry
And don't walk away with it.
Navin
I won't.
[Bathroom at gas station]
(Harry is shouting through the door at Navin, who is using the
facilities)
Harry
Hey pop top! Hey silverbird! I'm talking to you.
Navin
Huh?
Harry
Listen, do you want to be president of Texaco oil?
Navin
Sure!
Harry
Then clean up the sink in there.
Navin
And then I'll be president of Texaco oil?
Harry
What ever happened to working your way up? He's not working for me ten
minutes and already he wants to be president of Texaco oil.
Navin
But sir, I don't work here.
Harry
Not even for $1.10 an hour?
[Various scenes of Navin working at the gas station]
[At Navin's old home]
(Dad and the family are reading a letter from Navin)
Navin
(his voice only) Dear folks, I got this great job in a gas station. I
don't want to say how much I'm getting, but lets just say its a lot.
I'm enclosing two dollars.
Father
That's a good boy.
[Back at the gas station]
Navin
(his voice only) It's a lot of fun working and Mr. Hartounian is
really nice. He's teaching me how to be impatient.
Harry
Navin!
Navin
(his voice only) Well, I gotta go now. What do you think I do? Write
letters all day?
Harry
Do you actually sleep here? (pointing to a dolly underneath a car)
Navin
Yes. Is that o.k.?
Harry
Come with me. I've got a beautiful little place for you to stay. Put
the light on. You're going to like it here.
[Back in the bathroom at the gas station]
Navin
Like it? I love it! This is fabulous! I mean, you've got the toilet
here! This must be the kitchen! (he looks in the stall) No. You know
what I could do is take this wall and just turn it this way so I've a
much larger living space plus, it will create a flow into the main
living area. It will be incredible. No, no, I'll just elevate this
about 6 inches, create the illusion of two rooms and yet still have
that flow. And I could take bookshelves and put it here, no, I'll put
the books right over here, that way I could be relaxing over here, the
customers could come in, use the urinals, I won't disturb them, they
won't disturb me, it...
Harry
Take it easy, it's not here. It's in here.
Navin
Oh. I couldn't afford this anyway.
[In a closet inside the bathroom]
Harry
Well, this is it.
Navin
It's perfect! I won't have to change this at all!
Harry
Take a look. No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables. It's a
masterpiece of understatement. I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger
bulb. I'll bring some sheets from the house, you'll be set for life!
Navin
How much is this gonna to cost me?
Harry
Nothing! When you're rich and famous, you'll send me a postcard.
Navin
Postcard huh? (he thinks...) O.k. It's a deal.
Harry
It's a deal.
[Outside the gas station]
Navin
What are those?
Harry
Step outside for a second darling.
(Harry's wife steps out of the car)
Harry
Navin, this is my wife Leanor. Leanor, this is Navin.
Navin
Pleased to meet you.
Harry
Navin, do you know why a woman of such pulplitude is married to a man
like me?
(Navin shakes his head)
Harry
Because I make a very comfortable living. Now this is the first time
I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday. If anything should happen to this
station this woman would leave me like a pbbt! In other words, there'd
be no more, uh... (makes hand gesture) Do you know what I'm talking
about?
Navin
Yes sir. No more (makes hand gesture).
Harry
So remember, guard this station with your life. Because my sex life is
in your hands.
[Outside the gas station - a large car has just pulled up]
Navin
I can fix those shocks.
Driver
No, we just want some gas, Muchacho.
Navin
O.k. but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card.
Driver
Ah...
Jerry
And all the cash is locked up?
Navin
Oh no, not locked up. We got a lot a cash, it's just that the banks
are closed and I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out
'cause I'm all alone here for the first time and I don't want anything
to happen and you know you flash this kind of wad in front of some
people and they'll kill you for it! So we got to have a credit card.
Driver
Hey Jerry? We got a credit card in there? Credit card?
(Navin is offered a smoke from guy in the back seat)
Navin
Oh, no thanks. I don't smoke. What kind of cigarette is that?
Backseat guy
Joint.
Navin
Joint? They don't make 'em very good.
Jerry
Mastercharge do?
Navin
Yeah that's fine. We take Mastercharge. Do you want a fill up, Mrs.
Neusebalm?
Jerry
Oh, I'm Mr. Neusebalm.
Driver
Yeah, that's his wife's card.
Navin
Wife's card huh?
Driver
Yeah, I'll vouch for him
Navin
O.k - as long as we got a voucher. (Navin checks the list of stolen
credit cards) Stolen!
(Navin goes inside the gas bar and dials the phone)
Navin
I got it! Just send a police car over. Mrs. Neusebalm's credit card! I
got the guys who stole it!
(the guys outside honk their horn)
Navin
Hold on they're calling me. I'll be right back.
(Navin runs back out to the car)
Navin
Yes?
Driver
Yeah, throw a couple of tires in the trunk - put it on the card -
radials.
Navin
O.k.
Jerry
Make 'em whitewalls!
Navin
Yes sir Mr. Neusebalm!
(Navin runs back to the phone)
Navin
I'm back, only its worse than I thought. They're not only sticking us
for gas but they're grabbing tires and everything! They're really
sacking it to us! Yeah, it's Hartounian's gas station at the corner...
Hang on a second, I don't want to get them suspicious. Don't worry, I
can keep 'em here. I saw this trick in a movie.
