TV Channel 3 Thu Jul 24 00:09:22 2003
( cheers and applause( band playing
"late show" theme )
>> dave: All right. You ryve much, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Thank you very much. ( Cheers and applause) thank you, that's very nice of you folks. Welcome to the late show. My name is dave letterman. Listen to this. Every day it seems like we have a new problem here in new york city. And i know we have a lot of out of towners in our audience and i don't want to burden you people with our problems, but here's the newest problem in new york city. Killer ticks. ( Laughter) they're everywhere.. They don't know where they came from, they're in central park, they're downtown, they're uptown, mid town, we got a bunch in the cellar. ( Laughter) and the killer ticks, I'm telling you, they are brazen! Earlier two twof of them rolled a poodle and stole his rhine stone collar. Brazen! ( Applause) hey, but put that out of you mind, here's some good news. New york city is installing 20 pay toilets. 20 pay toilets. ( Cheers and applause) that's right. There's 30 million people in the metropolitan area. We have 20 pay toilets. And they're doing this so the city will try to offset the deficit and so far it's working great, it's amazing, we've already collected $200 in quarters. So... It's the answer to our problems. ( Applause) here's the good news coming out of iraq. Yesterday U.S. Forces killed saddam hussein's sons, uday, yeah, ( cheers and applause) hold your applause until i've mentioned all the sons. ( Laughter) uday, qusay, and the hot tempered sonny. They're all gone. ( Applause) but uday and qusay, you heard about this? They were hiding in a villa owned by their cousin. So the two sons of saddam hussein, that's where they're hiding out, they go to a cousin's house and u.S. Force has to yeah machine guns, anti-tank missiles, they had to use attack helicopters, and i'm telling you, that's what it takes to get relatives out of your house. ( Applause) like the rhine stone cowboy. So now uday and qusay are dead and sadly they did not get to try out the new baghdad mcdonald's.
>> Paul: Oh. ( Laughter)
>> dave: That's a shame, isn't it? Thaw they say that uday and qusay were videotaped going into their cousin's house. Sounds to me like somebody got punked. Somebody got punked. ( Applause) that's what it was. Ladies and gentlemen, time now for celebrity birthday, today monica lewinsky, 30 years old. 30 years old today. ( Applause) time flies, it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around on the floor of the oval office. ( Applause) well, sure. It works every year. Ladies and gentlemen, there he is, my musical director, mr. S.! Thank you very much, pl. S.. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show. We have a pretty good program for you tonight. Joaquin phoenix is joining us. ( Cheers and applause) a fine actor. And he's he stars in a brand new movie entitled buffalo soldiers and it opens on friday, and i've seen this movie. Oh, man, is it good.
>> Paul: Is it.
>> Dave: Very entertaining, different and unusual, and not the kind of story every time you'd see when you go to the movies.I'll let him tell you about it, but it really gets a hold of and you doesn't let you go, very entertaining film, buffalo soldiers, opens on frid. Also, grant paul son, a 15-year-old sportscaster is on the program. Keeping us abreast of what's going in the world of sports. And blues traveler, ladies and gentlemen. ( Cheers and applause)
>> paul: Our old favorite.
>> Dave: I understand my good friend pl. S., You understand you have a special treat for us.
>> Paul: Yes, and thunderstorm warning for refering to me that way.
>> Dave: It's only between now and labor day, after that l.
>> Paul: It started last night, with the gorgeous girls backing them up dancing.
>> Dave: They were doing provocative motions.
>> Paul: That's what we like.
>> Dave: A lot of this. Hey.
>> Paul: So in that spirit, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the lovely, late show backup dancers! ( Applause) whoa! My god! Whoa!
>> Paul: That's where we got them, all night long.
>> Dave: Why, why oh why couldn't i have been a drummer? I wanted to be the host. Why couldn't i have been a drummer?
>> Paul: It's a hard job, sometimes it pays off, yeah.
>> Dave: Nice to have you with us, girls.
>> Paul: We're hoping that they do not so much dancing, but provocative.
>> Dave: The french have an express for this. It's tres exotique. I appreciate you trying to koo cheer me up and i appreciate what a lovely group we have here tonight, and maybe can you tell because sometimes it's very perceptive especially if you're a sensitive human being like i am... ( Laughter) and maybe you folks, maybe you can tell that something happened to me in the last 24 hours that shook me to the quick. That scared me willess!
>> Paul: What happened.
>> David: Well, we have a local newspaper in the city called the "new york times". How many of you have heard of the "new york times"? ( Applause) so i'm looking through the "new york times" last night and i see this, and it scares the holy hell out of me.
>> Paul: What is it?
>> Dave: And then i read the article and i don't understand the article, but the headline in and of itself is enough to, you just go slack jawed and you want to call somebody, but you know, all right, here's what it says. Can you get a shot of this? Take a look at the headline of this article. Astronomers report evidence of dark energy splitting the universe. Dark energy spliting the universe!
>> Paul: That's ominous.
>> Dave: Well, now two things come to mind. One, why is it on page 13? Wouldn't this be the headline? ( Applause) yeah, it's made me crazy, and then the other thing, then i thought maybe this is just one of those goofy stories the times makes up. ( Applause)
>> paul: These days, ya..
>> Dave: I mean, honest to god,
energyspsptting the universe, how can th
>> paul: There's no way.
>> Dave: Doe't that suggest that it's just about to come apart?
>> Paul: It's all over, yeah.
>> Dave: That's right, because the dark energy.
>> Paul: Plilting the universe. That's your day, baby.
>> Dave: Or maybe, well, they got teams, two halves of the aun verse, some of us will be in one half of the universe, some of us will be in the other half of the universe.
>> Paul: Shirts and skins. ( Applause)
>> dave: I'm telling you, the wacky things going on, that doesn't care ittle scared now, yeah. So what was the other thing? You said the headline and then when you delve into it you got even more scared.
>> Dave: Well because i don't understand it. And it'something about the universe being linear and then it goes through pockets of matter, and then that somehow affects the movement of energy, and it slows it down and then it speeds it up. And what they say in the article is the parallel lines of generated energy do not intersect. ( Laughter)
>> paul: Anyway, dave.
>> Dave: We had some dark energy here in the theater last night, that audience, you know what i'm saying? They were the worst, ladies and gentlemen. So anyway, they got another message, you know, uday and qusay were gunned down in this shootout yesterday in mosul in iraq, and now they got another one of those tapes from osama bin laden, remember this guy? Yeah. When are we going to get this guy, for god's sakes? ( Applause) we get close family members of of... Maybe this will take care of everything.
>> Paul: I hope so dark energy.
>> Dave: Maybe this will solve all our problems. You know that story about the universe coming apart? Why don't you run that on page 13. Killer ticks on page one.
>> Paul: I don't know. ( Applause)
>> dave: Here now is the latest message from osama bin laden, it's a videotaped recording message t hussein. To saddam hussein. On the occasion of the death of his sons.
>> Paul: I see.
>> Dave: Watch.
>> I wish to offer my condolences to you, saddam, it's always difficult to lose psychopathic murderers who are so close to you. You can be proud knowing that they were just as crazy and evil as you are. And if you want to crash at my cave or whatever, call me, i'm on my cell. Oh, and death to america. ( Applause)
>> dave: He's on the cell. Hey, like a rhinestone cowboy. . <