BodyMind Map--- Revamped... Going beyond the suffering map

[megan]

Body Map

05/25/11

09/19/11

02/14/12

05/27/12

06/18/12

07/01/12

07/17/12

Head: my mind, balance, comparing, my ego, desire, thinking, control, suppression, the call to action, mental energy, motivation, analysis

Dandruff: nerves, stress, over tired, excess energy, zoning out, overwhelmed, upset, detoxification/renewal 

Pimples on my face:

-down the center of my face: this happens most often. Trying too hard for perfection, feeling unbalanced. Usually the pimples are a little off center to the left (my feminine side)

-around my mouth: connected to digestion… When I eat poorly, or have guilt about what I am eating. If I eat things that I am allergic to or dislike. Stress especially connected to maternal figures (leaving my female co-teacher, I looked at her face and we had pimples in the same place on our chins)

-on my nose: right before I menstruate I feel really emotional and blocked up. My nose is the area of my face that stick out the farthest and I think I have blockages in my connectivity, my reaching out to others, and thus I have pimples. On the tip of my nose I get zits sometimes. I had one very recently, but I wasn’t aware enough to catch anything other than that it is a repeating location.

-on my forehead: When I feel stressed out I use my forehead as a canvas for showing that I am not okay.

Headache, especially frontal/LEFT temporal area: suppression, not breathing deeply enough (maybe subconscious on bad air quality days), sexual repression

Headache, especially frontal/LEFT temporal area: still suppressing, the feeling hadn’t come for so long, but about two days ago I felt it again, so I decided it needed to be added. If I watch it, it becomes more acute, if I distract myself or focus on other things, like my breath it staves off and sometimes disappears completely.

Eyes: left- seeing that which is feminine in me… Often I notice it when I get something is my eye as I don’t want to see what is in front of me… The same is true with my right eye. Seeing what I desire; my minds eye… Perspective

Eye tick: suppression, not wanting to see what is happening at the time, the immediate situation or how I perceive it at that moment.

Weakened eye sight: I don’t want to see things sometimes. This creates a pattern in me and my eyes start to weaken because it gives me an excuse for not seeing things.

Ears: Hearing and listening. My ability to hear background noise is acute, but conversation is difficult, especially if more than one person is talking… My minds ears. Hearing what I want… Left- more prone to ear infections… Less able to listen… Itchier. Right- More open and receptive.

Fluid in my ears: Similar to my eyes, when I have fluid in my ears, my hearing is impaired and it gives me an excuse not to listen.

Nose: I notice my sexual repression through my nose in its itchiness (after the Tantra workshop)… Left nostril- Usually more open… The right side of my nose is covered in three pimples right now…

Mouth: Communication… Sharing, and expressing… Eating, kissing. The left side usually has a pimple under it, connected to allergy to the food I eat…I smile more with the left side. The right side has a scar from when I was little and got chicken pox. It usually has less allergy problems.  

Lips: drinking, talking, eating, kissing, singing, humming, thinking, stress, anger, silliness, effort. Before I get sick my lips start to feel dry, usually if I put on chapstick and start to drink more water, I can abate the illness.

Teeth: My teeth have been an issue for me for my whole life. They are very sensitive to my emotional state and reactive. I tend to get cavities after I have gone through emotional trauma. Chewing, anger. When I am angry I chew gum. When I am happy too I chew gum. When I am bored also. I often find that when I am eating, I want to stop chewing and I usually swallow before I have sufficiently chewed.

Tongue: Communicating, tasting, playfulness, expression‎, sensory perception, sexuality, effort. Usually during yoga practice I find my tongue pushing into the roof of my mouth. When I found out that it was a bandha relaxed a little more, but it is also a way that I carry stress.

Jaw: Chewing, talking, stress holding, anger… left-cracks daily and looser than the right side. Right- tighter and less likely to pop. There are usually tight muscles along my jaw line.