(the bell on the church next door rings)
Navin
Got your tires!
(Navin puts the tires in the trunk of the car and proceeds to tie a
rope from bumper of it to a water tap on the church)
Navin
Anything else?
Driver
Yeah.
Jerry
And we'll take the money you got in your pocket.
Navin
Oh sure, I'll just put it on the card. Hey guess what! You're out
eighth customer today - you won a free oven mitt! I'll go get it for
ya.
(Navin saunters back to phone)
Navin
Yeah, I'm back. Uh huh. Yeah, they're going to be here for a while.
Don't worry, I've rigged it.
(Meanwhile, back at the car...)
Driver
You guys want to stick around for an oven mitt?
Jerry
Nah.
(Back to Navin on the phone...)
Navin
Hang on just a second.
(the car starts to pull away, despite the rope. Only, it is dragging
the church behind it)
Navin
Um, they might not be here, uh, exactly, uh, when you get back, but,
uh, it's a blue Chevy two door and it will be going south on Hertatto
street. No, I can't make out the license number but, uh, it will be
pulling a small church. So any blue Chevy pulling a small church, I
figure that'd be the one. Yeah, uh huh.
[Later that day]
Harry
Believe me, I'm not mad at you. What's the matter with you? What'd I
loose, a couple of tires? But look at the bright side - you also lost
the church!
Navin
Gee Mr. Hartounian! Gee Mr. Hartounian!
(a phone book delivery truck drives up)
Navin
Oh, my God! (Navin takes the book.) Thank you.
(he rips through the book, looking for something)
Navin
The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry
Well I wish I could get so excited about nothing.
Navin
Nothing? Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I'm somebody
now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind
of spontaneous publicity, you're name in print, that makes people. I'm
in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[At Madman's house]
Madman
(he picks a name at random from the new phone book) Johnson, Navin, R.
Sounds like a typical bastard.
[Back at the gas station]
Madman
Die Navin R. Johnson. Bastard, random son of a bitch, typical run of
the mill bastard.
Navin
Fill 'er up?
Stan
Fill 'er up son and a little bit extra! Stan Fox buying gas.
Navin
Navin R. Johnson selling it sir!
Madman
Got ya, you lavish typical blocking of the view of a God damn average
victim bastard.
Navin
Check your oil?
Stan
Check away Navin R. Johnson!
Navin
Oil rag at the ready sir!
Stan
Lets check the oil together!
Navin
Yes sir, thank you sir!
Madman
Son of blocking bastard!
Stan
Looks good to me sir but I'd like your opinion! (Stan's glasses slip
off his nose) Damn these glasses! Looks good to me too! Hurry up son,
time's a wasting! I'm going to the john. Don't forget to check the
tires. Damn these glasses son!
Navin
Yes sir. I damn thee!
Stan
Damn! Damn these glasses!
Navin
Sir! I can fix those glasses!
Stan
You can? Well here, fix those suckers!
(Dramatic music plays as Navin is tossed the pair of glasses. He
catches them and runs inside to fix them.)
Madman
Shit!
(Stan comes back from the john)
Navin
Sir! Guess what - I fixed 'em. I was back there thinking, what causes
glasses to slip on and off and it's because when you take them on and
off you're always putting pressure on the frames like this - it causes
them to spread, so I put a little handle right here in the centre and
it puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs, just like the
tierods on a 72 Buick, plus I put a little nose brake on to prevent
slippage. Try it! Use the handle.
Stan
Well, I'll be. It works! You know, I make a pretty good living selling
shit like this. I tell you what: if I can develop this gizmo, I'll
split with you fifty fifty.
Navin
O.k.
Stan
How much do I owe you for the gas? I got a trunk load of shit to sell.
Navin
Twenty six, forty one.
Stan
Here's a triple six! Keep the change.
Navin
Wow thanks!
Madman
Dead centre - say you're prayers, half breed!
(cans begin to pop on the display Navin is standing next to)
Navin
Hey Harry, look at this! What's the matter with these cans?
Madman
Die milk face!
(more cans pop)
Navin
These cans are defective - they're springing leaks! Come over here and
look at this!
Harry
Listen, you better run for cover or you're going to spring a leak!
Navin
Huh?
Harry
We don't have defective cans, we have a defective person out there!
Navin
He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!
Madman
Die gas pumper!
(the glass on a pump breaks)
Navin
Get away from those cans!
(Navin runs inside the station)
Navin
There's cans in there too!
(the gas station window breaks)
navin
More cans!
Madman
Die you bastard!
Harry
He doesn't want to put holes in the cans, he want to put holes in you!
Navin
What?
Madman
Milk faced bastard!
Navin
Oh my God, I'm endangering your life! Cover me!
Harry
You're covered.
Madman
Suck my toes!
Navin
You stay here, I'll distract him.
(Navin pulls away in a car with no tires on, Madman follows behind)
Navin
Shithead, come on! Come on boy! Good boy!
(Navin is chased, and eventually, pulls into a carnival lot)
[A carnival lot]
(There is a sign on the fence that reads "Carnival personnel only")
Madman
Carnival personnel only. Damn.
Navin
Shithead come one!
Madman
You're not carnival personnel!
Navin
Come on boy, come on!
Madman
Hey, he's not carnival personnel!
