hi isaac !!
it's been a long time since i wrote my last letter to you . how are you ?
most importantly, where are you ?
all in2u are looking for you and worrying about your well-being . please update something soon and tell us how you are doing . that's all we ask :(
you don't owe us anything of course but we're just worried about you . i really hope you're doing well and healthy .
actually there was something else that brought me here to write letter to you in the middle of the night .
i had sleep paralysis . again . i already fell asleep, of course, before it happened but now i can't sleep anymore .
apparently, it's been awhile since i had sleep paralysis because of my sleep schedule is consistent and i can say that i managed my stress well these past few weeks even when i had an exam .
but earlier today, i got my results for Arabic and English papers . i got B for both papers . i can say i'm satisfied enough for Arabic cause i'm not really good at it . i wouldn't get that good if i didn't memorized the essay .
well guess what ? i only got 79 for English and it's even lower than Arabic cause i got 81 for that one . which is kinda unexpected but still acceptable actually . but i still got very stressed over it that i cried .
in tears ; at least, cause i was in class and i don't really like it if people comfort me too much cause i will just cry harder .
i only thought that, if even English, i got a B then what about the other subjects ? it must be worse and i felt like quitting everything .
when i came back home, i only thought of needing comfort so i scrolled through my phone to find your jiahn hyung posted his pictures on twitter . i cried almost immediately lol like i cried for real, total breakdown .
but it was enough to ease my feelings heheh (say thanks to your jiahn hyung tell him i love him)
so i guess i had sleep paralysis because of i was so stress . it might triggers my brain so i started hallucinating :v
anyway i don't know if i am that stupid cause every time i have sleep paralysis i always force myself to move . i know i can't, or even if i can for a little, my whole body hurts .
whatever just put it aside . i just wanna talk about what i'm stressed about .
i'm a competitive type of person . i look like i don't really care, but i do, a lot .
i don't wanna live in people's expectations on me, so i created my own expectations on myself cause i know my own limits .
but with my own expectations, and with others' expectations still hanging around even though i try to ignore, i feel disappointed with myself so easily .
my main expectation is, if i do my best, i will get the best . but it's sure won't always happen . i still face a lot of disappointments .
other than that, i don't wanna be a disappointment anymore . i mean, as a person . especially in my family . i just wanna be someone that can be proud of .
is that too much to ask ?
sometimes i think, when i feel like everything goes well, that will be the time when i get tested . and i'm getting tired of it .
looking for a passion is also tiring . i don't even know what is my talent, my hobby or anything i'm interested to do . because of this i don't have any specific dream either .
i want to find it out, but school always blocking my way . i'm busy in making myself fit with the standard in education ; eating up the As .
even when i'm done with it, i feel so drained out that i just wanna rest .
i only know that i kinda love writing . i love writing stories and expressing my feelings through poems . yeah my wild imagination also helps a lot lol .
like that one poem about doubtfulness that i wrote on my notebook to express what i feel about it . cause i don't think my friends will ever understand how much doubtful i am towards myself .
hmm i think that's all ?? i let it all out teehee . this is so long lmao i'm sorry for taking your time . thank you always for being my comfort, jek .
and let me remind you to update something . at least a word on fancafe is enough we just want to make sure you're doing fine :))
stay healthy and be happy . take care of yourself always . i love you <3
- shairah ;