Back of my hair line: left- right-

Neck: left- right-

Neck pain on the RIGHT: not wanting to see the person who is on my right, usually authority figure, has happened 2 times since being in Korea

Neck pain on the LEFT side of my neck, next to my C7 (the lowest bone or the Cervical spine): It is connected to feeling burdened. It is not a constant pain, but it is deep and usually dull with almost a pulsation of a stronger pain that hovers occasionally.

Chest: Openness, receptivity, love, courage, humbleness, honesty, and breathing. Through yoga I have felt so much expansion in this area. My breath has deepened and softened. My ability to appreciate and give love has expanded. There is an expansive feeling here. Last week in yoga we did a deep chest opener. Like reverse three legged dog, and I went deeper than I was comfortable and came out, but the feeling in my chest was so powerful and I felt insight about my heart and availability and receptivity.

Heart: feeling, loving, being, relaxation. Okayness. When I have experienced moving from head to heart there has been a heavy calmness and a certainty that things are as they are. There is acceptance. Warmth and love without chaos or a desirous passion.

Chest acne: in spring I notice every year that my chest breaks out. I then touch it more and it gets worse. This is connected to my diet because I tend to eat more unhealthy food like ice cream.

Right shoulder: Apprehension, burdens, leadership, doubt. My right shoulder is stiffer than my left and where I use a lot of control because of fear that I hold from my past. The purse holding shoulder ;)

Left shoulder: Willingness, effort, hope, compassion. My left shoulder tends to be what I use to support myself and others.

Tight RIGHT shoulder: holding on to the past, my brother pulled that arm out of its socket 2 times and since then I have babied it and pitied it and been overly cautious.

Both shoulders: feel tight when I come into arch pose. After hurting my back over a month ago, arch is a pose I have avoided.

Arms: left-holding, reserve, waiting. I use my left arm less actively and less readily than the right side… Right- eating, writing, taking pictures, catching, bouncing a ball, activity… It is the arm that I send out to the world.

Elbow: Support, stability… When I don’t practice cobra for a long time, coming back to it, usually my elbows feel sore because I rely on them to support me instead of using my back/torso.

Wrist: Connecting, supporting… I use my wrist to do almost everything. They keep my hands connected to my body and allow me to handstand, to find balance, to pick up my nieces…

Popping wrists: My pop and crack a lot. I received a massage from 북명쌤 once and he said that I have wrist issues in my right wrist and after that I started feeling pain. Recently I have occasional sharp sensations like pressure.

Hands: I have dry hands and especially thumbs. When I was stressed in high school I experienced dry cracking hands (like eczema), but hadn’t had a problem until I fasted. During the fast my thumbs became very dry.

Possibly clogged milk duct on RIGHT breast: Rejecting sexuality and sexual organs and rejecting the nurturing aspect of myself, towards myself… It has gotten a little smaller and I am less focused on it.

Stomach: Stress, sadness, love, anger, centering… When I feel love my stomach is full and there is no pain. When I am sad, I feel it on the left side of my stomach, and when I feel anger I feel it on the top right side. Stress makes my whole stomach tense. Core. My 6 month old niece was lying on my stomach and while our belly buttons were touching I had a strong sense of shared energy and the power housed in this area.

Pain at the top right of my stomach, right under my rib: Anger. I thought it was a pre-ulcer (maybe it is), but Tan or GiKyoung said, “Why are you angry?” once when it came and I thought and then we danced and did gibberish and when we finished the pain was gone… Thus I think it is suppressed anger. Tonight during CST I felt the connection to my bones, emotions, muscles, nerves, sensations… It made me smile and even feel a rush of a desire to laugh. The anger felt almost silly.

Mid-back: Support, stability, I use my mid-back to compensate for my lower back. 

Pinched middle RIGHT back: Usually comes if I don’t do Kapalabhati for a long time and then do it really intensively. My desire to be perfect meeting reality, I want all of these things for my body-mind, but I can never be the things of my mind, so my body just sends out a warning when I push too hard or a worry. I sometimes day dream a lot when I first start doing Kapalabhati after a long break, so maybe I am pushing those worries into that space on my back, as though it were a backpack for my emotional garbage. That feels more accurate.