Frosty
O.k Eddy, move it out.
(a truck pulls out, with Navin riding on the back)
[A carnival]
Navin
(his voice only) So mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back, he
said, "Don't be a putz. See the world. Me you've seen already. So I
got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser. Frosty my boss
tells me there's a big future in weight guessing. Enclosed is four
dollars and seventy five cents for my loving family. P.S. Is grandma
still farting?
Navin
For one dollar I'll guess you weight, your height, or your sex. The
most exciting thing on the midway. Imagine the thrill of getting your
weight guessed by a professional. You can blow up your cheeks, you can
stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How
about you sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube
Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. What'd I win?
Navin
Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the
stereo and on this side of the bicentennial glasses. Anything between
the ashtrays and the thimble. Anything in this three inches right in
here in this area. That includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
Carnival Rube
No sir! Come on honey! He thought he had a rube.
Navin
Frosty, I'm no good at this.
Frosty
Aw come on Navin, you're doing fine.
Navin
I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls and an ashtray
and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty
Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents
worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and
fifty cents.
Navin
Ah! It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off! Get your weight
guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a
chance and win some crap!
[At the motorcycle ring]
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen. May I draw your attention now to the left side
of the midway. Presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein doing her
special ride through the flaming ball of death.
(Applause from the crowd. Patty rides through the ball of death and
falls off her motorcycle, but gets up, a-o.k.)
[On the circus grounds]
Patty
Wanna guess my weight greeny?
Navin
I saw you last night, you were great!
Patty
Ya, right. Turn around.
Navin
What?
Patty
Turn around. Go like this. (she thrusts her hips) You're o.k. Give me
a bite of that corn dog.
Navin
What about germs?
Patty
Put a rubber on it. Get on. (they ride off on Patty's motorcycle)
Frosty
Don't you wear him out! He's got to work tonight!
[Inside Patty's trailer]
Navin
What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from
the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a
genuinely dirty person. What do I do with this? (Patty takes the
helmet and throws it across the trailer) Oh, you keep it there.
Where's your garbage? (Patty takes Navin's corn dog and throws it
across the trailer as well)
Patty
(she lies down on the bed) You know what I'd like to do?
Navin
What?
Patty
Guess your weight.
Navin
Hey, that would be interesting for me, no one has tried to guess my
weight! You see, I guess their weights...
Patty
Put your arms up.
Navin
This will give me a whole different perspective on this. (Patty
squeezes Navin's backside) Hey! You're really trying to be accurate!
Is it getting hot in here? Wait a minute - what's happening to my
special purpose?
Patty
What's your special purpose?
Navin
Well when I was a kid my mom told me... there goes my special purpose!
And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!
Patty
Today's the day!
Navin
(the whole trailer shakes) Hey, this is like a ride!
[On the porch of Navin's old house]
Grandmother
(reading a letter) My dear family, guess what. Today I found out what
my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my
whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I
intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be
able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty
promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin. (she stops reading)
And he's got the kisses here.
Father
That Patty must be a sweet girl.
Mother
God bless her.
[Back at the circus, on the ferris wheel]
Navin
Do you ever think we'd get to know each other well enough to kiss?
Patty
We don't have to. You're my man. It's like we're married. Look at my
ass.
Navin
Gosh! You have my last name tattooed right there under the j's! First
I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass! You know, I
bet more people see that then the phone book.
[On miniature train, Navin is driving]
Navin
End of the line! This is Engineer Fred. Come back to visit me again!
Marie
Billy! Billy!
Navin
Whoo, whoo!
Marie
Have you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a
t-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?
Navin
No, there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t-shirt that says
"Life Sucks" on it.
Marie
I left him at the Roundup. He said he wanted to go on the train.
(Billy has climbed on board the miniature train) There he is! Hey
Billy!
Navin
Hey, come back here!
(The trains begins to leave, Navin starts to run after it)
Navin
Pull the lever! Pull the lever! Hold that (Navin hands Marie his oil
can) and these (his gloves) and take my keys and hold my wallet!
(Navin runs down the track after the train and Billy)
Navin
(to Billy) Don't touch the Johnson bar! It'll explode the fuel casing!
And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one sixty, just turn that
little nut down there one quarter turn. There's a little screwdriver
there, just put it in and turn it one quarter. Now listen Billy, we're
going into a tunnel don't stand up because the clearance is only four
foot, uhh! (Navin hits his head on the tunnel) I'm o.k., I was
protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap! (the train slows to a
stop) Thank's for pulling my cap down.
Marie
Oh Billy, Billy! You scared me half to death. Thank you so much. It
would have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy. Oh, here's
your gloves and your oil can and your wallet, oh and this fell out.
(she hands Navin a condom)
Navin
Ha! Those guys...
Marie
Listen, what you did just now was very brave. Is there some way I
could repay you?
Navin
Repay me? I could never accept anything from you for saving your
child.
Marie
Oh, he's not my child. I'm just babysitting for a friend.
Navin
Oh, would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?
Marie
No.
Navin
(Navin kisses Billy) He's a real little dickens. (Marie kisses Navin,
then she leaves)
Navin
Oh Miss? I was, was just standing here right now, and I was wondering
if you wern't doing anything tomorrow, that maybe you might want to go
out with me?
Marie
What?
