Hey Kihyun, it's me.
Here's another very lengthy and heavy letter in the middle of the night, as I cannot stop my heart splitting in two.
I'm sorry for dropping it all on you again. Hopefully, this shall go unnoticed and help myself pour in a bit of this weight on my heart somewhere else.
Tonight feels really sad. I had a fight with a friend and got reminded of bad memories of the past. The past feels like a sort of deity, a God that is constantly watching over me and never leaving me, threatening and comforting at the same time. And I can't break free, can't make myself an unbeliever of this God. Because the past is hard to forget, but even harder to forgive.
I've loved and been loved in the past, or so I would like to believe this illusion is real. I would like to believe I love my friends and my family, and love myself, and am fulfilled with all the forms and shape of love that exist on earth.
For there is as many form of love as there are inhabitants on the galaxy. I believe love is unique to each individual, like a shapeshifter that everyone knows the true form of but can't quite put it in words.
Love is first and foremost a feeling that people shouldn't try counterfeiting or brewing. Love does not exist as much as it exists. It can be touched but can't be seen, can be tasted but not smelled. It is everything and nothing at the same time.
Love is what you make it out to be. Love is scary and comforting, it's familiar and foreign. Love is everywhere and nowhere.
I have been feeling so lonely for some reasons these days. When I fight with my friends, it's like a bit of this love is broken, like a scratch on my arm or a stub on my toe, it rips apart a bit of myself and shreds to pieces as it scatters amongst the stars of the universe.
My whole life I have been shredded to pieces and ripped apart, soul opened as the wounds bled and bled again, heartless and lifeless.
The scattering dust of love reached the stars, travelled the galaxy and encountered other dusts, other rocks and asteroids.
And I do want to believe so very hard, that a lost love is not lost forever. For if the dust particles travel miles and miles, they will settle at some point and encounter another form of love.
My love and my life have been wounded and shredded to pieces; but Kihyun, they found you. That dust flew over a familiar and warm galaxy, roaming and wandering in what felt like home.
It smelled like sour apple shampoo and hot cookies right out of the oven, felt like a tight hug and a pat on the head, felt like a laugh resounding over the years and the sound of a seesaw ticking the time in stead of a clock, for it felt timeless.
It felt unreal and too real, it felt like for ever and for never.
It's too nice to feel loved.
Kihyun, I have never felt as much loved in my life as I do whenever you write to us or look at the crowd with a whole galaxy shining through your eyes.
I have never felt so loved, Kihyun, as the way you love monbebes.
My dust is shining all over you, and yours might be shining around me, making me feel safe and sound and home.
Kihyun, thank you for bringing me back home. Thank you for teaching me what it's like to love and be loved.
There is no one more beautiful than you, no heart more tender than yours, no feelings any purer than the one you hold in your chest whenever you call our names.
Monbebes.
I love you so much.
Thank you for everything.
- Niel.♡