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MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!
RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?
RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.
RACH: Hi.
PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?
PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?
PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]
PHOE: Oh, my, oh!
ROSS: What? What's wrong?
PHOE: I, OK....
MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
ROSS: Alright.
CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
RUSS: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
ROSS: A date.
RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.
CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
RUSS: Periodontist.
MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
RUSS: Ditto.
[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
RACH: Oh.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.
RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?
RUSS: Yeah.
RACH: Bye.
MNCA: Bye.
PHOE: Bye.
[Russ and Rachel leave together.]
ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.
CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
ROSS: What do you mean?
MNCA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: ....................Yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.
CHAN: Oh my God!
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God?
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]
JOEY: Sorry.
CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]
WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?
MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.
FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.
MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.
FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.
RUSS: Dysprosium.
ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]
PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
RACH: What?
PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.
PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
RACH: Steve... sleeve!
PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.
RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
[They look over at Russ and Ross.]
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.
CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
RUSS: I know what your problem is.
ROSS: Oh you do, do you?
RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.
ROSS: Of... of what?
RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
RUSS: Hey, you listen.
ROSS: No, no, let me finish.
RUSS: No, let me finish.
ROSS: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them.]
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Hi.
RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]
[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?
CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?
CHAN: Me.
RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?
CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not?
[Monica enters from her bedroom.]
CHAN: Hey.
MNCA: Morning.
ROSS: Where ya goin'?
MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
ROSS: Ooooohhhh.
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]
PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?
ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?
MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.
[Three slow knocks on the door.]
RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
MNCA: Sure.
[They both step out into the hall.]
FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.
MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.
MNCA: What about me?
FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.
MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
MNCA: Oh... shoot.
FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
MNCA: OK.
[They hug and kiss.]
MNCA: Take care.
FBOB: You too.
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]
RACH: What happened?
MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.
GANG: Awwwwwwww.
[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.]
MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?
CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
[Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey.
GANG: Hey!
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.
CHAN: So what'd you do?
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
PHOE: So... and?
JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!
GANG: Allright!
JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves]
[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]
Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: Oh, hey.
PHOE: Hi.
RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]
PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.
RUSS: Oh.
[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]
JULIE: Hey.
CHAN: Hey!
PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....
[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]
END
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