Navin
(he is mumbling) Maybe you might want to go out with me?
Marie
Are you trying to ask me for a date?
Navin
(mumbling) Well...
Marie
Once for now, twice for yes. (Navin stomps his foot twice)
Navin
O.k.
Marie
Um... you're so cute. How about three thirty tomorrow at the Roundup?
Navin
O.k.! Do you have any boyfriends?
Marie
Not really.
Navin
Are they crazy? If I was a fellow, I'd be around all the time.
Marie
Well, see if you can work it out. We have a date tomorrow.
Navin
What's your name?
Marie
Marie. What's yours?
Navin
I'll tell you tomorrow. It will give us something interesting to talk
about.
[Behind the merry-go-round]
Navin
Hi.
Patty
What's up hubby?
Navin
Oh, I got these for you. (Navin hands her a bunch of daisies)
Patty
Thanks. (Patty rips the flowers off and hands the stems back to Navin)
Navin, you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo?
Navin
Yeah...
Patty
Well I forgot to tell you something. This!
(She punches him, then throws him to the ground. She pulls out a
switchblade and holds it to his throat.)
Patty
That's what's going to happen to you if I ever catch you looking at
another broad.
Navin
Glad you told me.
Patty
And remember, I did this without anger and I stayed away from your
crotch.
Navin
Bye sweetie. (Patty leaves)
[Later...]
Navin
Hi!
Marie
What happened?
Navin
Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me, tried to get these
flowers. I got them for you. Kind of a traditional date deal.
Marie
Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they?
Navin
Uh, a couple of dozen roses.
Marie
Look like daisy stems.
Navin
What? That guy gipped me! Put daisy stems on my roses! Hey, look,
these hoodlums are dangerous. I think we outta get out of here before
she sees us.
Marie
She?
Navin
What?
Marie
She.
Navin
No, no, I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat
"she" or a hurricane "she".
Marie
Or a girl?
Navin
A girl. You can call a girl she. That's just one of the many things
you can call a she.
[In Navin's house - actually, the back of a trailer]
Marie
Why are you smiling?
Navin
You're the first person I've every had at my place.
Marie
You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin
Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they
tore it down.
Marie
Good pizza. (the two of them are eating pizza in a cup)
Navin
Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He
ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all
over to eat this.
(they exchange glances)
Navin
You know, you have beautiful skin. May I?
Marie
Yes.
(he squishes her cheeks)
Navin
So smooth yet flexible.
Marie
I take after my mother's side of the family.
Navin
It's amazing the way it just snaps back like that. Amazing. Are you a
model?
Marie
No. I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin
Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable! That's impressive! It
must be tough to handle weightlessness! Can I ask you a personal
question?
Marie
What is it?
Navin
Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you.
Marie
Kind of.
Navin
I know this is our first date but, do you think the next time you make
love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie
Well I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin
That's too bad. Do you think it's possible that someday you can make
love with me and think of him?
Marie
Who knows. Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin
I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.
(Navin licks her face)
Marie
Do you have a girlfriend?
Navin
Does it matter?
Marie
Well, I'd like to think you were available.
Navin
Oh, I'm available.
(Patty rides into the trailer on her motorcycle)
Patty
Did you forget about my ass?
Navin
No, I've been thinking about it! She tattooed my name on her ass. Not
just my name, a lot of names and funny sayings too! She's got one up
here that says "Slippery when wet".
Marie
How do you know that?
Patty
What is she, some great piece of ass?
Navin
She's no great piece of ass! I mean uh, hey, wait a minute, wait a
minute. We're all adults here, lets reason this out. Now Marie is the
type of person that if you got...
Patty
If Miss Class doesn't get her buns outta here, I'm going to drive this
bike up her butt!
Navin
...while Patty tends to be more direct.
Patty
And as for you farm boy, we're married. (Patty punches Navin) And as
for you, cupie doll... (Marie punches Patty)
Navin
You protected me, you must really like me!
[On a beach at night]
(Navin is playing the ukulele, him and Marie are singing)
I know, I know,
You belong to somebody new,
But tonight, you belong to me.
Although, although,
We're apart, you're part of my heart,
And tonight, you belong to me.
Way down by the stream,
How sweet it would seem,
Once more just to breathe in the moonlight my honey...
I know, I know,
With the dawn, that you will be gone,
But tonight, you belong to me.
Just to little ol' me.
(Marie brings out a coronet, she plays a solo, then the song ends)
Navin
You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest
fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this
coronet, right through here, through these vales, right along this
tube, and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie
Why didn't you?
Navin
I didn't want to get spit on me.
(They almost kiss, well, sort of... Marie is resisting him.
Eventually, he gives up.)
Navin
(out of breath) Was it good for you too?
Marie
I really do want to kiss you, but I'm afraid.
Navin
I would have kept my tongue in!
Marie
No, I mean, I'm afraid if I kiss you that I will fall in love with
you.
Navin
You will?
Marie
And I don't want to.
Navin
You don't?
Marie
My mother sacrificed everything to send me through cosmetology.
Navin
She did?
Marie
She has this dream for me to be somebody.
Navin
She does?
Marie
To marry someone with power, great vision, someone with a special
purpose.
Navin
I've got one! I've got a special purpose!
Marie
You do?
Navin
Yes, it's fantastic! It's great! It's unbelievable! And I was afraid
to tell you about it - your mother's going to love me!