Sore middle RIGHT back: I did a posture with ego and not awareness. From that time the right side of my back has hurt. It is connected to my relationship with myself and trust. 

Lower back: A place I avoid, I keep it soft by not using it if I don’t have to. This creates a love handle affect. It also makes coming into many postures difficult. The lower back could be a space for support, but I think I deny the emotional area of my two lowest chakras (dealing with security, sexuality, money, etc.)

Sore lower back: Emotional. It happens usually when I start to push people away, but want to be chased after. It is like an excuse to be touched.

Sore LEFT sacrum: If I sit for a long time leaning to one side I get a kind of cramp, but then I focus on it and pour my emotions into it. Folding forward becomes difficult and it is definitely connected to my intestines, constipation, and holding on… Talking to my mom/sister/Jenny/Juj usually helps it melt away. Baddha Konasana. This posture brings out this muscle issue. I clench and release my buttocks in ways that cause this pain to come. I am not supporting myself.

Intestines: Holding on is my large intestine. Issues with my outward moving power is my small intestine. I tense to oscillate between holding and rejecting. Power. When I have either diarrhea or constipation, I feel weaker.

Sacrum: Relationship, trust, connecting. There is a muscle that connects my sacrum to my pelvis that is achy. It feels worse when I contract it or twist it… I first connected to this feeling in Baddha Konasana.

Hip: Femininity, maternal feelings, security, strength, grounding…

Tight LEFT hip: My left hip is tight, especially when I twist it towards the right. That action puts pressure on my intestines in a much more dynamic manner than if I twist using the opposite leg. When I twist deeply it offers an amazing intestine massage that I avoid via pain and backing off, so as not to catalyze and to allow myself to keep holding on physically to my garbage, and emotionally too.

Popping LEFT hip: My left hip has started to pop when I do leg lifts. Tan says I need more fat. It feels like my hip pops out and into place when I move my leg up and down. It is connected to my current state of fluctuating between embracing and rejecting love.

Bladder: relief, release, putting out, detox, letting go.

Uterus: femininity, life, connection to nature, balance, and purification. My menstruation is really regular and it is a marker that is hugely comforting and reaffirming of my life-giving nature. It balances me and allows to me to remember how much a part of nature I am.

Vagina: Sexuality, life, desire, fear, anger, trust… The path that gives life. The place that gives Earthly pleasure.

Constipation: Holding on to the past, to emotions, fearing time… I am prone to constipation. When I was little I was usually constipated. After I moved out of my house, my movements became regular, with a few times a year of regression. I was really regular until after my mom came to visit Korea. Now I am once again struggling with my bowels. I am not drinking a lot of liquids and I am eating a lot of bread. That coupled with missing my mom and not being present is creating a toxic situation.

I was constipated for 6 days after finishing the detox that I did. During that time I was also finishing at my school. I could feel myself holding on to all of these memories and emotions instead of letting them go. I watched more and accepted that this is what my mind was doing. On the 6^th day I stopped worrying about it and released.

At camp Tanmatra mentioned that pain or hardness on the lower left abdomen can be connected with ones out-going energy/power. I have had one spot that I feel blocked that has been stimulated during CST and massage. Even if my back or stomach is touched, this spot is stimiulated.

Leg: Strength, movement, passiveness.

Thigh: The right front upper thigh is stronger. The left back thigh (hamstring) is looser than the right. Strength, femininity, ability.

Knee: Felxibilty, durability, humbleness, endurance.

RIGHT and LEFT leg as I stand up and fold forward in Sun Salutation: I use my RIGHT leg more than my left and feel a rocking back and forth when I come up and down. Inabalance.

Front of both of my hip flexors: are tight and my right usually pinches. This is about opening up and letting go. When I feel a lack of control I curl up more and hold on tighter here. This is the area I avoid. This past week Tan had us use this area a lot and it has gotten a little stronger and I feel more awareness and have more will over the area. The tightness that I always avoid is more present too. I feel on the verge of breaking through.