[Navin and Marie are in bed, Marie is asleep]
Navin
Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you
almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always
been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit,
and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around
anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I
know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me
it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a
week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed
like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the
fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day
and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening,
when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the
evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and
that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on
into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the
sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I
can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've
decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to
marry me, if that's o.k. with you. Just don't say anything. You've
made me very happy.
[In the bathtub]
(Navin is in the bathtub, Marie is at the desk, writing)
Navin
(singing) Went to Lars singing, you agreed, in ringing notes of
harmony.
Marie
(singing) I may not have the best way, but when I speak in song I say
it better...
Navin
This warm melody always calls to me...
Marie
Though my worries may go away, it's my hope the song will stay just to
help when I first sing... goodbye.
Navin
Honey, whose the happiest guy in the world?
Marie
You are!
Navin
That's right! And who's the happiest gal?
(Shithead barks)
Navin
That's right!
(Marie slips a note under the door to the bathroom.)
Navin
Honey, guess what - I wrote a song for you this morning.
(Navin is singing)
I'm picking out a thermos for you.
Not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos that you can buy,
With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in!
I'm picking out a thermos for you,
And maybe a barometer too,
And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely,
A rear end thermometer too.
(Marie is about to leave)
Navin
Honey? There's a question I've been wanting to pop, but I was afraid
you'd say no, but this seems like the right time and place, so here
goes. Honey, will you marry me?
(Shithead barks)
Navin
Yahoo! Come on, lets seal it with a kiss! Get in the tub with me!
(Shithead jumps in the bathtub) Not you Shithead, where's Marie?
(Shithead barks)
Navin
What letter?
(Shithead barks, Navin picks up the wet letter off the floor.)
Navin
(reading) Dear Nabbbin, Rouuu here eeerrr I searrrr forward to tell
mmmuuuhhhuuurrr to be... Marie! Marie! Shithead, come here! Good idea!
[Outside the house]
(Navin still isn't dressed, he is covering his front with Shithead)
Navin
Marie, Marie, why did you leave me? I couldn't read the letter, it was
too blurry! Here boy!
(Navin picks up another little dog to cover his backside)
Navin
Marie! Marie! Marie! Where are you Marie? Marie? Where are you Marie?
Marie!
[On a dusty road]
Navin
It's not going to be easy Shithead. We've been together a long time,
but I've got to head down that road and there'll be times out there
when there won't be enough food for two and I won't be able...
(Shithead runs off)
Navin
Hey! Wait a minute! I'm not done yet! Come back, I'm not finished! I
have some more to tell you!
(Shithead comes back)
Navin
You'll find a family who can give you a real home with loving kids and
a warm fireplace. Now I never liked you anyway, now get out of here.
O.k., o.k. you win, you can go with me.
[Further on down the road]
(Navin is dragging Shithead behind him)
Navin
(his voice only) So mom, with my faithful dog leading the way, I'm out
to win the hand of Marie. You'd love her mom, she looks just like you.
Except she's white and blond. So to win her back, I vowed to make
something of myself. I settled in Los Angeles and took the money I
saved and rented my first apartment.
Mother
(reading) Things couldn't be worse. I can only send you forty nine
cents this week...
Father
That's a good boy.
Mother
(reading) ...as I've lost all my jobs. I've been eating well though,
as the hospital gives out free meals of orange juice and cookies and
all I have to do is give them a pint of blood. I ate there all week,
three times a day, and I decided to quit when I cut myself shaving and
nothing came out but air. I have to go now, as someone is staring at
me though binoculars. Your loving son, Navin.
[Back at Navin's apartment]
(Madman from the gas station is looking at Navin through binoculars)
Navin
It's him! Him?! What's him doing here?! Shithead! Shithead! Attack,
attack, attack! (Shithead attacks) Not me! Shithead!
(A big chase - Navin throws the popcorn he was eating at Madman who is
now running after him. Finally, Navin is cornered and Madman
approaches...)
Madman
You're going to have to sign for this.
(he hands a letter to Navin)
Navin
I have to sign before you shoot me?
Madman
I'm not going to shoot you.
Navin
Why not?
Madman
Well, that was the old me. I was a little mixed up at that time. I had
a bad marriage, and I just gave up smoking. I'm o.k. now. I'm a
private detective. (Navin hands back the signed card) So long.
Navin
Thank you.
(Navin opens up the letter and reads)
Navin
(reading) Dear Mr. Johnson, Please call on me, suite 2655 at the
Century Plaza Tower, Los Angeles. I have something of great importance
to impart to you.
[Stan Fox's office]
Stan
Navin! Remember me?
Navin
No, but don't feel bad.
Stan
Fox! Stan fox! Remember, at the gas station? Boy, you are one hard guy
to find! You don't remember me! The glasses handle - look!
Navin
Oh yeah, my glasses handle.
(Navin reaches for a pair of glasses)
Stan
Use the Opti-grab.
Navin
Opti-grab?
Stan
Yeah, we call it Opti-grab.
Navin
Opti-grab.
Stan
"Opti" from the eye, and "grab" from where you grab it.
Navin
Opti-grabbing it!
Stan
Navin, look we're in business! Fifty fifty. Just like we said. Right
in here, I have your first cheque for two hundred and fifty big ones.
Navin
Two fifty?
Stan
That's just the beginning. There's going to be more! Lots more!
Navin
Can I cash this?
Stan
You can do whatever you like, it's your money! It's a cashiers check!
Navin
Wow! I can use money!
[At a bank]
Navin
Yes, I have a cashiers check, I'd like to cash it.
Bank Manager
How much is it for?
Navin
Two hundred and fifty big ones. Two hundred and fifty dollarinies. Two
hundred and fifty donuts.
(the bank manager opens up the check and sees the amount - it is a
little more than two hundred and fifty donuts)
Bank Manager
You want to cash this?
Navin
Well, I could take fifty of the donuts and deposit the other two
hundred beauties.
Bank Manager
Take a seat, Mr., ah, Johnson. I will need two pieces of
identification.
Navin
Ah yes, I have my temporary drivers licence, and my astronaut
application form. I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but
the date of birth. I didn't get the job.
Bank Manager
Everything's in order, if you'll just endorse this, there.
Navin
I need a pen.
Bank Manager
A pen.
Navin
Right here. Thank you.
Bank Manager
And uh, fill out this deposit slip, right there.
Navin
Alright, endorsing and filling out the deposit slip. Two hundred and
fifty thousand dollars.
(Navin is a little surprised at his new-found wealth, in fact, a lot
surprised)
[Back at the gas bar]
Harry
(reading) Dear Harry, guess what. I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams,
but I haven't forgotten our deal. Here's that postcard I promised you.
I bet you thought you'd never get it huh! Your friend forever, Navin.
Promised me a postcard, and he sent me a postcard. The kid has
integrity.
[At Navin's new house]
(Headline of the newspaper "Young inventor strikes it rich". Navin is
carrying in a large painting of a reclined nude. The phone rings.)
Navin
(talking in phone) Y-ello, yes? Who? Mrs. Kimble? You're Marie's mom!
You read about me in the paper? Yeah, I've been trying to contact her,
I don't know where she is. I'd give anything to find out. Well that
sounds a little high... how about seventy five dollars? O.k., o.k.
what is it? The May Company in Los Angeles. Shithead - I know where
she is! I know where she is!
[At the May Company, Los Angeles]
Marie
Now doesn't that feel good?
Customer
Mm hum.
Marie
There now, we are complete. Putting on Mascoderm just took a few short
minutes and when we peel it off, he will look twenty years younger.
Wife
Oy vey!
Marie
Yes, exactly. Now we'll let this dry. In the meantime, we can go and
pick out an eye shadow and lip tint for him. Now everyone, just follow
me this way, because this is a very interesting line, and I think
you'll enjoy this.
(they move on to a different part of the store)
Marie
With your husbands coloring, a deep tone would bring out his lips, and
this, "Nature Beige" will feature his eyes just wonderfully.
Wife
Let's try everything.
(Meanwhile, Navin has given the man some money and taken his place.
Navin has somehow applied Mascoderm to himself)
Irving
What? (as Navin waves a bill at him)
(the crowd moves back to where Irving was, Navin is)
Marie
Ah, let's go unmask Irving. Everyone, back this way. We are now going
to peel off our Mascoderm. Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer, and
he'll look like a different man. You'll be amazed. Get ready Irving!
(she peels off the mask to reveal Navin)
Crowd
Ohhh!
Marie
Jeez, this shit really worked! Navin, oh my sweetheart!
Wife
What are you doing to my husband you Ms. Blondie! Irving, Irving, are
you crazy?!
[At Navin's house]
Navin
(reading) Dear mom, the big news is Marie and I were married. We
couldn't wait. Luckily we found someone at the Hollywood View
Apartments who could marry us immediately. He was a certified priest.
(actually, he is a voodoo doctor) We were both glad we had a religious
wedding. Money hasn't changed our lives that much, our one little
extravagance is a live-in butler and housekeeper.
Navin
Another check?
Hobart
Ah ha! Just as I thought, look at that. Nearly three quarters of a
million dollars. Sir, one would think that with that kind of income
you could buy a larger house with proper servants quarters.
[At Navin's new house]
Navin
(reading) Well mom, remember my dream of owning a big house on a hill
and how I used to wish for a living room with a plaster lion in it
from Mexico and how I always wanted a large twenty four seat dining
table in a dining room with original oil paintings by Michelangelo and
Rembrandt and remember how I always wanted a rotating bed with pink
chiffon and zebra stripes and remember how I used to chit chat with
dad about always wanting a bathtub shaped like a clam and an office
with orange and white stripes and remember how much I wanted an all
red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel and how I wanted a disco
room with my own disco dancers and a party room with fancy friends and
remember how much I wanted a big backyard with Grecian statues,
s-shaped hedges and three swimming pools? Well, I got that too. Marie
and I are getting along swell, but I've got a lot to learn about
handling my money and banks. You have to be careful. Poor Hobart.
Hester took some money out of her savings account, and had to pay a
substantial penalty for early withdrawal. (Hester is shown outside
being shot at by a firing squad) Enclosed is this weeks check. Love,
Navin.
Navin
Sorry about your wife Hobart.
Hobart
Federal regulations sir. Oh, dear me. Your wife has given you another
gold chain. I nearly forgot. Ah, I suppose I'm still not quite over
Hester's death.