Tight hamstrings: Relationships. When I am trying to control situations and not let them flow freely my hamstrings become like stone, so tight and achy. When I am not happy with the situation of a relationship, my legs just constrict, contract, and ache. Lack of control, holding on to feel stability.

Sore RIGHT knee: Recent development, I am still watching it. Knees help people to move, and change positions, the right side is masculine, so maybe I am facing issues with moving around with the masculine inside of myself.

Ankles: Support, holding, trust… I’ve twisted my ankles many times in my lives. Since beginning yoga I have noticed that they have become mush more resilient and flexible.

Feet: Grounding, centering, balance, moving forward, ability, effort, roots. Both of my big toe mounds are sore from jumping back from handstand without the lightness needed. These mounds are where my balance comes from. In Korea the left toe mound hurt and in the US, the right one. Feeling the connection to the ground helps me with perspective and is calming..

Toes: My left big toe is all ripped up from heaviness. The big toe is balance and when the feet are together the big toes are front and center, leading the way.

Sore top of my LEFT foot between my pinkie and 4^th toe: It aches sometimes, like I have strained it or broken something. It is connected to my body wanting me to back off. When I am not using my awareness, but instead just plowing through something with my Ego, it tends to appear.

Popping LEFT big toe: My left toe doesn’t flex as much as my right and feels the need to be popped often, especially during leg lifts. Big toes are connected to balance. I was in Body Design doing handstand to lowered plank and after time three I released that I was not using the muscles in my left thigh/leg much and that my left big toe was getting the brunt of the abuse. After class the foot began to swell, but I had this flash about my posture and how if I don’t walk on the bottom of my whole foot, my walk will be even more off and so I caused more damage… More bruising and swelling. The big toe and mound are connected to balance. The bottom of my left foot and right foot are imbalanced. The left side of the big toe mound is softer than the right because I don’t use it to walk. I noticed it about 3 years ago after I got a huge blood blister on my left big toe after running and being animals in Body Design.

Leg and Feet swelling: This is related to guilt of not moving around and stress. When I want to move around but don’t my legs, ankles, and feet swell. I start to feel a pressure and it creates an urge in me to move around or at least throw my legs up the wall.

Received CST and a massage from Jenny tonight and felt a lot of movement. My mid-right back is still sore. Jenny had been putting pressure next to my left mid-spine and when she switched to the right, there was this white heat, like a spark that shot up and under my right ribs at the front of my chest and I jumped and then sat up quickly from the shock and pain. Then there were many sensations, two of which I caught: 1) The most tender area on my body that I have had no emotional connection to, but have always been slightly afraid of is below my sternum on the right side of my ribs and tonight for the first time I felt it connected to my anger and suddenly it was less sensitive and penetrating. 2) My right throat felt thick with something and it was a similar feeling with the sensation under my ribcage. Jenny then touched my back directly behind the place I felt in my chest. The sensations got bigger and more expansive, in my lungs and throat there was this almost fuzzy or hairy expansive feeling. It wasn’t bad, but it was strange. I also felt my left hip joint popping, but not necessarily completely releasing. Then Jenny gave me CST on my diaphragm fascia. Last time she gave me CST I was able to follow my own tension and create a big release. This time I started feeling the same sensation and started following it, but the feeling instead of a build up and then pressure and then a release, there was an acute sensation, like of white light or fire coming to a point in my left stomach near my belly button, so I turned over and went into the fetal position. Then when I felt okay again, she started giving again and I had a very strange flash. This picture that I saw on Facebook came to me. It was of a split picture, on one side a chimpanzee was cuddle her young and on the other a human was holding an infant by it’s leg and the baby was frozen and you could see stiff (with fear)… I remembered seeing the picture and feeling oddly drawn to it, but repulsed and then I had this sensation of familiarity. This happened to me when I was a baby. I am not sure who did it and how many times, but I knew the feeling… So I opened my eyes and started talking to Jenny to avoid going deeper into it.  

[megan]

Updated 7/01/12

[megan]

"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction.
Break the habit.
Talk about your joy"
--Rita Schiano