Navin
Well, these things take time.
Hobart
Yes, so I'm told. Oh, and here's your drink sir, like the one you saw
in the magazine.
Navin
Well, you got the bamboo umbrella and everything. See that? (he pulls
the magazine out of the drawer) "Be somebody".
Hobart
Very good sir, very good. Oh, there's some charity people here to see
you sir.
Navin
Mo, sent them away! There's a lot of people more deserving than me.
Hobart
Ah, but these people want you to give.
Navin
Oh, o.k.
(a charity man walks in)
Father
My name is Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordova.
Navin
Father, you seem like a religious man. How can I help you?
Father
By giving me three minutes of your time so that you can see some film
of a great ugliness that is spreading throughout my country.
Navin
Oh God, I bet it's disgusting. Hobart?
Hobart
Yes sir?
Navin
Are you over your grief enough yet to dim the lights?
Hobart
Oh, ha ha, of course sir. One cannot mourn forever.
Father
You will not believe what you are about to see; that human beings
could have sunk so low that they can take pleasure to do this to
another of Gods creatures. I hope you have a strong stomach senor.
Navin
Roll the ugliness.
(A scene in a Mexican bar - cat juggling!! Navin is shocked. The
juggler looks suspiciously like Navin, but rest assured, according to
the movies credits, Steve Martin plays Navin, and Pig Eye Jackson is
credited as the cat juggler.)
Navin
Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a god that would let
this happen? How much do you want?
[Outside the house]
Boss
If your initial investment is a half a million dollars and your
apartments are up in March, you should have x amount of dollars
rolling in by the end of this year.
Navin
Ah, x amount. That's very good isn't it.
Con Man
Not only that, you can depreciate the entire building for the full
amount!
Navin
Depreciate! Hum, very good. I like that.
Con Man
And, we found a way to get around this fair housing crap!
Navin
Ah, good. Getting around the crap! That's good!
Con Man 2
By keeping the rents high, we're going to appeal to a select class of
people.
Navin
Select class. Very, very good.
Boss
We'll keep the eggplants out!
Navin
Ah good! We don't want any vegetables.
Con Man
Na, na. The jungle bunnies!
Navin
Oh of course! They'll eat the vegetables!
Con Man
Boss, could I talk to him? We're going to keep out the niggers!
Navin
The what?
Boss
The niggers! We'll keep 'em out.
Navin
Sir, you are talking to a nigger!
(Navin practices his karate on them all, of course, he's a blackbelt.
The last man standing, presents a bit of a problem though. Navin hurts
his foot.)
[In a fancy restaurant]
Marie
Don't be so hard on yourself. How could you know that was Iron Balls
McGinty?
Waiter
Would monsieur care for another bottle of Chateau Latour?
Navin
Ah yes, but no more 1966. Lets splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The
freshest you've got - this year! No more of this old stuff.
Waiter
Oui monsieur.
Navin
He doesn't realise he's dealing with sophisticated people here. Marie,
now just stay calm. Stay calm. Don't look down, don't look down! Look
up! Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, o.k.! Waiter there
are snails on her plate. Now get them out of here before she sees
them! Look away, just look away, keep your eyes that way! You would
think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the
snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see
the food! Now take those away and bring us those melted cheese
sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!
Waiter
Oui monsieur.
Navin
Can you believe this? First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for
the wine, and now snails on the food! Two boobs! That's what he takes
us for!
[Back at Navin's house]
(Navin is driving a golf cart)
Navin
Hi honey!
Marie
Hello babe!
Navin
Everything o.k.?
Marie
Remember how you told me to take unnecessary lessons? Well, I just
took a lesson!
Teacher
And a very good student too. Adios senora.
Marie
Adios.
Navin
You took bullfighting?
Marie
No, knife throwing!
Navin
Knife throwing's great!
Marie
And I can almost do it!
Navin
Well let me see your stuff!
(they walk over to where Marie was practising)
Navin
This is very good for a beginner. This is exciting! I love this! Come
on!
Marie
Turn sideways.
Navin
O.k.
Marie
And put a balloon in your mouth. Do you have a balloon?
Navin
Ah, no, oh wait, yes!
Marie
O.k. is it in your mouth?
Navin
Uh huh! Now throw them good and hard so they stick!
Marie
O.k.! One, two, three, four-five-six! (she throws and hits his pants)
Oh, I missed.
Navin
Honey, you did good!
Marie
I can't do anything right!
Navin
Honey, you worry too much. Come on, lets plot this over and look at it
another way. Why do you realize that in the past two short months we
have acquired the sophistication it takes some people a lifetime to
acquire? Come on, lets toast!
[In Navin's disco room]
(lots of people, dancing, disco music...)
Partier
Everybody, Navin's on t.v.! Marie, it's Navin!
Marie
Oh honey, here's that interview you did on t.v.! Shut off the music!
Shut it off! Shut off the music! Everyone we're going to watch Navin
on the t.v.! Now sit down, sit down on the floor! Turn around...
Announcer
American Time News Magazine turns its probing eye on Navin Johnson
inventor of the Opti-grab. That little glasses handle that sold ten
million units in a few short months. Mr. Johnson you've become a
millionaire overnight. Who are you?
Navin
Who is Navin Johnson? Navin is a complex personality, as are most of
the small breed of modern day renaissance millionaires.
Announcer
We had planned to show you the entire Johnson interview, however when
we returned to our studio, our news department informed us of a
sensational development in the Johnson story. It seems that an irate
group of citizens led by the celebrity, Mr. Carl Reiner has filed a
class action suit against Mr. Johnson and his Opti-Grab. Here's what
Mr. Reiner had to say at a press conference.
Carl Reiner
When Opti-grab came out, I thought it was the greatest thing ever, and
I bought a pair. And this is the result. (Mr. Reiner removes his pair
of dark glasses to reveal...) This little handle is like a magnet,
your eyes are constantly drawn to it and you end up cock-eyed. Now as
a director I am constantly using my eyes and this Opti-grab device has
caused irreparable harm to my career. Let me show you a clip from my
latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling cut
at the proper time. (scene of a little red sportscar speeding off a
cliff. Reiner yells "Cut!" just after the car goes over the edge) If I
had yelled cut on time, those actors would be alive today. That's why
I am spearheading the ten million dollar class action suit against Mr.
Johnson and his irresponsible selling of a product he didn't even test
on prisoners. Thank you.
Partier
Looks like the parties over.
Navin
Hey wait a minute, where are you going?
Partier
I'm going to get in touch with that Reiner guy.
(everyone leaves the party)
Navin
I've got some change upstairs. We'll get some potato chips, we'll make
it a less formal thing. Honey, why the gloom? It's not the end of the
rainbow! I'm Navin Johnson, inventor. This is no big deal - this is a
parking ticket to me, only instead of five dollars, it's ten million.
Marie
I don't care about losing all the money, it's losing all the stuff!
Navin
We're not going to lose the stuff, this is America. We're going to
receive a fair trial from an impartial jury.
[Inside a court house]
(the judge and jury are all cock-eyed)
Jury Foreman
Your honor, we the jury find for the plaintiff.
Judge
I award to Mr. Reiner and the other 9,987,652 plaintiffs the full
amount of the suit. Court is adjourned.
Marie
Navin!
Navin
(who is drinking) Honey, can't you see I'm drinking?
[In Navin's office, at his house]
(Navin is still drinking)
Navin
Pay to the order of Mrs. Wilbur Stark, one dollar and nine cents! (he
licks the envelope closed) Pay to the order of Iron Balls McGinty, one
dollar and nine cents! (Marie walks in) Why are you crying and why are
you wearing that old dress?
Marie
Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way
we were.
Navin
What was it?
Marie
The Way We Were. I get it. We've hit bottom.
Navin
No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet! I got a
ways to go. And I'm gonna to bounce back, and when I do, I'm going to
buy a diamond so big it's going to make you puke!
Marie
I don't wanna puke! I don't want wealth! I just want you like you used
to be! What happened to that man?
Navin
Me? What happened to the girl I believed in? The girl I fell in love
with? The girl that believed in me? Well, there's plenty of places I
can go where people believe in me!
Marie
Well go! The sooner you're out of my life, the sooner I can go back to
being the girl in this little flowered dress that you sang the thermos
song to.
Navin
Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need
this stuff, (he pushes all of the letters off the desk), and I don't
need you. I don't need anything except this (he picks up the ashtray)
and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need
this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and
the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The
ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I
need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the
remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this
paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need.
And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I
need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and
the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think
I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I
need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine
and the chair.
[Outside the house]
Navin
And I don't need one other thing except my dog. (Shithead growls) Well
I don't need my dog.
(Various scenes of Navin as he travels along, carrying his remote
control, his paddle ball, his matches, his lamp, his chair, his
magazine, but not his dog. Eventually, Navin spots a woman carrying a
red and white thermos. He trades everything he has for the thermos.)
[Beside a theater (from the opening of the movie)]
Navin
So that's it. It's an old story, one you've probably heard before. But
I never thought it would happen to me.
(a station wagon pulls up, the driver yells out the window)
Driver
Hey, any of you bums ever heard of Navin R. Johnson?
Navin
I've heard of him!
Driver
Born in Mississippi?
Navin
Uh-huh.
Driver
Invented the Opti-grab?
Navin
I was just telling these guys! (he points at the camera)
Father
Son!
Navin
Daddy!
Mother
Navin, my baby!
Sister
Navin, how did we find you?
Navin
Taj!
Taj
Don't kiss me!
Marie
I called them the night you left.
Navin
How'd you find me?
Father
Well, I don't know - this is the first place we looked!
Mother
We're taking you home, and you're going to live with us.
Taj
It turns out Dad's a financial genius!
Father
All I did was take the money you sent home and embarked on a periodic
investment in a no-load mutual fund.
Taj
He leveraged his ass deep in to soy beans and cocoa futures.
Navin
(to Marie) I picked out this thermos for you. I'd kiss you but I'm so
dirty.
Marie
Dirt doesn't bother me. But the smell does! Oh, Navin!
Father
Son, uh, you better get in the back with the dog until we can get you
hosed down.
Marie
I love you Navin.
Navin
I love you too.
Taj
Somebody open a window.
Father
Open all the windows!
[The old homestead]
Navin
(his voice only) I was so glad to be going home. I remember those days
when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house.
But things change and with all the additions to the family we had to
tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a
bigger one.
(everyone is singing and dancing on the porch)
Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton,
Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of hay...
The end.